Page 83 of Shattered Fate

I imagine Gage between my legs, licking me. The fire in my belly explodes, and I come, digging my heels into the mattress. It doesn’t feel as good as last night when Gage was touching me, but it’s enough. The lesson he taught me is invaluable. I can pleasure myself, have pride in my body and not feel shame.

Sticky, I kick the comforter off and breathe. The odor of sweat and cum wafts into the air, and I almost gag.

That’s another thing I’ll need to control—my reaction to the scent of arousal. Semen has an odor I don’t like, and I equate it to dirty things. I might always throw up if I smell semen and blood mixed together. Gage will never make me bleed, but maybe one day my period will just be ending and we’ll want to have sex. I’m going to have to be a lot more forthcoming with the details I can remember if I want him to understand what I’m going to be fighting against when we start fooling around.

Another dirty adjective to describe what we’re doing. I guess that’s the part of making sex fun. Itisgoofing around when you’re having a good time and you’re comfortable with the person like I am with Gage.

I shower and dress, and Ingrid is there holding the damn medication and a glass of water, always ready, always checking and double checking they’re the correct dosage, and alwayswatching me swallow them all. The pills Jerricka gave me yesterday are still in my purse, and I’ll take those on my own before bed like she instructed. I won’t ask Ingrid to bother, she already does so much for me. Besides, the more control I have over my own life, the better.

Ready for the day, I trot downstairs. I don’t know who’s home, but my foot hasn’t hit the last step before I find out.

“Zarah! Get in here.”

Zane’s mad. It could be any number of things, but more than likely it’s because I saw Gage last night despite him asking me to stop.

I don’t put him off to grab a mug of coffee, but that’s what I want to do first. I sigh. Just get this tongue-lashing out of the way so I can enjoy my coffee and tell Lucille how much Gage liked her lasagna, though I think he would have liked it a lot more if we wouldn’t have talked about me dating other men. It made him mad. If I think about Gage dating other women, I feel sick inside. Which is better, do you think?

Peeking into his office, I ask, “What?”

Impatiently waving his hand, he gestures me over to his desk. He’s dressed as he would had he gone to the office, and maybe that’s where he’s heading after he bitches me out. I told him he and Stella could both be gone at the same time, and he finally believes it’s okay. It’s why Ingrid’s here, and Lucille watches my every move, but she’s busy cooking and cleaning and she’s not as in my face about it like the others in this house.

Zane sits behind his desk and fumes, glaring at his computer monitor.

“What have I done now?”

He blows out a sigh. “I know your recovery—”

I press my lips together. That stupid word.

“—affects all of us. It’s a journey we’re on with you, and I don’t ever want you to think I’m not on your side. When I’mangry, it’s because of this stupid and dangerous situation Ash put us in, and if I’m frustrated, it’s not aimed at you. But you do have to at leasttryto make good choices, and for the billions of dollars behind our names, I cannotfuckingunderstand why you would do this to us.”

He turns the monitor around, letting me see what he sees. It’s the gossip websiteTruth or Dare,and the photographer I forgot about yesterday afternoon filmed me walking out of Willow’s building. The video’s captioned,Billionaire Heiress Zarah Maddox leaving after visiting Willow Black.

The blogger wrote quite the article to accompany the video, our sordid pasts giving her plenty of fodder to work with.

“She invited me to lunch.”

Zane explodes. “She invited you to lunch.You do understand that her husband killed our parents, right? You haven’t forgotten that her sonsoldyou, thather son locked you away and robbed you of five years of your life to keep his secrets, and I know you think you’re in love with Davenport, but never forget Ash killed Max.”

I tolerate his stupid list until he brings up Max. Blindly firing into the crowd, Ash killed Max, and because of him, Max will never write another news article, will never see his cat again, will never marry or have children. I don’t mean with me, but with anyone. “I know. But—”

“We didn’t talk about Willow. I didn’t see the need to tell you to stay away from her. Her husband and son ruined our lives, so, stupid me, I didn’t think it was necessary to tell you not to have anything to do with her.” He pushes away from his desk and runs a hand over his eyes.

“She let Stella go. I thought it would be okay—”

“It’s not okay. I hope you didn’t tell her anything of importance. The FBI has her apartment bugged.”

Resignation weighs me down. He’s not listening. “All we did was talk about what’s happened since the fundraiser at the governor’s mansion. That’s all, I swear.”

“You don’t have to swear. Banks will get me a copy of your conversation if I ask, but I don’t have to ask because you’re not going over there, ever again.”

I’m tired of Zane telling me what to do. I’m tired of not having control. I miss Gage, and I miss Mom and Dad, and I miss how Zane used to treat me before all this happened. Like I was just his annoying little sister and he loved me. The anger and pain builds up and I burst out, “I missed her. She was like a mother to me. We shopped together, went for lunch together. She was always kind, protecting me from Ash, though at the time I didn’t understand that’s what she was doing. She hugged me, and it felt like I had a little piece of Mom back.”

Zane turns away, and I miss my brother more than I miss anyone. He’ll never treat me the way he used to, before Mom and Dad died. Roughhousing, calling me funny names, throwing me onto the couch and messing up my hair. He went to Columbia and we grew apart, and when he came back, he spent all his time working with Dad. After the plane crash, he fell into any bed with any woman who would let him between her legs, and if he hadn’t met Stella, I think he would have been more lost than I was.

Now there’s a wall between Zane and me, and I don’t know if anything can break it down. I’m aware I could bein recoveryfor the rest of my life, and if he’s waiting until I’m back to “normal” to treat me like his sister, to treat me like I’m human, he’ll never treat me like his plain old sister again.

He won’t meet my eyes, staring out the window instead, the bright sunlight gleaming off the snow in the yard. “Fine. Do what you want. I keep encouraging you to do some things on your own, and if this is going to be one of those things, go do it. I don’tcare. I’ll tell Douglas you have permission so you don’t have to try to hide it from him.”

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