Page 93 of Shattered Fate

“Gage doesn’t want me to see her, either,” I admit, hating the two most important men in my life don’t agree with what I want.

“But that’s not going to stop you from visiting her.”

“Probably not. Like you said, her conversations are monitored. What can she do to me?”

Scowling, he says, “At this point, anything is possible, and don’t forget that. If you feel uncomfortable, get out of there. I don’t like it, but I can’t stop you, Z. You’re not a little girl and I’m not going to tell you what to do. I understand that in the process of finding yourself again, you’re going to make mistakes. I just hope visiting Willow won’t be one.”

“Thanks. I like her. I always have. Maybe we can bring each other some peace.”

His frown doesn’t soften. “Her peace isn’t any of my concern. Your safety is. Bring Ingrid with you next time. You’ve been pulling away from her, and I understand if you don’t need her anymore.”

His observation brings me up short. I guess I haven’t been spending as much time with her as I used to, only because I’ve been working on my recovery on my own and gaining more and more independence in the process. “Can I think about it? She’s been my nurse for a long time.”

“You don’t have to decide right away, but if you don’t need her, you should free her up to move on to another job. You can find friends, real friends, who you don’t have to pay. Like at Max’s award dinner. Will you be okay? It’s been years since you’ve done this kind of thing.”

I’m nervous, attending an event where people will know who I am, my sordid history, and why I’m there, but everyone is going and I want to go too. I’m tired of missing out on things. “Gage will be there and he won’t let anything happen.”

“He’s a solid guy. Worries about you, and that earns big points with me. You really like him, huh?”

I try to put into words how I feel around Gage. “If I don’t feel like talking, we don’t. When I want to...explore... him, he lets me.” I blush, but Zane only listens. “I’ll push at him and he’ll push back, but not in a mean way. Like when I ran away to his apartment and asked if I could live there. He said no, simple as that. He doesn’t always let me have my way. It’s hard to explain. If I mess up, it’s okay, but he’s going to make me learn from it.”

“He gives you room to be yourself. That’s good. I’m glad. We all need someone to accept us exactly how we are, and I need to take more cues from him. I love you, and I’m sorry I’m not handling things well. It hurts you, and I’ll do better. Gage and I talked before dinner and he said your life is small. I didn’t understand until he explained why you want to visit Willow. Let’s work on expanding our circle. Find some new people to talk to. Nice people. There has to be some.” He laughs. “Stella can help. She’s a good judge of character. She pegged Ash quick enough.”

Everyone knows what Ash did to me and the thought of opening myself up and trying to make friends is terrifying, but meeting women my age to go shopping with, to eat lunch with, it sounds thrilling, too. “Okay. I can do that. We should meet people who aren’t rich. Regular people. Normal people.”

“Thatis the best thing I’ve heard all week.” He pauses and throws my bear into the air. He catches it and says, “Hey, do you like Jerricka? After the new year, do you want to take a break? Longer than the holidays, I mean.”

I can’t wrap my mind around what he’s asking. “A break? You mean not see her anymore?”

“You’ve put in a lot of hard work in the past year. If you need a break, if you need to stop and rest, we can do that.”

“I’m not sure. I thought I’d have to see her forever.”

“One day, you’ll be free of those drugs, and one day you’ll be able to confront what Black did to you without anyone’s help. I realize that might not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but if you don’t like Jerricka or you decide you’ve outgrown her, tell me. Don’t hide things because you think I’ll get mad. I know I’ve been hard to live with, and that’s guilt. When I look at you, I see what you lost because of me, and it eats away at me like cancer. But when I feel like that, I make your recovery about me and it’s not about me. It’s about you getting your life back. After Christmas you have another appointment with Dr. Reagan and hopefully we can decrease your meds again.”

I lie next to him and snuggle into his chest. I should ask why he okayed Jerricka prescribing another medication if he’s trying to wean me off the others so quickly, but fatigue muddles my brain. He’s thrown a lot of information at me—Gage, Willow, Ingrid, Jerricka—and I need time to pick through it all, test my emotions. There are times when I feel like I’m trying to run underwater and I can’t make any progress. Then there are nights like this when life is moving faster than I’d like.

“I love you, but you’re not the woman I want to sleep with.” Zane kisses my cheek and rolls off my bed. “At the award dinner, let’s remind King’s Crossing who the Maddoxes are.”

I burrow into my comforter. In the safety of my room, confronting a ballroom full of people doesn’t sound as daunting as I know it will be. “Yes. Let’s.”

Zane closes the door, and I grin into my pillow. My brother knows he’s been a jerk and promised to do better. I have permission to see Willow. Gage loves me and gives me room to learn who I am. Alone and with him. I’ll always have Stella because she came for me. For the first time since Zane brought me home, the future doesn’t seem so scary.

We’ll show this city what we’re made of.

Ash might have knocked me down a few times, but I’ll prove to everyone he didn’t break me.

I scramble off the bed and run to the closet. If a woman’s looking for revenge, the first thing she needs is a weapon, and as Mom used to say, that’s a drop-dead gorgeous dress.

In the two weeks leading up to Max’s award dinner, I do my best to mentally prepare, reminding myself of the many relaxation techniques Jerricka taught me in our sessions. I wish she wouldn’t have closed her office for the month of December. I could have used her help talking through my fear, but I’ve been seeing her long enough to know what she would say. Use this opportunity to step out of my comfort zone. After the holiday break, I want to be able to tell her I held my own. I want her to see I’m making progress and that our sessions this past year haven’t been wasted. It’s important I act as natural and as confident as I used to be before Ash sold me. I don’t want to break down like I did at the photography showing and embarrass Gage.

He helps. We don’t talk about the dinner and he doesn’t turn the evening into a big deal. In fact, I think he’d prefer not to go. Stella, also, would rather stay home and play cards with Lucille and Douglas.

But this dinner is for Max, and we’ll all be there.

That night, in the limo on the way into the city, Zane mentions the venue isn’t one of ours, and I would have felt calmer if it were. If I knew the layout, if I knew the staff, even if their names and faces would have been hazy in my mind. That’s just another thing I’ll have to get used to all over again. I usedto enjoy exploring, but now the unknown scares me, and that includes a simple building I’ve never stepped foot into before.

Thankfully, it’s a smaller hotel. It’s still sophisticated, and the building sits on the Renegade, Christmas decorations understated and elegant. My heartbeat slows as the limo coasts to a stop and Douglas opens the door for us. It doesn’t resemble the Lyndhurst, and I relax. Like Temptations, I may never go into that hotel again.

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