Page 78 of Break Me Knot

What the hell happened while we were gone?

Chapter Thirty-Six

Mira

Irun blindly to my room, stumbling inside. My nest calls to me, but when I crawl inside, it's wrong, all wrong. The scents are too strong, too alpha, just toomuch. Their combined scents wrap around me like a noose, making the arousal in my body burn. If I stay in this space I’m going to incinerate.

I turn and stumble to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. My hands shake as I fumble with the lock. Heat scratches under my skin like glass shards. My mind fogs with it, with the memory of Cole's hands, his mouth, his scent. My clit is so sensitive that the crotch of my jeans is too much pressure on my body. This isn't normal. This isn'tright.

I collapse against the door. My legs give out and I slide to the tiles. Everything hurts… my core, my abdomen, my heart. The tiles feel good against my burning skin, but it's not enough. Nothing is enough.

Arousal, pain, heat, and guilt war in my veins. Cole's taste still lingers on my tongue, his scent branding me. I press my palms against my eyes until I see stars, trying to block out the memory of how perfect it felt, how right. How for one moment, I let myself believe I could have this. Could have him. Could have them all.

I knew better. Knew I couldn't. Knew what would happen if I let myself go. The price of pleasure is pain, always pain. And now I've dragged Cole into my mess. Sweet, haunted Cole who already carries so much guilt. Who looked at me like I was everything he wanted right before I ran. Who probably thinks this is his fault when it's all mine.

I’ve made a mess of everything.

I'm going to have to leave behind this beautiful dream of belonging before hell can rain down on them but first, I have to survive this heat spike that’s come from nowhere. And from the way my body's tearing itself apart from the inside, I'm not sure I can.

Another wave of pain rips through me and I bite my lip so I don’t cry out.

Gods, it hurts so much, but it’s everything I deserve.

Each wave of pain is a reminder of my stupidity. I shouldn't have led Cole on. Shouldn't have taken photos of him. Shouldn't have asked him to teach me. Shouldn't have melted into his kiss like I had any right to experience such pleasure.

I'm the worst sort of person.

Cole will blame himself. He'll think it's his fault, add it to whatever guilt he already carries. He doesn't see that I'm poison.

A knock on the door makes me flinch. “Mira?” Cole's voice is rough. “Let me in.” His decadent scent, heavy with his aroused musk, seeps under the door, making my skin prickle with awareness even through the pain.

“You don’t have to be here for me. Please go away,” I manage through gritted teeth. “I'm fine.” The lie tastes bitter on my tongue, but I can't let him see me like this. Can't let him blame himself for what my body does.

“You're far from fine.” His scent grows stronger, heavy with distress and something darker. “I can smell your pain.”

And I can smell his guilt. His turmoil. It makes everything worse, knowing I've added to whatever burden he already carries. “I shouldn't have kissed you. I should have known better. I know you don't want me. You don't even like me. I should have stayed away from you.”

He groans, the sound full of anguish. “This is not your fault. Gods, Mira, I wanted to kiss you. I want…” He breaks off, muttering something that sounds like “so much more,” but it can't be true. Can't be real.

“Don't lie,” I whisper, pressing my forehead to my knees as sweat drips down my spine. “I disgust you. You wouldn't even be near me during my heat. That's the biggest tell of all.” His absence during those desperate days still stings, even as my body burns.

I hear him slide down the other side of the door, his weight settling against it. The thin barrier between us is both too much and not enough. “Lying is all I have done. But not to you, Sweetness. To myself.” He sighs, the sound long, drawn out and so, so tired. “Mira, I... need to tell you about Lily.”

Lily?“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“Yes. I…want to, Mira. I want you to understand it all so you can see how stupid I am. How blind. How sorry…” He draws a breath. “This isn’t an apology. Nothing will make up for how I’ve treated you. I’ll spend the rest of my life doing that, but…at least I hope you’ll understand. I was just a kid. Eighteen and thinking I knew everything. I met Lily at university before all the laws changed. Before they started restricting omegas from the public. Back when things were simpler. Perhaps I was just too naive to see how complicated they really were.”

I curl on the floor and press my burning forehead against the cool tiles as he speaks, letting his words wash over me. My stomach cramps and I bite my lip to keep my whimper inside.

“Lily sat next to me in Ancient Literature. She had this way of seeing straight through all the bullshit in the texts.” His voice catches. “She made me laugh. Made me think. I'd only presented as alpha three months before, a late bloomer. I didn't really understand what that meant. What I was capable of. What I could destroy.”

The self-loathing in his voice makes my omega whine, wanting to comfort him.

“We started spending time together. Study groups turned into coffee dates. She loved photography too, just like you. She used to carry this ancient camera everywhere.” A broken laugh. “Gods, we were so young. So fucking young. I thought... I thought what I felt was love. Thought I could protect her. Instead, I...”

I can't help the jealous pang in my chest at the tenderness in his voice, even though I have no right to him. Never did. The way he talks about her… it's clear she still haunts him.

Another cramp tears through me, but I focus on his words. On the agony in his voice that matches the physical torture in my body. The way his scent grows heavier with each revelation, weighted with years of guilt.

---