Page 57 of One Final Target

“You have to let go. You must trust those still in uniform to do their jobs, and you should trust God’s control over it all.”

“You’re right, Estella. I understood as much when I was eight and I lost my parents. I’m struggling with so much more now.” Jodie’s insides twisted with an onslaught of negative emotions. She was used to the roller coaster by now, but sitting here with Estella, what hit her the hardest was self-pity.

Estella made a face, cocked her head. “What is it, my friend?”

Jodie had to compose herself as the emotions hit like a freight train. Just when she thought she was through it all. When would this all be over?

“I thought I was doing everything right. I was in church every Sunday. I helped out whenever possible—” Jodie fought to keep her voice steady. “We were after a bad guy, for heaven’s sake. I need to know why, Estella. Why did those four good people have to die the way they did?” Tears fell and she ran her palms across her cheeks.

“It’s not a matter of what you do or don’t do. You can’t live second-guessing every move. No one in this life is immune frombad things. Trusting God doesn’t mean no trials. Trusting God means an ever-present help when trials come. God numbers our days, Jodie. Gus knew that. I’m certain he would never blame you for what happened. His faith was strong.”

Jodie sagged into the chair and held her head in her hands. “And mine is so weak. I’ve felt a barrier between me and God for months.”

Estella placed a hand on her shoulder. “Guess who built the barrier,” she said gently.

“I didn’t feel this lost after my parents’ deaths. Back then I could pray and believe. Now I feel as if my prayers go nowhere.” She looked up. “Just now, waiting on the switch, I didn’t move. All I could think was how more people would die if the IED detonated. When Sam came in... I was so afraid he’d die...” Her voice trailed off and Estella waited.

“He gave me a book of Psalms. I read Psalm 46 and prayed for his safety. I didn’t want anyone else to die. Here we are, safe. Why did God save me this time? Save Sam? And take Gus, Tiny, Gail, and Tim? I’m struggling. Just when I think I see light, it all goes dark again.”

“Honey, those questions may never be answered in this life.” Estella wiped her own eyes. “I wish I could give you satisfying answers, but I can’t. This is where faith and trust come in. One thing I’ve learned throughout my life is faith doesn’t always take away the pain, but it does give you the ability to handle the pain.”

“God is good... even when life isn’t.”

Jodie remembered Sam’s words as she considered Estella’s. Estella felt her pain and understood it. So did Sam. And part of her believed they both were right. She just didn’t know how to move forward. “Why is my faith so weak?”

“What have you put your faith in? You or God? I know you like to be in control, Jodie; it’s what made you a great sergeant. But at some point, you must let go. It’s trite, but let go and let God.”

“I’m trying but I don’t know how to let go.” Jodie swallowed; tears she couldn’t stop rolled down her cheeks.

“There is no quick fix, no magic words.” Estella shook her head. “Keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust.” Estella moved close and put her arm around Jodie’s shoulder. “Feelings change. God is the same now and forever. Keep praying, my friend. He is listening.”

Jodie fidgeted but stayed close to Estella. Her friend made it sound so easy. What she was saying sounded similar to what Shannon and Tracy said. Jodie could not let go. But she resolved to try. If for no other reason than people she cared about wanted her to.

“I’ll try, Estella. I really will.”

Estella turned at a noise coming from the front door. “Someone is here, maybe good news.”

Jodie recognized the voice as Sam’s. “I think they’re going to try to convince me to leave, to go to a safe house.”

“Do you have to decide right this minute?”

“They want me to.”

“Why don’t you stay here for the night, then, after you’ve slept, decide in the morning.”

Jodie leaned back. “I don’t want you in danger.”

“What? With all those cops out there I’d be in danger?”

Jodie considered Estella’s words and had no argument.

CHAPTER31

AS HE STOOD ON ESTELLA PERKINS’S DOORSTEP,Sam worried they were rushing things by whisking Jodie off to a safe house—especially one where she and the host had started off on the wrong foot. He cringed as he remembered the look on Jodie’s face when he’d mentioned George Upton.

With Mike King’s blessing, Sam had called George and arranged to have Jodie stay with him for the next few days. George agreed immediately.

“She’ll be very safe here,” he said. “When will you bring her?”

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