Page 74 of One Final Target

“No, the car runs fine. I’d just like a different car. I’m in Orange County right now. Would it be possible to go to an agency nearby and switch the car out?”

“Yeah, it may cost you a little extra money.”

“No problem.”

According to his friend, the best place to make the switch was the Long Beach Airport. Sam had to backtrack, but he wasn’t far away from the airport and in short order he found himself in line at a rental counter.

Once he had a new car and left the airport, Sam was exhausted. It had been a long day. He decided to find a hotel and stay the night. Still wary about a tail, Sam got on the 91 freeway and exited near Disneyland. His thought was to get lost in the crowd. He found a hotel with a vacancy and took a room. In the guest shop he purchased some sweats and a T-shirt, not wanting to sleep in his only other suit.

As midnight closed in, he showered and fell into bed, asleep almost instantly.

CHAPTER40

JODIE COULDN’T SLEEP.She felt tired, but her mind would not shut down. The neighborhood was quiet. She’d opened a window and heard only crickets. She played a few word games on her phone, then tried reading, but nothing held her concentration. There was a TV in the room, but she had no interest in watching TV. She thought about Macnut. The pup had slept with her last night and she missed him. It made her wonder if maybe it was time to find a different apartment so she could have a dog. Estella would be moving away and taking Macnut with her if Jodie didn’t make different arrangements.

Finally she opened the Bible app on her phone. She paced as she read. All of it had been so dead to her for months. She thought things began to change this week when she was standing on an IED. But she was still flapping in the breeze.

“Be real,”Sam had said.

“Keep the dialogue open,”Shannon had said.

I’m trying.

Every time she got to this point, she felt like screaming.I lost my parents. Wasn’t that enough?

She thought about giving up, turning her back on God, joining the ranks of those who believed he was a myth. Giving up would not quiet her soul.“Where would we go? You have the words of eternal life...”The verse echoed in her mind. She forgot where it was but knew Peter had said it.

Jodie put down her phone, fists clenched in frustration. Random conversations replayed in her head.

Sam said he didn’t understand his loss any more than I understand mine, yet he seems to have peace moving forward. Is his faith just stronger than mine?

“It’s not a matter of what you do or don’t do. You can’t live second-guessing every move. No one in this life is immune from bad things. Trusting God doesn’t mean no trials.”

“Faith doesn’t always take away the pain, but it does give you the ability to handle the pain.... What have you put your faith in?”

“God is good... even when life isn’t.”

Jodie sat on the bed, feeling as though all strength had fled. She’d been trying to mask her feelings. Even when she spoke to Estella, she just wore a mask and refused to look inside, refused to really hear what Estella was saying.

“Let go.”

“Move on.”

She couldn’t do those things as long as she was holding on to the pain of a past she had zero ability to change.

The room was quiet and dark except for the glow of her phone and the red lights of the digital clock.

You always have to be in control.

Was that the reason for the wall between her and God? She didn’t want to relinquish control?

I don’t know how.

Jodie kept praying, not really knowing what to pray except to ask for clarity, remembering a verse about how the Holy Spirit would translate what she didn’t understand herself. She’d felt the barrier between her and God cracking after the incident at Collins’s house. Now she was determined to breach it completely.

After a while, she felt as though she’d just been to the chiropractor and every joint in her body had been adjusted. And she was tired, so very tired. Nothing felt different and she fought discouragement.

She stood and picked up the suitcase she’d brought, intending to put on pajamas and go to bed. But then the lights on the clock winked out.

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