Page 62 of The Shots You Take

“It’s not what you need right now.”

Riley raised his head enough that Adam could see his eyes. They were wet and red and furious. “I need to feel somethinggood. Why can’t you let me have that?”

“I want to. I want to so much, but not like this. Riles—Riley, I don’t want to make the same mistakes as before.”

Riley’s fingers dug harder into his scalp, and he moaned like someone who was bleeding out from an abdominal wound. And then Adam realized what Riley was thinking.

Adam wrapped his arms around him and pulled Riley’s head against his chest. “Riley, no. I don’t mean kissing you isa mistake. I’m so sorry about the things I said in the past, but that’s not what I mean now. I want to do thisright. I want to earn it, and I won’t take advantage of you.” Impulsively, he kissed the top of Riley’s head, and then the white knuckles of the fingers that were still digging into his scalp. Riley was shaking against him, possibly sobbing, and Adam realized his own cheeks were wet with tears. “Do you hear me, Riley? It’s not because I don’t want you.”

Adam kissed his hair again and rubbed his back until finally Riley’s fingers relaxed. Slowly, Riley lowered his hands and wrapped them around Adam’s back.

“I’ve got you,” Adam whispered, and kissed Riley’s temple. “It’s okay.” He rested his cheek on the top of Riley’s head and exhaled. For a long while, they held each other, Riley’s face buried in Adam’s shirt. Eventually, the burn in Adam’s thighs from crouching became too much.

“Hey,” Adam said softly. “Come on up here.” He placed a hand on Riley’s elbow, helping him up. When they were both standing, Adam got a good look at Riley’s face. He looked hollow with exhaustion, and messy from crying. Adam imagined he didn’t look much better himself.

Riley sat heavily on the end of the bed and stared at the floor.

“I’m going to get you a facecloth, okay?” Adam said.

Riley didn’t reply, so Adam left. He quickly went to the bathroom and took a facecloth from a small, tidy stack. He splashed warm water on his own face, then wet the cloth. As he was wringing it out, he realized he was trembling. He hated himself for causing Riley so much anguish, for pushing him over the edge like that. He only ever wanted to be the person who guided Riley away from the edge.

When he returned to the bedroom, Riley was lying on hisside, his head on a pillow. His eyes were open, but he didn’t seem to notice when Adam was standing in front of him.

“Here,” Adam said, and held out the cloth.

Riley blinked, then took the cloth. “Thanks.” He held it in his clenched hand but didn’t bring it to his face. Adam watched as a wet spot blossomed on the duvet.

“I’ll get you some water?” he suggested. Again, Riley said nothing.

Lucky was pacing the living room when Adam went downstairs. “It’s okay,” he said. “You can go back to sleep. I’ll take care of him.”

When Adam returned to the bedroom with two glasses of water, Riley was in the same position as before. The wet spot was huge now. Adam gently took the cloth away and brought it back to the bathroom. He frowned at his reflection in the mirror above the sink.

“Great job, idiot,” he scolded himself.

He went back to the bedroom and saw that Riley hadn’t moved. Unsure of what to say or do, Adam took a sip of his own water and walked to the window. There was a perfect sliver of moon, high in the sky.

“Are you going to leave?” Riley asked in a hoarse voice.

Adam whipped around. “What?”

“Tomorrow.”

Adam crossed the room and knelt beside the bed so he was eye level with Riley. “Of course not. Unless…do you want me to?”

Riley’s voice was steady, and almost emotionless, when he said, “I don’t know.”

Without thinking about it, Adam began combing Riley’s hair with his fingers. “I want to stay.”

Riley closed his eyes. “I’m so tired.”

“Should I let you sleep?” Adam’s hand had made its waydown to Riley’s cheek, and he stroked his soft beard. “Or can I stay with you?”

“Stay,” Riley said on an exhale.

Adam’s heart swelled. “Okay,” he said, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

He didn’t waste time. He crawled on the bed to lie behind Riley. They were both fully clothed and on top of the blankets, but none of that seemed important. Adam carefully wrapped an arm around Riley, spooning up to him, and rubbed his nose against the back of Riley’s neck.

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