Page 60 of The Shots You Take

They heard Lucky stir from his bed in the living room, so Adam dropped his voice to a hissing whisper. “I was scared. Not just for me, but foryou. The way we were going, we would have been caught. And then what?”

Riley shrugged.

“Maggie wassafe,” Adam said, sounding desperate. “I didn’t understand what exactly you wanted from me.”

“Because we neverfucking talked about it,” Riley snarled back. “And then you took the easy way out.”

“Easy?There was nothing fucking easy about it. I needed to stop you from throwing everything away for me. I wasn’t worth it. We couldn’t have been together like you wanted. Not back then, and you know it. So yeah, I made a choice. I married Maggie and started a family, but I still needed you in my life.”

“Right. So you get to have it all, and I get to have scraps whenever you’re drunk enough to touch me. Sounds perfect.”

“I wanted you to have what I had! I know now how stupid that was. I do. You were never going to marry a woman, even for appearances, because you always understood who youwere and what you wanted. But I imagined living next door to you, our kids playing together, and I thought it wouldn’t be a bad life.”

Riley huffed in disgust. Had Adam really been that delusional? Riley had imagined them livingtogether, raisingtheir own kids. Maybe not until they were both retired, but it had still been something they could have done, if Adam had wanted it at all.

“I was stupid, okay?” Adam said. “I was awful and selfish, but you have to know I was in love with you too. Of course I was.”

Adam may as well have stabbed Riley in the heart. Everything was blinding pain. “Shut up” was all he could say.

“I loved you. I—”

“Shutup.” Riley was panicking now. He jabbed a finger into Adam’s chest. “You can’t just say that now. You can’t make up how things were. It’s not fair.”

Adam gently wrapped his hand around Riley’s angry finger. “I loved you. And it terrified me. I was a fucking coward, and I hurt you. I hurt Maggie. I know I can’t apologize enough for the choices I made, but I was in love with you, Riley.”

“Stop,” Riley said desperately.

“I was in love with you,” Adam repeated, “and then you weregone.”

Riley turned and walked toward the stairs in a daze. He vaguely registered Lucky standing in the living room, looking concerned. He ignored him and went upstairs.

From his bedroom, he heard Adam talking softly to Lucky. Then he heard footsteps on the stairs, then in the hall, and then a quiet knock on his door, even though it wasn’t closed.

“Riley?” Adam’s eyes were red, and his shoulders were drawn. He took a cautious step into the room.

Riley turned on his bedside lamp, then walked to the window.Adam closed the door, probably for Lucky’s benefit. When Adam was right behind him, Riley spun around and said, “You fucked me up, and it took years to get over it. So don’t tell me you were in love with me! Not now.”

Adam spread his arms. “Do you want me to lie?”

“It’s what you’re good at.”

“I never lied to you.”

Riley let out a strangled, humorless laugh.

“I didn’t,” Adam insisted. “I lied to myself, maybe. And I lied to Maggie. But I told you the truth, always. Or at least what I believed to be the truth at the time. It just…took me a while to figure out some things.”

“So I should have waited, is that it? Given you another ten or twelve years to figure your shit out?”

Adam let out a frustrated groan. “I know! We’ve been over this! I was stupid and selfish and scared. I was also twenty-four when I married Maggie. That’s fucking young, Riles.”

“Maybe you’re the one who should have waited.”

“What else could I have done? She was pregnant! She loved me. I thought I loved her.”

“You could have used a condom.”

The way Adam glared at him was effective; Riley quickly filled with shame. “Fuck,” he said, as he ran a hand through his hair. He walked past Adam to the middle of the room.

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