Page 59 of The Shots You Take

Too fucking bad.

He could see Adam’s car close behind him, but he ignored it. The road, dark in front of him, started to blur, and Riley hastily wiped at his eyes.

“Stop it,” he growled at himself. “Stop fucking crying.”

Ten minutes later, he was in his driveway. He exited the truck, slamming the door behind him, and stalked toward the house.

“Riley,” Adam called behind him. “Wait.”

Riley kept walking.

“Riley,” Adam said again, and then Riley could hear him running.

Riley wheeled on him.“What?”

Adam spread his arms wide. “Why don’t you just get it over with?”

“Getwhatover with?”

“Tell me off. Hit me. I don’t know. Whatever you need to do. I fucking can’t stand this anymore.”

“Then go back to Toronto.”

Adam stepped closer. “Why are you being such an asshole to me? I’m trying, Riley! I’m trying so fucking hard.”

“What do youwant, Shep? What the fuck is it that you want from me?” Riley was yelling now. “Do you want me to tell you it wasn’t your fault? Fine. It’s not. It’s not your fault that I’m mentally ill, and it’s not your fault you weren’t in love with me. It’s all on me.”

Adam looked like Rileyhadhit him. His mouth hung open, and his eyes were wide and confused. And that was the last thing Riley saw before the headlights on Adam’s car turned off, plunging them into darkness.

“I could have helped you,” Adam said. His voice was shaking. “You were my best friend. Do you have any idea how much it fucking hurt when you left? You didn’t give me a heads-up, or a goodbye. You just left after nine years of you being, like, my whole fucking world.”

Riley snorted. “I think we both know I wasnotyour whole fucking world.” He began walking toward the house. He wasn’t going to yell at Adam in the dark all night.

Adam followed. “I made a choice, all right? I made a choice that seemed right at the time. It wasn’t because I didn’t care about you.”

Riley rounded on him. The lights from the front porch partially illuminated Adam’s angry face, and seeing it onlymade Riley more furious. “Yeah, and then you made another choice. You chose to fuck me when we won the Cup. After years of not touching me, you chose to dothat.” He rolled his hands into fists, then released them, then repeated it until finally a surge of anger swelled and they just remained fists. “Can you imagine how any of that felt? Wanting you, knowing I couldn’t have you anymore, and then suddenly you decide to fuck me because you’re feeling things you don’t want to? And thenhumiliatingme as soon as you shot your load?” He was being unnecessarily vulgar, but it felt good. “You didn’t care about me, Adam. You didn’t.”

There were tears in Adam’s eyes now. Good.

“I don’t know what I can say about that night,” Adam said, “except sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I know I fucked up.”

“Yeah. You fucked up.” In his heart, Riley knew that he’d fucked up too. He’d gone to bed with Adam, knowing he was married, knowing they were both drunk, and knowing that Adam wasn’t going to leave his wife for him. But in the moment, it had been so easy to ignore all of it.

“I’m sorry,” Adam said again. He reached a hand out in an awkward, pleading gesture. Riley stared at it.

“Well,” Riley said sardonically, “I guess it all worked out for the best.” He turned and walked to the front door.

On the porch, Adam grabbed his wrist. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me too.”

Riley clenched his jaw and opened the door.

“I kept hearing these rumors about you,” Adam continued, as they entered the house. “I knew you weren’t playing well, and everyone was saying you were drinking, missing practices, and getting in fights with your teammates. I was in agony, knowing that no one there understood your moods or how to take care of you.”

“Take care of me like you did?” Riley snapped. “Fuckingme, telling me you wanted me, then telling me it never happened? Laughing at me when I finally worked up the courage to tell you I loved you? That was taking care of me and mymoods?”

Adam shook his head and released Riley’s wrist. His shoulders slumped in defeat. “No.” Then he met Riley’s gaze, his face determined again. “But we were so much more than that.”

Riley wanted to argue, but he couldn’t. Their friendship had been so easy, and maybe the rest could have been easy too, if they’d existed in a time and in a career that would have allowed it to be easy. “We were,” he agreed. “And I tried. For years after you were married, I tried. I get that part is my fault, but Jesus Christ, Shep. The way you just ignored my feelings was fuckingmean.”

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