Page 39 of The Shots You Take

He braced himself with a hand on a wall on the other side of the store from where Adam was still standing and closed his eyes. The giddy mirth that had overtaken him began to gain weight, and he stopped laughing. “Jesus,” he said. “Fuck.”

“Are you done?” Adam asked, clearly and rightfully irritated.

“Yeah,” Riley sighed. “I’m done. I’m fucking completely done. Finished.” He sounded insane, and he knew it. “Done, done, done.”

“I’m just telling you because I thought you should know. Not because…y’know. Whatever.”

Riley looked at him from across the shop. “You thought I should know?”

Adam spread his arms wide. “You were right. Totally gay.”

If Adam expected Riley to celebrate that win, he was very wrong. The words felt like a punch to the gut. “And when did you figure this out?”

“A couple of years ago,” Adam said. “Well, before then. But I told Maggie a couple of years ago.”

Maggie. Right. God. “You loved Maggie, though.”

“In a way, yeah. I still do. She’s great. But it never felt the same as—” Adam’s gaze dropped to the floor. “Some parts of it were…forced. It always was, with women.”

“There were a lot of women. Before Maggie, I mean.”

“Yeah, well. I guess I was trying to prove something to myself. And maybe it wasn’t as many as I made it seem like.”

Riley slumped against the wall. Every time he and Adam had drunkenly hooked up, like clockwork, Adam would want to go out to pick up women the following night. He’d always invite Riley to come too, as if Riley would share his need to cleanse himself. Riley never joined him. “You know bisexuality exists, right?”

“Of course I do. But that’s not me. Believe me, I tried to make that happen.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Adam huffed. “Nope.”

There was a long silence, and then Adam said, “So…”

Riley closed his eyes, waiting. But Adam didn’t finish his sentence. He just let that “so” linger in the air between them.

“So what?” Riley finally said.

Adam didn’t say anything.

Riley groaned. “Are you here because I’m the only man you’ve fucked? You want to practice being gay on a sure thing?Because I’m not a sure thing, Adam. Not with you.” He felt good about making that clear.

But Adam annihilated him with his next words: “You’re not the only man I’ve fucked.”

The wall was the only thing keeping Riley on his feet. Had he been wrong about everything?

“I mean,” Adam continued, “youwere. For a very long time you were. But since Maggie and I separated… I’ve been seeing what’s out there. The apps are helpful.”

Adam was gay and hooking up with men all over Toronto. Neat.

Then Adam chuckled. “Gay porn is way easier to access now too.”

Riley wanted to scream. How wonderful it was that Adam had waited until conditions had improved before embracing his gay self, while Riley had struggled alone in the shadows during his own NHL career.

“I have to be careful, in Toronto,” Adam explained, as if Riley wanted to hear any of this. As if Riley didn’tknow. “I’m not out, really. I haven’t told many people.” He exhaled. “I was so nervous to tell you, but you were also the first person Iwantedto tell. Sorry if that’s weird.”

It was weird, but it also made sense. Adam had been the first person Riley had wanted to call when Dad had died, even though they hadn’t spoken in so long. Old habits.

“I’m glad you told me,” Riley said, because that, at least, was true. He just wished he’d told him over a decade ago. “I’m sorry I laughed.”

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