Page 16 of The Long Game

I lean in and kiss the scar on her forehead. "I’m good with that." I smile.

She smiles back with a twinge to her lips. She must hate that I’m making it harder to argue her point.

"I don’t think you're ready for that."

"You think I’m incapable of a real relationship?" I ask, my eyebrows furrowing together.

"You’ve been a self-described commitment-phobe for as long as I’ve known you. I’ve just never seen you in a committed relationship. I have no point of reference with you. It will just be easier to wait until we can be together more consistently. You’re the NFL’s un-official playboy and infidelity runs so rampant in pro sports. I don’t think this will last if we put a name to it."

She let it slip—the real reason she’s been putting me off, fuck! How did I not realize this? The history of the way I’ve been with women both in high school, college and, of course, the NFL. The tabloids and the headlines have done more damage than I thought since I was drafted. That’s why she keeps saying that we can’t make it work because of distance. It’s not the actual fucking distance!

It’sme.

How I didn’t see this to begin with just shows how little blood I have in the right head when she’s anywhere near me. My brain cells are dying in her presence due to lack of blood flow. I’m shocked to silence for once, but that doesn’t last long.

I try to look into her eyes, but she's hiding them from me.

"That’s what this is about. That’s what this has always been about…hasn’t it?"

All her excuses that never made sense. We could have made it work if we’d wanted. People do it all the time. But this new reason she’s finally giving is the "real" why.

She starts to look around to see who’s watching this display. I personally don’t give a flying fuck what paparazzi gets this shot. I might have finally found the actual reason for why Lexi and I have spent the last six years apart.

"You think I’ll cheat on you… don’t you?" She still does answer. "You think I’m incapable of keeping it in my pants." I can’t hide it. I’m fucking pissed. This is worse than when she made me believe she was too busy to be with me. Turns out that was a cop out anyway. Turns out it’s not that she’s too busy to be with me, she just doesn’t fucking trust me to be faithful to her.

This is so fucked!

But then again, she just said it; she has no point of reference. Why? My track record with women. I’ve never cheated on a girl. Although, I’ve never been in a relationship with one to be unfaithful to. But when I was with a girl, she was the one I was with until I moved on. I never looked back until Lexi. But Lexi does have one point of reference for lack of loyalty…what I did to Luca. I left him for a better opportunity and didn’t tell him before the gossip mill found out first.

Still though.

"You really believe I would be unfaithful to you. TO YOU?! Goddamn it, I’d worship the ground you walked on. How in the hell would you have thought I could ever touch another woman if I had you?"

"Tucker, you’re on the road so much. Women throw themselves at you every single day. Look at the tabloids for Christ’s sake. It’s not easy for guys like you to have to hold back. It’s not as if I don’t understand. I do. That’s why I don’t want to put you or I through that."

"Guys like me? I can’t believe you think so little of me, Lexi."

"Don’t try to pretend you’re the Virgin Mary over there. All I’ve ever known, all you’ve ever shown me, is your revolving door of women and the broken hearts you leave in your wake. From eighth grade on, you’ve never kept a girl around for more than a week. But I’m the crazy one? I’m unreasonable to have taken you by your word when you told me you’re not a ‘relationship guy’.

"Isn’t that what you told me on the deck at the lake house when you turned me down the first time?"

The memory of what I said the year after the accident comes flooding back. I was eighteen and headed for college at the end of summer when I kissed a beautiful sixteen-year-old Lexi on the beach. I hadn’t thought it through, but I couldn’t stop myself. So many things were about to change after that summer and I didn't know how the Benson's or Luca would react when they found out that I would be attending Ole' Miss instead of Alabama, like Luca and I had planned. Maybe that moment would be the last chance I would ever get to kiss her.

Then later that night, I made a mistake. I found her sitting out on the deck of the lake house and I lied to her about how I felt—about what I wanted with her because as much as I wanted that kiss to be the start of something, I knew that I still had a lot to prove before I was worthy of Lexi—worthy of the Benson's smart and talented daughter.

"I’m sorry about earlier. About that kiss. I was out of line to do that."

"It’s fine, Tuck."

"It’s not. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who can give you a real relationship."

"And you can’t?"

I remember the pain in her eyes when she asked. Hurting her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

"I’m not a relationship guy. I have a lot to focus on with football. A full ride to college isn’t a free ride – I have to give the team everything I have. I’ll have to strive to play better than I ever have before if I want to get noticed by a pro scout. The NFL doesn’t just give out multi-million dollar contracts to subpar players. This is my one shot. My one chance to prove I deserve it. Having a girlfriend is just a distraction I can’t afford. I need to keep my sights on securing my spot in the NFL. But ourfriendship can’t be collateral for my career. Please tell me you forgive me, and we can move past this."

I’d do anything now to take those words back. To have taken her in my arms instead and told her how much I wanted her, how much I would do anything to make us work, but I knew what I needed to do. I needed to prove to her, Luca, and to myself that I was good enough to deserve her and the only thing I've ever been good at is football.

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