Page 73 of This Means War

I don’t answer her. I just get up and walk on shaky legs out of the studio and to my car, my mind whirring. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t want to go home. There are too many reminders of Cole there. I don’t want to go see Jamie; I can’t take the pity I know I’ll see in her eyes. There’s no way I’ll go see Josh. His I told you so’s would be even worse than Jamie’s pity. My eyes scan the horizon, and suddenly I know where I want to go.

Chapter 53

Cole

I ignore all mydad’s calls and texts and tell Saul I have to go. There’s only one thing that matters. Getting to Lydia. My pulse races as I hop back in my truck. I don’t know what to do or where to go. She was at the news station not too long ago. I could start there, but that feels wrong. I can’t see her staying there for long after what she just endured. Pain wrenches my gut. All I ever do is hurt this woman. All I ever want to do is love her.

I bang my hand against the steering wheel, feeling hopeless. I can’t fix this by myself. I need help. Like I’m a marionette and God just tugged at my strings, my head lifts upwards to the heavens. “God, I’m so broken,” I whisper. “I thought I didn’t need you, that I could handle life on my own. But I can’t. Please be with me. No, please be with Lydia. I’ve let her down, she must feel so alone–” my voice breaks as a cloud shifts and the sun breaks through. Alone.It’s where I go whenever I need to think or be alone.

I know where she is.

I put my truck in drive, backing out so fast the glove box flies open and granola bars come tumbling out.Lydia. She must’ve put those there in case I ever found myself in a pinch and needed something to eat fast. I curse my own stupidity. How could I have been so unappreciative of her help? How could I not have seen how badly I needed her? I see it now. I’m too frantic to be hungry, but I know Lydia would want me to eat something since I haven’t eaten all morning. I grab one of the bars, cram it into my mouth, then peel out of there.

Lydia

I’m sitting ontop of the tallest sand dune, tears sliding down my face when I spot him. Cole. He’s at the bottom of the dune, but when he looks up and sees me, he starts sprinting up it. I freeze, uncertain what to do. I can’t exactly run away. I’m at the top of a sand dune. And I’m pregnant. If I take off running, I’ll have a great fall and roll down the hill Humpty Dumpty style. He pauses, and I watch his chest heave as he stands motionless for a beat. Is he giving up? No, he’s just taking off his shoes. He tosses them aside, not even bothering to bring them up with him. And now, unhindered by his shoes, he’s really moving. There’s nothing left for me to do, but wait.

He reaches the top and my whole body starts to shake. With anger. Or maybe sadness. Definitely hurt. How can I hurt so much over a love I neverhad?

“I…found…you…” he gasps, completely winded. Against my will, concern rises inside me.

“Are you okay? When did you last eat?” The words fly out of my mouth unbidden, and I curse my stupid heart. Oh well, at least now he’ll probably get annoyed at me for worrying about him, and we can just end this conversation before it starts.

“I ate one of the granola bars you stuffed into my glove box,” he says, no trace of irritation in his voice. “Thank you for putting those there.”

I stare at him suspiciously. “Do you really think thanking me for putting granola bars in your car is going to make up for the fact that you kissed Ashley?”

He flinches. “I didn’t–”

“You know, Cole, don’t even worry about it,” I interrupt with false bravado. “You don’t owe me an explanation. How could I expect you to be faithful to me when we only got married to protect your campaign and keep me from losing my job?” I force my voice not to quaver, trying to emit a callous laugh, but sadly it comes out more like a whimper. “Too bad we failed on both counts. Might as well fail on the whole marriage thing too.”

Cole opens his mouth to speak again, but I’m not finished. That whimper showed weakness, so now I need to really prove my indifference.

“And another thing. You think I’m just some pathetic woman who never got over you after you rejected me in middle school, but guess what, I’ll getover you this time. In fact,” I search for the right words to convey what I’m feeling, “I’ll be so over you that I’ll…I’ll forget that you even exist,” I finish with triumph before remembering I’m pregnant with his twins. That might make forgetting him hard. Darn.

“Well, that makes one of us.” Cole steps closer, his gaze laser-focused on me. “Because I will never get over you, and I will certainly never forget that you exist.” He’s right in front of me now, his nearness making my breathing hitch. “How could I forget that you exist when you’ve been all I’ve thought about since the day I first saw you again at the airport.”

“W-what?” I stutter, completely flustered. Why does he always have to smell so good? My body has decided to stage a coup against my mind and is leaning towards him. Just in time I remember why I fled to this sand dune and quickly take a step back. “No, no, no.” I wave my hands between us like I’m refereeing a football game, and he’s just made an illegal motion. “You can’t just climb a sand dune and stand all close to me and make sweeping, romantic statements and, and think that I’ll just forgive you for kissing Ashley.” A sob escapes me. “And I can just buy your cologne!” I add stubbornly through my tears. “So stop trying to use your masculine scent to soften me!”

I’m being ridiculous. Cole should be laughing at me, but his lips don’t even quiver. “Lydia,” his voice is so tender it hurts, “please don’t cry. I have so many things to apologize for. I hope you’ll let me.” He closes his eyes for a second, then opens them as hebegins his list.

“I said awful things to you back at the house this morning. Things I didn’t even mean or think are true. I was a jerk that night at the airport when I slept with you. I work way too much. I was so jealous of Elliot saving you with that article of his that I didn’t even take the time to thank you for helping my campaign by doing the article in the first place. I handled my diabetes diagnosis all wrong and was unappreciative of your support and desire to help me. I should’ve asked not to work with Ashley a long time ago. I wasn’t always completely honest with you about my feelings or things that had happened in the past.” He takes a haggard breath. “But one thing I do not need to apologize for is kissing Ashley.”

I’d been soaking in his words, allowing them to reel my heart back along the line that connects it to his, but this final sentence severs that line leaving behind a jagged, frayed thread. The end of the line.

“I think you should go,” I say coldly.

“Lydia.” Cole looks stricken. “Wait, I messed that all up. Hold on.” He tugs my arm, and as I go to whip it from his grip my eyes lock with his. There are tears lining the rims of his irises. It’s that alone that makes me stay. “I’m such an idiot. I was trying to make a dramatic point, but it came out all wrong. Of course I have to apologize that the kiss ever even happened! I just meant I didn’t need to apologize for being the one to kiss her, becauseshewas the one that kissed me. But of course I have to apologize toyou that it happened at all and that I didn’t tell you about it. But I swear to you, I was furious when she kissed me, and I ended it immediately. I have no interest in kissing her or ever even seeing her again. After she kissed me in that elevator, I told my boss I wouldn’t work with her anymore. Then today, when he tried to make me work with her despite my request, I quit. I don’t want Ashley. In any way.” He’s rambling, repeating himself and looking extremely flustered, and I can’t stop a smile from spreading across my face. He didn’t kiss her. She kissed him. I weigh like a thousand pounds right now, but all of the sudden I feel light as air.

“Lydia, you’re smiling.” An edge of hopefulness lines his voice.

“You don’t want Ashley?” I say, just to be clear.

“Not even a little.”

“And you want–” I break off, self-conscious. I need him to say it.

“You. I want you,” he says fervently. “Only you.” His eyes land on a point over my shoulder, and I watch in bewilderment as he strides past me to pick something out of the sand. He turns, and I see what it is for the first time: someone’s discarded bottle. My breath catches as he walks back towards me. “Lydia, ten years ago I spun a bottle and chose the wrong girl.” He sets the bottle down on the sand, kneeling next to it. “Today I would spin this bottle five times, ten times, a hundred times,” he moves the bottle back and forth like a pendulum in the sand as he speaks, then looks up at me as he points the neckof the bottle straight at me, “however many times it took until it landed on you, because you are all that I want.” He rises and steps towards me. “I have found the one my heart loves, and it’s you.”

---