Page 68 of This Means War

“You might think this sounds silly,” I close my eyes as I say my next words, “but I just feel like God is punishing me.” My shoulders slump. “And I deserve it.”

“What makes you think God has been punishing you?”

An incredulous laugh flies out of my mouth. “Haven’t you been listening? I’ve been plagued by negative media attention, I got put on leave from work, I only just made up with my brother over this whole situation, Cole just found out–” I break off, that’s not my diagnosis to tell. “I mean,” I swallow hard, “I’m married to a man who doesn’t love me, who only married me to preserve his political career.” Tears blur my vision once more.

Josie studies me, then shakes her head. “First off,” she ticks my list off on her fingers, “you’ve done an amazing job coping with the media. Sure, you’ve had some negative press, but that article in the Sentinel this week really softened people to you. Second, you’re about to give birth to twins; having a little extra time to relax and rest may actually be a blessing. Not to mention, you can afford it. Heck, if you ended up deciding you wanted to stay home for a bit after the twins are born, you’re actually in a financial position to be able to do so. Third, okay, you fought with your brother, but you just said you made up, so that really can’t be on your list anymore. I can’t speak to your fourth point, since you didn’t tell me what Cole just found out. As for your last point, that you’re married to a man who doesn’tlove you, I can wholeheartedly say that’s a bunch of boohockey.”

That pulls me up short. “Did you just say boohockey?”

“I did.” Josie nods unflappably. “I know I haven’t seen the two of you together, but I’ve seen enough pictures in the newspaper of him staring at you with gaga eyes to know that man has feelings for you.”

“No,” I shake my head, even as hope rises inside me, “he’s just acting for the cameras.”

Josie snorts. “Please. I’ve met Cole many times. He’s not that good of an actor. Besides, Saul says he’s different with you than he was with Ashley. You soften him. Make him see that life can be fun; it’s not all about work.”

Tears spring to my eyes. “I don’t know about that,” I whisper. “He's been working like mad this week. I’ve barely seen him.”

“Yes, well, maybe you need to start believing that he actually cares enough about you to care that you think he works too much.” She lays a hand over one of mine. “But I’m not here to talk about your relationship with Cole. I’m here to talk about your relationship with God. I’ve already debunked your whole God is punishing me for my sin theory, so now let’s hear why you’re having such a hard time accepting God’s grace and love.”

My heart beats double-time in my chest. “I don’t know why, Josie. I’m just a mess.” I place my hands over my ginormous bump. “I honestly came to church today in the hopes that God would find a wayto ream me out once and for all.”

“And instead, he gave you the story of an adulterous woman to whom he showed compassion.” Josie clucks her tongue. “Seems like God might be trying to tell you something you’re trying pretty hard not to hear.”

My eyes can no longer contain the moisture pooling inside them, but as tears slide down my cheeks, Josie simply takes me by the hand. “God has already forgiven you, my dear, but I don’t think you’ll be able to receive His forgiveness until you forgive yourself. So forgive yourself, Lydia. Let Christ set you free from the bondage of your sin. Accept that you are His beloved child.”

And as we sit there in the bathroom, my head pressed back against the cold wall, I feel some of the shame I’ve been carrying since that night I slept with Cole fall away. A sigh escapes me as I let God’s grace take its place. I am forgiven. I am beloved. I am His.

Chapter 49

Cole

“That’s great Saul,really,” I smile into the phone, happy that at least one thing is going right. “Yes, I’ll draw up the contracts for you this afternoon.”

“No, no,” Saul’s baritone laugh fills my ears. “It can wait until tomorrow. Josie would have my head if she knew I even called you on a Sunday. I’m on a golf trip with our son and she told me no work this weekend, but when I got Josh’s text this morning, I was too excited to wait.”

I laugh too, though in truth his words make me feel a bit hollow. I’ve known Saul for almost two years now, and I’ve always seen him as a levelheaded, stern businessman. One who puts his work first and expects others to do the same. Just like my dad. Sure, I’d seen Saul dote on Josie at various events, but I always thought he did that for show. Now, thanks to Lydia, I’m getting to know Saul on a more personal level, and it’s challenging me to examine my own way of thinking.

“Cole?” Lydia’s voice carries down the hall towhere I’m working in my office, and I push back from my chair to greet her. “There you are.” She smiles at me as we meet in the doorway. Her smile takes my breath away, and I lose my focus for a second staring at her. I’ve missed her this week.

“You okay?” Her smile dips. “Did you eat this morning?”

Annoyance flares up inside me. “Yes, I ate.” The words come out like a snap, and hurt flashes across her features. “Sorry.” I sigh, frustrated with myself. My eyes land on the Bible encircled in her arms, and I remember waking this morning to find her gone, a granola bar and a glass of juice perched on the bedside table next to a note from her saying she hadn’t wanted to wake me. “How was church?” I latch onto the subject, trying to brush over the fact that I can’t handle that I’m an invalid she feels obligated to take care of.

Her posture relaxes slightly, and her smile reappears. “It was…” she searches for a word, “life-changing.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Wow.”

“Sorry I didn’t wake you,” she rushes on, “I just thought, well, you’ve been working so much…” she trails off, avoiding my gaze. “I’d love for you to come next week.”

This is all wrong. Our conversation feels stilted and unnatural. I want to go back to the day I fainted, when I kissed her in the hallway without abandon, when I was ready to tell her I love her. Now saying those words to her would feel like extending myburden to her. I have to get myself together so I can be worthy of her. If part of that means going to church because she wants me to, then I’ll go.

“Uh, yeah,” I nod, forcing myself to sound enthusiastic. “I’ll go next week.”

“Great.” Her smile is all sunshine again. “Oh, guess what? I ran into Saul’s wife there. I had no idea they attended my church.”

“Really?” This takes me by surprise. First it turns out Saul isn’t as much of a workaholic as I thought; now I find out he goes to church? Do I know the man at all?

“Yeah.” She nods, then stands on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek, before turning to go. “Anyway, I’ll let you get back to work.”

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