Page 126 of Promise Me Sunshine

I have a job.

You need a job that ISN’T chasing me around the city with oven mitts on.

I like to take care of you.

I go hot and cold, melty and shivery; how does one just carry on texting after a comment like that? I get too impatient and call him. When he answers, he doesn’t even bother with a hi.

“The truth is, I’ve considered it before.”

“Well, what’s stopping you?” I demand.

“It’s not exactly a nine-to-five. There’s the job itself and then there’s everything that comes with starting your own business. I’d basically be MIA for a couple years while I tried to get everything off the ground.”

I understand right away, because, I’m proud to note, I’m starting to understand Miles’s heart. “You’re worried you wouldn’t be there for Reese and Ainsley.” I pause, and because I’m not dense or currently fishing for compliments, I add one more person to the list. “And me, I assume.”

He hums in agreement but then sighs. “It’s not just about being there in case they needed me…It’s about being there at all. I mean, things are going pretty well with Ainsley right now, mostly thanks to you. But still, the main thing I’ve got going for me is that I’m just reliably always around. I’m Old Trusty, remember? I can’t be Old Trusty if I’m out of the house fourteen hours a day.”

I pause, momentarily thwarted by this line of logic. But then, “I call bullshit.”

“Okay?” he says on a laugh.

“Miles, the main thing you’ve got going for you is that you’reyou.I mean, sure, a lot of being Old Trusty is being there. But that doesn’t mean just being there aimlessly. It means being there when it really matters. And people dothat in lots of ways other than sitting around in one another’s houses.”

“Okay…” He seems partially convinced.

“You are doggedly devoted and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for your people. That’s super clear. But you need a job foryou.Part of taking care of the people you love is taking care of yourself, right?”

As soon as I say it, the lightbulb goes off.

The Live Again list. The Kiss Lenny list. Very different at first glance. But they have something in common. At their core.

Both of these lists are about me taking care of myself again.

I finally understand what Miles is waiting for. Because, sure, who would want to date me if I can’t even take care of myself. But mostly, why wouldIwant to date anyone if I can’t even take care of myself.

He’s been my lifeboat for months. And that comes with a very specific job description. I wonder if he’s reluctant to change his position in my life until he’s sure I can float on my own.

Determination pops open like a can of Coke. I’m fizzing and energized. Because once upon a time, I was the person who scrubbed my apartment down once a week. When Lou was going through chemo, I did her laundry and mine, shopped and cooked. I used to take long, winding walks around my neighborhood and call my mom when I got sad. I used to wear mascara and go to dentist appointments.

Miles might be my lifeboat, but he doesn’t have to be my lifelong Coast Guard. And I’m going to prove it to him.

—

And so…I officially stop trying to seduce Miles. And I stop trying to guess at what’s on the Kiss Lenny list.

Here are some places I redirect that energy:

I ask Reese if we can put a contract in place, outlining my hours, wage, and vacation time. She is so thrilled she collapses down and rests her forehead on her hands and I finally understand how uncomfortable our arrangement has been making her. All she wants for Ainsley is constancy and she’s been taking a huge risk on me, hoping I’ll continue to show up to work.

I call Rica and beg her to force me to go to a yoga class with her. To my complete and utter horror, not only is it a hot yoga class but she’s signed me up for ten straight weeks. I leave the class looking like a thirty-year-old Barbie that someone left in a hot car, but I’m determined to persevere.

To my utter delight, Jeffy actually takes me up on my offer to call me when he’s lonely. I’m working, but no problem. I put Ainsley on the train and meet Jeffy at Dad’s Books and Wisdom, where she, Jeffy, and Dad have a very long conversation about the Isley Brothers. Jeffy gives her a recommendation of a series of novels from the nineties about a scuba-diving detective who solves mysteries in shipwrecks. She leaves with a stack of used copies courtesy of Dad.

I spare Miles the hangover and bring Jericho to my parents’ house for Sunday dinner instead. He brings a selection of baked goods from his bakery that are so gorgeous it literally brings a tear to my mother’s eye. When my dad breaks out the grappa, Jericho turns his cup upside down and crosses his arms in an X over his chest. Mom laughs in genuine delight. “See?” she says. “Hedoesn’t want to marry you.”

I stuff some of the extra cookies in my purse and an hour later I’m about to walk into Miles’s building when he comes jogging out, zipping up his coat.

“Hi!” I step so close to him I have to tip my head back tosee his face. “Are you heading out? I was just coming to see you.”

---