Page 113 of Can't Help Falling

“Because you had no idea how long she was going to be gone for.” His voice sounded strange to his own ears.

He thought of the sheer quantity of Easy Mac and cereal that had been at that house. He thought of Kylie’s nest of blankets in the upstairs bathroom where she’d been locking herself in, terrified to sleep alone in the house. He thought of her getting ready for school every day. By herself. Making her own lunch. Catching the bus. Coming home and turning on every light in the house. Eating shitty processed food and counting cash. Rationing.

Even now, Tyler could look back and see how she’d been rationing everything since he’d met her. Money. Her energy. Even her affection. He’d naively thought that it would just take time to get her out of her shell. Like a turtle who needed to get comfortable with the temperature of the water. But now he saw the money clenched in his hand was a harsh physical symbol of reality, that it had all been so much more complicated than that.

She wasn’t ever going to give more than she thought she could. Because this kid had been taught to protect herself at every single turn. Because there’d been no one there to protect her.

“Kylie,” he asked gently, sagging backward to sit on the edge of her desk. “Why were you counting it just now?”

She eyed him, like she knew a trap when she saw one. “...I wanted to know how much was there.”

“Why would you need to know how much cash you had when I’m the one who pays for everything for you? Why now?” He knew the answer but he needed her to say it out loud.

She glared at the floor, her face red, her breaths coming fast and then faster. He wished she’d move, pace around, throw her hands in the air. But she just sat there.

“I was hoping this would happen, Ty. I wanted you to get with Fin. I saw how much you liked her right away. And her, you. It wasn’t as obvious, but I thought, maybe she likes him. And pretty soon, that became pretty freaking obvious too. I showed her the videos of you dancing because I knew she’d like them. I talked you up because I knew she was stubborn and didn’t like to see the softer side of you. I basically pushed you two together. And I always knew what would happen next. Okay? So. Congrats. Congrats to you two, congrats to me. It doesn’t have to be some big reveal. I get it.”

“Kylie, the money. Why were you counting the money?”

Still frozen, she spoke in a low, composed voice that was so much worse than yelling.

“I just wanted to make sure I knew how much freaking money I have to my name before you sent me back.”

He thought maybe his brain had just cracked in two, cleaved cleanly down the middle by his irrational sister.

“Hold on. Just stop talking. Everybody stop talking!” Tyler yelled, although it was just the two of them and he was the only one talking. “Send you back? Send you back where? To what? You think that just because Fin and I are together now, that I won’t want to be your guardian anymore?”

She shrugged, her angry chin pointed at the floor, her arms finally coming unstuck from her sides and crossing over her chest. “No one wants their kid sister around when they’re starting the life they really want. You’re gonna want to get married, Ty. Have kids. I’ll be in the way—”

“I don’t want kids!” Tyler shouted. “I—You’re—I’m not fucking sending you away, Kylie. And not as a matter of principle. But because you live here. You live here. This is where you live. With me. In this condo. I want you to stay here.”

“Oh, stop it!” She put her hands over her ears, and it was then that he saw how bright her eyes were, like she’d accidentally rubbed hot sauce into them. “Don’t insult me. I know exactly how excited you weren’t to drag me back to Brooklyn. I know exactly how much you didn’t want your sister taking up your home office. I heard you in Columbus, Ty. ‘Please let Lorraine come back. Please let Lorraine come back.’ You didn’t want me then. And I’m just supposed to believe that you magically want me now?”

Tyler blanched, realizing that she’d heard his pleas to a higher power. His highly personal mantra for that horrible time in his life, in Kylie’s life. “Yes!” he roared. “You’re supposed to believe it. Because it’s true!” She was as still as an ice statue, but he paced from one side of her room to the other. “Yes, I wanted your mother to come back. No, I wasn’t prepared to be your guardian. No, I didn’t want your entire life to get turned on its head. But you know how long I felt that way? About one freaking week. And then you know what my new mantra became? ‘Please let me get custody of her. Let me take her back to Brooklyn.’You know how many times I said that to myself? Probably about a thousand times a day. Dammit!” He tilted his head to the ceiling and shouted a question at the universe. “Why the hell couldn’t she have heard that part?”

“You didn’t want me,” she said stubbornly. “You told me so yourself.”

He sagged backward onto the desk again. “What? When the hell did I tell you that?”

“You told me, point-blank, that you’re as much at the whim of the judge as I am. You only did this because you had to.”

He remembered her confusing reaction to his statement. That she’d blanched, winced back like he’d slapped her. He hadn’t understood it at the time because it had never even occurred to him that she’d take it so far from the way he’d meant it.

“Kylie, that is not what I meant. I didn’t mean that the only reason I was taking you was because the courts were making me. The judge didn’t hold a gun to my head. He simply said, ‘Look, Tyler, it’s you or the foster system.’ And I said me. It’s me. It’ll be me and her. That’s what I meant.”

She said nothing.

He had no idea if now was the time to be quiet or keep talking, but because he was Tyler, he kept talking. “I admit I was freaking terrified at the beginning. My feelings about having you here have evolved. Are you going to punish me for that? I want you here. I want the two of us to live here together. We make a good family.”

“No!” She sprang up, moving for the first time since he’d come into her room. She didn’t look as furious as she had a second ago. Worse, she looked overwhelmed, desperate, wild. “Don’t say that. You said that before. You said that I was a good family member. And I don’t get it.” She covered her wild expression with both hands. “I don’t fucking get it.”

He knew she was crying behind those hands and he moved toward her. “What don’t you get?” he asked softly.

“I don’t get the pattern. But I’ve never understood the pattern, and I’ll drive myself insane if I try. I don’t get it. I don’t get it.”

“Kylie.” He moved toward her and took her by the shoulders. Her hands stayed firmly over her face. “What don’t you get?” He repeated the question.

“You say I’m a good family member?” Her hands finally dropped, and shiny tears had trailed down her cheeks, her lips pulled down at the sides almost like an infant’s would. Her hair was wispy at the temples but brushed back over her shoulders, making her look both young and mature at once. She gasped for air over her jumping breaths. “You say that I care about your life and your friends and eat dinner with you. You think that makes me worth keeping around? Makes me good family? Well, you think I didn’t do any of that for her? You think I didn’t try my ass off to be good for her? Kind to her? Easy to be around? I did everything. Everything! And still! All she leaves me is a note and that.”

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