Page 77 of Just a Heartbeat Away

Via sighed and stood up, leaning forward on the balcony and looking out toward Prospect Park. The trees were stark, and in mid-November, the sun was already fully set at 6:00. A man rode by on the street six stories down, a boom box lashed to the back of his bike. A Beyoncé song.

“This is bad news for you?” Fin asked from behind Via. “That a man like Sebastian Dorner has passion for you?”

“No, it’s not bad news. But, I don’t know, it’s not quite what I’m hoping for.”

Fin laughed and nudged the back of Via’s knee with her socked foot. “I know you crave stability above all else, love. But what woman doesn’t want passion?”

Via turned around once more and wiped the sweat from her eyes. “He thinks I’m too young for him, Fin. I can tell he finds me attractive. But I want more than that. I want him to...consider me.”

“Consider you for what?”

“As a person he could really love.”

“Is that how you’re considering him?”

Via dropped her slender body back into the porch chair and huffed. “Yeah. So what? He’s incredible. And I have this, this, this—”soccer ball of hot feeling. A gravity-based, world-sucking black hole of want“—really big feeling for him. And I’m scared he’ll just look at me and think,child.”

“Violetta, you’re the most mature twenty-eight-year-old on the planet. You put yourself through college, paid off your debt in two years flat, live on your own, pay your taxes, recycle, read the news. Christ, you even get your clothes dry-cleaned. What more could the guy want?”

“That’s exactly it. I have no idea what he wants! What if he just wants to hook up? And then what if people at school find out! Fin—” Via cut herself off, gulping down an acid feeling in her throat. The idea of becoming a source of gossip at her place of work was so abhorrent to Via that she felt momentarily sick. She’d learned at age twelve never to rock the boat again. Drama got kids switched to new foster homes. Drama equaled instability. And Via needed a rock-solid foundation for her life to even feelremotelycomfortable.

“So, you don’t want to start anything with him because you don’t know whether or not it’ll end up being casual?”

“I guess?” Now Via was even confusing herself. “But I also don’t know if it makes sense to hope for something serious, considering how badly I botched this whole Evan thing. I mean, how could I ever, in good conscience, insert myself into Seb’s and Matty’s lives knowing exactly how mixed up and torn up and screwed up I am?”

“Via.”

Via barely heard her. “Fin, you and Jetty are the only two relationships in my life that I’ve been able to keep. I—you know that I always end up isolating myself from people in some way or another. I’m too sad, by nature, you know? Or maybe not nature, but by circumstance. When my parents died, it changed me. Loneliness, sadness, it’s just a part of who I am. How can I put that on somebody like Sebastian, when he’s got a kid and a life and...”

Via dropped her face into her hands. “The whole thing is a nonstarter. It’s a bad idea to be casual, it’s a bad idea to be serious. God, I should have just worked things out with Evan.” She lifted her face from her palms. “I can’t believe I did this to my fucking life. Just tossed everything up in the air like a bowl of confetti. I spent so much time building things with Evan, and then in just a few months, everything goes up in smoke. I mean, God, how could I have let this get this far?” Via dropped her face back into her hands. “If I had just realized what was happening, I could have pulled back from Sebastian, and I never would have gotten feelings for him, and then I could just still be with Evan. Instead, I’m out here in no man’s land, adrift as fuck.”

“Via! Good God!” Fin jumped up, laughing her ass off. She strode back into the house and came back out a minute later with a cup of rosy tea in one hand and huge, honking amethyst in the other. “Good God. Here. Drink this and put this over your heart chakra.”

Via had been patched up by Fin’s unorthodox methods way too many times to scoff. So she took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart, and chugged the tea. “Oh. It actually tastes good.”

Fin raised an eyebrow. “You were expecting...?”

“I was expecting it to taste like old fish like that last poison you had me drink.”

“That poison cured your allergies if I recall correctly, sister.”

Via nodded. Fair enough. Under Fin’s watchful eye, she leaned back in the chair and laid the rough-hewn amethyst crystal over her heart. She closed her eyes and breathed deep, willing the stone to take some of her anxieties away. Whether it was the crystal or simply her friend’s loving presence, Via couldn’t say, but her racing heart gave way into a softer tempo. A tear leaked out of one side of her eye.

“No matter how many knots you tie, this problem is still just made from one rope, Violetta.”

Via cracked an eye and looked at Fin. “What do you mean?”

“You want to be with this man, and you’re telling yourself you can’t. And, good God, do you have a lot of reasons.”

“Those reasons stand,” Via insisted.

Fin shrugged. “Only if you prop them up.”

Via huffed a little bit. “Won’t you just leave me alone and let me be mean to myself?”

Fin laughed. “Via, either you’re brave enough to try or you’re not.” She paused. “I’ll love you even if you want to keep being a little coward.”

Via laughed and groaned and slurped more tea. “Things were easier with Evan. Even if they weren’t perfect.”

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