Page 11 of Just a Heartbeat Away

He wondered if that had been her subtle way of telling him the date was ending too early.

He let himself into his house and locked the door quietly, immediately crouching to pat Crabby’s sleepily wagging behind. He clicked his tongue and had the dog at his heels as he grabbed a beer from his fridge. Sebastian cocked his head and followed the noise of his television.

“What the hell?” Tyler gaped at him from one end of the couch. “Dude, it’s like 9:25. I didn’t tank my Saturday night to babysit for a date where you don’t even score.”

“How do you know I didn’t score?” Seb raised an eyebrow as he plunked down on the couch. Crabby hopped up beside him and curled into a little doggy doughnut. Seb kicked off his shoes and stripped off one sock and then the other, stuffing them in his sneakers. He leaned his head back and rolled it to look over at Tyler.

“Because you’re as well ironed now as you were when you left, and you’ve only been gone for like an hour and a half. And even Seb ten years ago needed more time than that to close the deal.”

Seb laughed into his palm as he scraped it over his face. “I got a good-night kiss outside the F train. Does that count?”

“Depends.” Ty weighed his head back and forth. “Tongue?”

Seb raised both eyebrows and didn’t answer.

Tyler lowered the volume on the TV and eyed his best friend. “You all right, man?”

“Yeah. It was just weird was all. Being with her was fine. But kissing her was weird.”

“Because of Cora?”

“Sort of. I mean, Emma’s the first person I’ve kissed since Cora. But it really just felt weird to kiss someone I had no interest in. Pointless, I guess.” Seb started peeling the label off his beer bottle. “The whole night I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know. Like the person she messaged for a date and the guy who actually showed up were two different people.” He laughed humorlessly. “I felt like my own imposter.”

Tyler recrossed his feet on the coffee table. “You mean like right after Cora died?” Seb could hear the very careful tone in his friend’s voice.

Seb didn’t have to ask what he meant. Tyler had been there. Seb hadn’t just felt debilitating grief, he’d felt like everything in his life was...off. Greens weren’t the same green. His regular coffee cup was heavier and wider. Old familiar songs had new, unexpected lyrics. Even his body had felt different. He’d looked in the mirror and seen someone else, a sad, shell-shocked brother, maybe. Sebastian hadn’t felt like he was in the right life, or the right body, for a year after Cora had died. It had taken that long.

“No, not like that.” He glanced up at Tyler and finished peeling the label off his beer. “You don’t have to worry about me going back to that place. Really. It wasn’t like that.” He gathered his thoughts. “The whole time I just felt like I was an actor in a play or something. She’d be like, ‘tell me about yourself, Sebastian,’ and I’d look into the wings like, ‘line.’ You know?”

“No, I don’t really know. I’m always effortlessly charming and perfectly self-assured on dates.” Tyler grinned when Seb blew a farting noise. “Was she boring or something?”

“No.”Yes, a little.“She was totally fine. I just don’t know about this whole dating-for-the-sake-of-dating thing.”

“Trust me, dude. It’s good for you.”

“Daddy?” Matty was in the doorway, knuckling one eye and looking like someone had run a vacuum cleaner over his hair.

“Hey, buddy.” Seb set his beer down and opened his arms to his son. “What’s up?”

Matty climbed into Seb’s lap and rested his head on his shoulder. Seb relished it. Only when Matty was very, very tired was he this snuggly anymore. His kid was growing up. Losing those chubby cheeks. Seb knew thatDaddywas on its last legs. He was only everDadwhen Matty was around friends. It plucked a bittersweet chord in his heart. Of course he wanted his kid to grow up. And of course he wanted his kid to stay a baby forever.

“I’m thirsty.” Matty reached down and tangled one hand in Crabby’s fur.

“Why didn’t you drink the water in your water bottle?” Seb always left water there for him. He had somehow ended up with the thirstiest child on the planet.

“I wanted some of your water.” Matty’s sleepy words were mostly just hot kid-breath into Seb’s face, and he couldn’t help but chuckle. Matty always insisted that whatever water Seb was drinking tasted better than any other water. So, for Matty’s entire life, Seb had been drinking water with kid backwash in it.

Planting one arm around his son, Seb leaned toward one of the side tables and grabbed a glass from earlier in the day. “Here you go.” He turned to Tyler. “You can head out if you want.”

“Nah, I’ll stay for the game.” Ty nodded toward the baseball game he’d been watching.

“Can I watch some of the game, too?” Matty asked, blinking those sleepy gray-green eyes up at his dad. His sucker dad.

“Sure.” Matty would be asleep again in about three minutes anyways. With his kid on his chest, his dog snoring into his thigh and his best friend across the room, Seb didn’t feel alone. He let his mind drift back to the date. The pretty woman and the warm good-night kiss.

He sighed. It might be strange, but he preferred the second half of his night to the first.

SEBASTIANPLUNKEDDOWNnext to Shelly and Grace, two of his favorite staff members at the school. They were straight shooters. And both of them had lost their husbands so when they’d found out he was a widower, they’d sort of adopted him into their group of two. He sat with them at most of the staff meetings.

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