Page 42 of My Wild Horse King

“None of them have the power of flame,” I say. “Or who knows what you’d have seen them do?”

Mirdza looks a little sick.

“The difference between you guys and Leonid is that you don’t have any faith in his moral compass. If it was Alexei who had won the election, he might have done the same exact thing as Leonid, eliminating the leader of Belarus.” I can’t help my frustration. “And now you’re here, planning to craft yourself a dangerous puppet you can use to take him down, as if that’s better than him. At least he attacks people himself.”

None of them say a word to me, but they murmur amongst themselves plenty. What’s ironic is that I don’t trust Leonid any more than they do, but at least I can see the hypocrisy in what they want to do with Gustav.

Which makes the next three hours of waiting while Gustav merrily conducts his meetings and presentations torturous. I’m pacing in the hallway outside yet another boardroom, waiting for the presentation there to start so we can finally be done and head back to Gustav’s place when Alexei approaches.

Without his girlfriend, for once.

“Are you okay?” He actually looks concerned.

I should ignore him. They probably sent him out here to pump me for information. His expression’s so earnest, and his concern so terribly real that I can’t help myself.

“I—this—using Gustav like a loaded gun feels wrong. I think you should tell him what you want, and then tell him the risks he’d be facing if he agrees, but let him choose.” No one ever gives anyone else any choices, and isn’t that their biggest issue with Leonid?

But then it hits me.

I’m a hypocrite.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been so agitated.

Because isn’t that what I’ve been doing with Alexei? Isn’t that why I went to Leonid in the first place? He chose Adriana, not me. He’s known me for a long time, andhe doesn’t want me. He wants her. I’ve been refusing to accept that, which is the same thing as them refusing to accept that Gustav wants nothing to do with the powers we all covet. Above all else, I don’t want to be like Leonid, or like the three of them, forcing things on people that they don’t even want. Which means. . .

That I have to let go of my lifelong dream, or that’s how it feels.

It hurts.

My insides feel raw.

Loving Alexei has been who I am. It’s been what makes meme.

I’ve wanted it—for him to want me back—for so very, very long. I’ve wrecked things in my life. I’ve hurt people. I’ve done it all so that Alexei would realize that he loves me, but what if he never did? What if he never, under any circumstance, ever will?

Have I been thevillainthis whole time without realizing it?

I went to Leonid and offered to trade Gustav’s whereabouts for Alexei’s powers, for heaven’s sake. This poor man—whom I’ve now met—I was willing to exchange his whole life for a chance at winning Alexei back.

Someone who doesn’twantto be won.

He prefers having her to having his powers restored.

“I’m sorry.” Tears spring up in my eyes. “I’m really sorry.”

“For having an opinion?” Alexei looks concerned. “You’ve always had an opinion, and you’ve never been sorry about that before.”

“Leonid didn’t say you had to marry me.” I wince. “He said he’d give your powers back any time, because then, every time you use them, you’d think of him. And if you ever confronted him, he’d have the kill switch. He could always just shut down your abilities again, as he did with me. It’s a reminder.” I shake my head. “I asked him to let me make the stipulations, so I could use your own powers to get what I want.”

Alexei looks disgusted. “You colluded with him?”

“Only about this,” I say. “Only to try and win you back, but I’ve realized that’s never going to happen.”

“You can’t win back what you never had,” Alexei says.

Even though he’s not trying to hurt me, it stings. But he’s right. I never had him. I never will have him.

“I’ll text him now and tell him to give you the powers back.”

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