Page 149 of Altered

I hadn't left the apartment.

I didn’t want to.

Noah was waiting until I was ready before we scattered his ashes.

I would never be ready.

Never.

My family called every day.

I didn’t answer the phone.

They knocked on my door.

I kept it locked.

I wanted to be alone.

I never thought about losing him.

In my eyes, he had been invincible.

I never thought it could ever happen and now that it had, I had no clue of how to cope.

How to manage the pain.

It was indescribable.

Empty.

Numb.

Cold.

Dead inside.

It was the only way I could describe how I was feeling.

Loving him and losing him was too much for me.

Making me feel this way, it was fucking punishment for my bad choices.

For the terrible things I had done.

For the pain I had caused the people around me.

If I could take it all back I would, just so he could live.

So he could be on this earth.

I didn’t know how I was going to last a lifetime without him in it.

It killed me to even think about it.

Locking myself away was the only way I could cope.

Knowing I had a part of him growing inside of me was the only reason I was still breathing.

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