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“Are you finished?” I asked him, feeling the hot sting of tears. “Because you can go now.”

Darren stood in the doorway for a solid minute longer, looking at me like he wanted to say something, but didn’t. Eventually, he shook his head and turned to leave. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

12

I’m Alone

Shannon

I had been home from the hospital less than a week, and already the cracks were starting to show in our newly formed family unit. Mam was withdrawn, and when she wasn’t at work, she spent most of her time locked away in her bedroom or sitting like a zombie at the kitchen table, smoking cigarettes and staring off into nothing. This wasn’t anything new to us, but without Joey around to compensate, the household was falling into a state of anarchy.

It didn’t seem to matter what Darren said or did; Ollie and Tadhg weren’t impressed and constantly challenged him. Even little Sean was resisting our new setup. He hadn’t spoken a word to anyone since Dad left. I knew Darren was trying, and a part of me felt bad for my oldest brother, but a bigger part of me held infallible allegiance toward Joey.

Joey hadn’t come home in days and with his noticeable absence from our younger brothers’ daily routine, something they had been used to, came confusion and rebellion. I had a feeling Darren was regretting ever coming home. He was snowballing under the pressure of the role he had taken on, drowning in the bills and debts our parents had recklessly amassed, and smothering in the responsibility of caring for younger siblings and a weak mother.

On top of the meetings with solicitors, sessions with counselors, and house visits from social services and the Gardaí, the boys still had training sessions and matches most evenings. They had routines to uphold, and even with Nanny helping out, it was a lot for one person to manage. The pressure was immense and without Joey around to smooth everything over like he usually did and steer Darren in the right direction, cracks were showing and tempers were rising.

The only good part about the whole mess was that our father was still missing. The bad part was that I knew in my heart that my mother was pining for him. She was pining for the man who made our lives a misery. That gave me little hope for a long-term future without him in it.

Without a phone or Joey, I had no way of contacting the outside world. Four months ago, that wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest. Four months ago, I would have been grateful to curl up under my duvet and hide from the big bad world. But that was before Tommen.That was before Johnny.

Something was happening to me, I realized, something was shifting deep inside of my mind, and for the first time in my life, I feltrestless. I felt like I wanted to pull on the chains shackling me to this house andbreak free. I had no idea where the notion had come from, but it was there, it was real, and it was encouraging me to dust myself off andfight back. To be brave and turn this life around for myself.

Not even the warnings from the Gardaí, encouraging me to stay at home while they searched for my father, or the constant whispering in my ear from Mam and Darren could dissuade the yearning I had inside of my heart to break free. I found it strange that now, with more bruises on my body than ever before, I wanted to push the boundaries, but that’s what was happening.

“Have you heard from Joey?” Tadhg’s voice cut through my thoughts, bringing me back to the present.

I swung around to find him leaning against the bathroom wall, his arms folded across his chest, watching me.

“No,” I replied, turning back to face the mirror I had been staring into before he distracted me. “I haven’t.” Using my free hand, I ran my fingers through my hair, flinching when pain ricocheted through my scalp. “I haven’t seen him since the hospital. You know this.”

“And you’re not worried?” he pushed, tone hardening. “Or do you not give a fuck like the rest of them?”

“You know I care, Tadhg.” Forcing my hand to steady, I reached up with the scissors I was holding and tried again. “I give a lot of fucks.”

“Why isn’t he coming home, Shan?”

I wanted to screambecause she’s here, but I held it back and forced out“I don’t know, Tadhg” instead.

“What are you doing?” he asked then, sounding distracted.

Setting down the scissors on the sink, I turned around and gave him my attention. “I’m trying to fix my hair.”

He arched a sardonic brow. “By hacking it off?”

“I’m not hacking it off, Tadhg.”

“Then what are you doing?” he repeated, tone challenging.

I released a heavy sigh. “I’m bald.”

“How’d you figure that?” His brow furrowed. “Your hair looks the same as always to me.”

Walking over to the toilet, I closed the lid and sat down. “Come here.”

“Why?”

“So I can show you.”

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