Page 41 of Keeping 13

Staggering over to my bed, I sank down on the edge and dropped my head in my hands. Sookie, my Labrador, stirred from her perch at the foot of my bed and bounded toward me, closing the space between us, clearly thrilled to see me again.

“How’s my baby, huh? Did Ma leave you in here? Good girl.” Bone weary, I scratched her ears and neck, while my attention shifted to the newspaper lying open on my nightstand. Leaning over my dog, I grabbed the newspaper and flicked it over to the page it was open to.

The instant my eyes landed on Shannon’s smiling, unmarked face as she snuggled into my side, I felt like I had been sucker punched in the chest.

“I fucked up, Sook.” Wrapping an arm around my dog, I buried my face in her neck. Exhaling a pained growl, I blinked away the sting of tears as my mind frantically flicked through every bad memory I had of Shannon until I felt like I would explode. “I fucked up so bad, girl,” I confessed, clenching my eyes shut as a harsh sob tore from my chest. “Christ.”

A low knock sounded from my bedroom door. “Johnny, can I come in?”

“No,” I bit out, tensing up. I was surprised that my mother was actually asking my permission for once in her life. “Just…just leave me be, Ma.Please.”

There was a long pause and then the sound of retreating footsteps filled the silence, getting quieter and quieter, before spinning around and growing in volume. My bedroom door flew inward and Mam strode in. “I’m sorry, love, but I can’t do that.”

And they calledmea bulldozer.

“I know you’re mad at me,” she said, closing the space and sitting down beside me. “And you have every right to feel that way. I’m mad at me, too.” Reaching out, Mam ruffled Sookie’s ears before rolling her out of the way and shifting closer to me. “But you’ve been through hell these past few days.” Placing her hand on my shoulder, she added, “I need you to know that I amhere. Ineedto be here foryou.”

“I know you’re here, Ma,” I muttered, focusing my gaze on the door of my en suite bathroom. “Never thought you weren’t.”

“I talked to Dad about what happened to Shannon,” she added gently, squeezing my shoulder. “I know you must be feeling confused right now.”

I sighed heavily. “That’s one way of putting it.”

“It’sokayto feel off-balance over this.”

“I don’t know how I’m feeling anymore,” I mumbled, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Everything’s just…railroading.” Dropping my head, I inhaled several calming breaths, wondering how in the hell my life had taken on this fucked-up route. “I feel like I’m drowning in their pain, Ma,” I admitted hoarsely.I feel like I’m drowning inher.

“You’re a smart boy, Johnny, but you’re not emotionally equipped to deal with what you were exposed to tonight, and that’sokay.”

“There’s nothing okay aboutanyof this,” I bit out through clenched teeth. “A grown man beats the living daylights out of his daughter, fucking terrorizes her foryears, puts her in a hospital bed, and just slips away into hiding?” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Do you thinkShannonis emotionally equipped to deal with that? Because I honestly can’t see how.” I leaned my head back, more upset than I could handle. “I don’t get it, Ma,” I hissed, feeling the anger rise up in me once more. “I don’t understand how a man could do that to his kid—” I clenched my jaw and inhaled through my nose, needing to keep my cool more than anything right now. “How anyone could do that toher.”

“Sometimes people do horrendous and unexplainable things, love,” Mam replied softly. “There’s no sane way of understanding madness, love, so don’t drive yourself crazy trying to.”

“But I just—”

“Care about her?” Mam interjected gently. “We know, Johnny, pet.”

“Months, Ma,” I choked out, feeling anxious. “I’ve known Shannon formonths, and knowing that every day of those months she was going home from school to that piece of—” I shook my head and took several deep, calming breaths before continuing. “I let her down. I’m just one more on a long list of people who let her down.”

“You didn’t let her down, Johnny. You didn’t know.”

“I knewsomethingwas wrong,” I argued. “I knew that much!”

“Because you’ve always had a good sense of what was right and wrong,” Mam replied. “That’s what makes you special, love. You’ve always drummed to your own beat. Defended the underdog. You’ve never been one to fall into line or follow the crowd. Even when you were little, you walked your own line, Johnny.”

“That’s not really helping, Ma,” I grumbled.

“What I’m trying to say is you obviously saw something in Shannon. Something that you wanted to protect. But it’s not your job to save the world, Johnny. You weren’t to know what was happening to her, so don’t put this on your shoulders.”

“Yeah, well, apparently, he’s analcoholic,” I sneered. “Like that’s an excuse to use your kids as a punching bag.”

“It’s not an excuse,” Mam agreed. “It’s a crime.”

“Ihatehim,” I spat out, practically choking on my outrage. “I want to hunt the creep down and do some serious harm to him.”

“But you won’t.”

“No, I won’t.” I glared down at my legs. “Because I can hardly take a piss on my own right now.”

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