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Instead, I went with the truth. “They don’t want me to talk about it with anyone.”And especially not with you.

“Who’s they?”

“My mother,” I told him, feeling uncertain and wary. “And Darren.”

Johnny’s forehead creased in confusion. “Darren, as in the brother who doesn’t live in Cork anymore?”

I nodded. “He’s back.”

His brows shot up. “Since when?”

“Since this.” I gestured to myself, feeling embarrassed. “He says he’s home now, and that he’s going to help Mam with the kids and, ah, and my…my f-father.” I cringed at the last part—the father part.

“He says?” Johnny narrowed his eyes, too intuitive for his own good. “So, you don’t believe him?”

“I don’t know what I believe anymore.” I sighed wearily, too tired to put up a barrier between us. “A lot of grown-ups are saying a lot of things, they’re all talking around me and above me, and I’m just—”

“Done with the bullshit?” he offered, squeezing my hand.

“Yes.” I nodded, grateful for his acute interpretation skills. “I’m so done with the bullshit, Johnny.”

“Where’s your father now?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” His tone was sharp, even outraged. “He wasn’t arrested?”

“He’s missing—slipped out after it happened and hasn’t been seen since,” I whispered, feeling panicky at the thought of my father being out there somewhere. “Darren says he will be found and charged, but Joey isn’t so sure. Nobody’s telling me anything… Well, except for Joey. Joe reckons that Dad’s probably staying with friends of his in Waterford, keeping his head down until the dust settles and Mam takes him—” I expelled a defeated breath and mumbled, “back.”

“Back?”

Numb, I shrugged again. “I’m really not supposed to talk about this with—”

“It’s me,” he told me, tipping my chin up with his fingers. Meeting my gaze, he added, “You can tell me anything, okay?”

“I’m scared,” I confessed, biting down on my bottom lip. “And I don’t want to go home.”

“With your ma?”

I nodded stiffly.

“Because she let you down,” he said quietly. “Because you don’t trust her.”

“She makes promises but that’s all they are:emptypromises.” Shaking, I moved to wrap my arms around myself, only to think better of it and latch on to his warm arm instead. “We’re supposed to feelsorryfor her because of what she went through, because she’s a victim too, and I know that, I truly do, but I just… I can’t find it in me tofeelthat way.” The usual fear and uncertainty that consumed me whenever I was in his presence was absent now. I felt stripped down to the bone and laid bare to this boy, and he was still here, still looking at me with the same eyes, still wantingmorefrom me. “She’s getting support now, and the Gardaí and social services are obviously confident in her ability to parent us. That’s why they’re working with her. They’re setting her up with all types of services and counseling.”

“But you’re not?” Johnny asked. “You don’t think she can?”

“I know she would never hurt us,” I whispered. “Not on purpose at least. She’s not violent, Johnny, and she’s not cruel. She’s justweak. Darren keeps saying that we need to have patience and give her a chance, but I just… I can’t get my hopes up.” Gripping his forearm with both hands, I squeezed. “Because I’ve seen this all before. She’ll take him back—I know she will—and then what? What happens then, huh?” Shaking my head, I furiously fought with my emotions, blinking away traitorous tears. “Nothing. Nothing will happen, just like always, and I’m just so done with it all, Johnny.” I exhaled a ragged breath. “I want to get out of this town, go far, far away andnevercome back.”

“Can you tell them?” he asked. “That you don’t want to go back with her?”

“And where would I go? What would happen to my little brothers if I did that? Theywantto stay with her.”

“Are you sure?”

“Ollie and Sean do. I don’t know about Tadhg, he’s not saying much, and Joey’s over eighteen so he can legally live wherever he wants.” I sighed in defeat. “If I push back on this, if I tell them that I don’t feel safe with her, they’ll whip us all into care and we’ll be split up.” My brow furrowed and I cringed before admitting, “I tell lies like I breathe air. Even to myself. Half of the time, I don’t even know what’s the truth or a lie. I have to actually think long and hard about it because that’s all I’ve known. I’ve been covering things up for so long that I’m not even sure ifI’mthinking clearly. And now I’m doubting myself because I keep thinking what if I’m wrong about her? What if I’m wrong to think badly of her?”

Johnny was silent for a long time, not making a sound, just being there, being with me, sharing the weight, shouldering the pain with silent support. And I think I loved him more for what hedidn’tsay in that moment. He didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. He didn’t offer more than he could give. He juststayed.

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