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“And what do you think about that?”

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly, still reeling from how fast everything was happening. “It’s a lot to take in, Da.”

“And you’re hesitant?”

I nodded slowly.

“Because of Shannon.”

Yes? No? Maybe?I shrugged helplessly.

“I see,” he replied calmly.

I doubt it.I didn’t think anyone could see what I saw in this moment. “I don’t know.” That was all I could say—all I could think. “I really don’t know, Da.”

“Dublin is a two-and-a-half-hour car ride from Cork,” he offered. “It’s doable.”

“It’s not that,” I croaked out, dropping my gaze to study my hands.

“Then what is it, Johnny?”

I opened my mouth to explain but snapped it shut again. I didn’t have the words. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling when I didn’t understand it myself. “I’m lost,” I finally told him. “I’mconflicted.”

“Is this not what you want anymore?” he asked gently. “Because that’s okay, too.”

“I want it,” I choked out. “Trust me, I want this, Da. Rugby is what I want to do with my life. That hasn’t changed.”

“But?”

“It’s just…” I blew out a pained breath. “I don’t know if I want ityet.” I forced myself to look at him, expression guilty. “I don’t know, Da. If I sign, then that’s it. It’s done. I have to give it all up.”

“Give what up?”

“Tommen, my friends, Shannon, Gibs…” I shrugged, feeling lost and helpless. “I’ll be a man.”

“Youarea man, Johnny.”

“I know, but I just… I thought I had moretime.” I shook my head. “I didn’t even realize that Iwantedmore time until they handed me that contract and I saw it all slipping away from me.”

“More time to be a teenager?”

I nodded dejectedly. “How pathetic is that?”

“It’s not pathetic,” he corrected. “It’s music to my ears. That’s all your mother and I ever wanted for you—to just befree.”

“I didn’t do enoughstuff, Da,” I told him. “All of my friends were living it up, and I was always so focused on the game that I didn’t join in.”

“And you got the taste of it this year,” he added, expression thoughtful.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “And I know you’re thinking this is about Shannon and that I don’t want to sign because I’m afraid of leaving her, and to a point that’s true. Idon’twant to leave her, but it’s mostly aboutme. About who I am and where I fit—and I need more time to do that. I didn’t pay enough attention to mylife. I didn’t experience any of the stuff I now realize that Iwantto experience. I got a small stab at it, a few short months, and now it’s gone.”

“It’s not gone,” Dad replied. “You don’t have to sign anything, Johnny. This is an adult decision, it’s a commitment to your future, and it doesn’t have to be made now. You can come home, son. You can continue working with the Academy, training with the U20s, and finish off your schooling at Tommen. We can decide after your leaving cert next year about college and where you want to play—if you want to play. Your future is yours, Jonathan. It belongs to you, not the coaches. You’re still only eighteen years old. You can have that extra year, son. Your mother and I will support you no matter what.”

“But Istillwant that contract,” I choked out, feeling conflicted. “I want it so fucking bad, Da.”

“And you’re afraid of turning it down in case you don’t get offered another one next year?”

Sighing heavily, I nodded. “Exactly.”

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