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I nodded slowly. “Hundred percent.”

“I just…” Swallowing, she released a torn breath. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do now.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I’m never going to see her again,” she sniffled. “I never got to tell her goodbye, or say sorry for all of the mean things I said to her—”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” I told her, forcing myself to keep my emotions in check. “You didn’t then and still don’t. She made a lot of mistakes with you, Shannon. She knew that, baby. She didn’t need to hear you say sorry.”

“I’m still mad at her,” Shannon confessed. “I love her and I hate her and I want to scream at the unfairness of it all.” A small sob tore through her and I couldn’t resist pulling her onto my lap a second longer. “I just…” Sniffling, she buried her face in my neck and held on to my shoulders. “I want to go back to when we were little andbegher to love herself more than she feared him. To just loveusmore than she lovedhim…”

“She loved you,” I said, trembling now. “She did, Shannon.”

“I don’t know—”

“Well, I know,” I told her, tightening my hold on her. “You think I got those kids out of the house? Well, I couldn’t have done that without your ma. Shehelpedme, Shannon.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I was trying to get the door open,” I explained hoarsely, my body racked with grief and guilt. “My hand was shaking so fucking bad, and the kids were so scared. I was sure your da was going to turn around and see me there. But then your ma started coughing, making enough of a distraction for me to open that door and get them out.”

“Wh-what?”

“Yeah.” I forced myself to continue. “Your mother did a lot of fucked-up shit, baby, and I’m not excusing any of it, but that night, when it came down to the wire, she looked me dead in the eyes and told me tosave her children. That was the only thing on her mind at the end. Making sureyouand your brothers were out of that house.”

Shannon’s breath hitched in her throat. “You s-spoke to h-her?”

Guilt-ridden, I looked my girlfriend in the eyes and nodded. “He was sitting with his back to the kitchen door, and there were empty bottles spread all over the table. I just didn’t know what they were at the time—or else I blocked it out.” Shaking the horrific image from my head, I focused on Shannon’s face as I spoke. “But your ma saw me, and she nodded her head. I didn’t know what to do… I thought for sure she was going to scream at me, but she didn’t. She looked at me and nodded. She was telling me togo. And then she walked over to the door, and I—” I cut myself off, struggling to verbalize the night that was haunting me.

“Keep going,” Shannon begged, silently crying. “Please.”

“We couldn’t talk,” I choked out, “so we were mouthing words to each other, and she said, ‘Go, go now—’” Shuddering, I wiped my cheek against my shoulder and forced myself to keep going. “‘Get them out,’ she kept saying to me. ‘Take them away from here.’”

“Oh god…” Shannon’s hands tightened on my shoulders. “D-don’t stop.”

“I told her I’d come back for her,” I admitted brokenly. “I promised and she s-said no—” My voice cracked and I had to inhale a shuddering breath before I could finish. “I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t come with me. I begged her to justcomewith me. I would have protected her. I swear I would have. I thought she was afraid of him hitting her. I didn’t know he was going to dothat, but she must have known because she told me to save her children. Those were her exact words—save my children.” Sniffling, I croaked out, “And she told me to t-tell all of you t-that s-she was s-sorry.” A sob tore through me and I desperately tried to wrangle my emotions into check. “And then she just… She c-closed the kitchen door and I walkedaway…” I clenched my eyes shut, trying to stop my own tears. “I left her there, in that house with him, and I’m so fucking sorry, Shannon!”

“Johnny—”

“I’m sorry.” Shaking my head, I buried my face in her neck and whispered the wordsI’m so sorryover and over until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. She was crying right along with me, and I knew I would never fully get over the decision I made that night. “If I could go back I would,” I promised her. “I’d change it all—”

“Look at me,” Shannon sobbed and I shook my head. I was too ashamed. “Johnny Kavanagh, look at me.” When I didn’t comply, she cupped my face in her small hands and forced me to look at her.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, feeling tears trickle down both cheeks. “So sorry—”

My words broke off when her lips crashed hard against mine. Shuddering into her touch, I kissed her back, feeling the dampness of her tears mix with mine.

“You don’t say ‘sorry,’” Shannon croaked out, dragging her lips away from mine. “You don’t apologize to anyone becauseyoudidn’t do this. You aregood. Yousavedme. So many times. So, you don’t putthaton you. Not ever.” Sniffling, she wiped my cheeks with her thumbs and blew out a shaky breath. “Are we clear?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, drowning in her words. She didn’tblameme. She wasn’t mad at me. She didn’thateme. “We’re clear.”

“I love you,” Shannon whispered, still holding my face in her hands. “For keeps.”

Exhaling a ragged breath, I kissed her swollen lips. “Most in the world.”

“Can I stay in here with you tonight?” she asked then. “I just… I want to be close to you.”

“Yeah.” My voice was thick and gruff. My heart was hammering at the speed of light. “You can stay with me.”

I waited for her to climb off my lap and slip under the covers before dragging off my clothes and climbing in beside her. “Your skin is always so hot,” she whispered when I draped an arm around her and tucked her into my chest. “It’s nice.” Shifting around so that my other arm was under her head, she nuzzled her cheek against my arm and inhaled a deep breath. “You smell like home.”

Shivering, I curled my body around hers and pressed a kiss to the curve of her jaw. “Youarehome.”

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