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“What’s wrong with Mam?” Shannon choked out, trembling violently. “Wh-what did he d-do?”

“She’s dead!” Darren cried. “He fucking killed her!”

“No!” Shaking her head, Shannon backed away like her brother’s words had scalded her. “No, no, no, you’re telling lies.”

“Hekilledmy mother,” Darren choked out, clutching my father. “Fucking bastard—”

“Stop saying that!” Shannon screamed, pulling on her hair. “She’s not dead, Darren. She’s at home. Isawher!” Clutching her head in her hands, she glared at her brother and hissed, “She’s fine.” Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked up at me. “Tell him, Johnny!” she begged, lunging for me. “Tell him he’s wrong!” Grabbing my hand, she tugged pleadingly. “J-just t-tell h-him—”

“There was a fire at your house, Shan,” I choked out, feeling my body shake with the effort it was taking not to lose it.

“A fire?” Her eyes were wide and full of tears. “No, Johnny, no!”

“Therewasa fire, baby,” I croaked out, heart racing. “And your ma… She, ah—” My words broke off and I cleared my throat before forcing the words “She and your da didn’t make it” out of my mouth.

“No.” It was one word but I knew the sound would haunt me until my dying day as she stared up at me, those big blue eyes begging me to tell her different. I wanted to—more than anything—but there was no escaping this. Her parents were dead.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, moving for her. “Shan, I’m so—”

“No!” she repeated, backing up until her back hit the wall behind her. “No!” Covering her face with her hands, she slid down the wall. “Mammy, no, no, no! Not my mam…not my mam.”

A tear slid down my cheek as I watched her, feeling more helpless than I ever had in my life. Crouching down beside her, I placed a hand on her knee. “Shan—”

“No,” she choked out, shaking my hand off. “No, no, no.”

Exhaling brokenly, I tried again. “Shan—”

“I said no!” she sobbed, wrapping her arms around her legs. “No…” Burying her face in her knees, she rocked back and forth. “Oh god, they’re both gone.”

“I know.” Feeling at a complete loss, I edged closer and nuzzled her shoulder with my cheek, desperate to give her comfort. “I’m so sorry.”

“Joey,” Shannon sobbed. “Joey… Oh, god, where’s Joey?”

“It’s okay, Shannon,” my father replied, tone soothing. “We’ll find him, pet.”

“He doesn’t know,” she wailed. “He’s gone!” She tugged roughly on her hair. “He’s just gone—”

“Don’t,” I choked out, taking her hands in mine. “Don’t do that to yourself, baby.” I couldn’t take another second of watching her like this. “Please.”

“Don’t touch me!” Trembling, Shannon yanked her hands away from mine, chest heaving. “D-don’t do it, okay?”

“Okay.” Holding my hands up, I watched her watch me, feeling my heart crack clean open in my chest. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

I remained exactly where I was, keeping my hands to myself, as I waited for her to take what she needed from me. Eventually, she did. With a huge sob, Shannon scrambled onto my lap and threw her arms around my neck, clinging to me in a way I knew I would never fully deserve. “Don’t leave me—” Tightening her arms around my neck, she buried her face in my chest and whispered, “Please don’t go…”

Exhaling a broken sigh, I wrapped her up in my arms and held her to me. “I won’t.” Tightening my hold on her frail body, I rocked her gently. “I’m right here.” Exhaling a ragged breath, I ducked my face and dropped a kiss to her hair. “I promise.”

I wanted to stand in front of this girl and shield her from all the horror she was exposed to. It wasn’t right, dammit, and I felt like I was drowning in the unfairness of her life. If I could lay her cuts and bruises over my skin, I would.

A loud knock came from the back door then, followed by a male voice. “John, is it okay if we come in?”

“We’re in here, Billy,” Dad called out, still holding Darren. “Come on in.”

Two uniformed Gardaí walked into our kitchen, followed by my father’s friend, superintendent Billy Collins. The moment they removed their hats and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” the worst, most heartbreaking sob tore from Darren’s throat and Shannon sagged weakly against me.

Holding her tightly, I slowly rocked her in my arms, whispering everything and anything I could think of in her ear so she didn’t have to hear what the Gards were saying to my father and Darren. She was hysterical, gasping for air, and crying harder than I’d ever heard her cry before. My heart was shattering into a million pieces, my mind reeling, but I stayed right there with her, unable to separate my emotions from hers.

When Dad, Darren, and the Gardaí went down to the sitting room to where Mam was with the younger boys to break the news, and the screaming started, I held her even tighter. Right there on the floor of my kitchen, I cradled her in my arms, feeling every one of her sobs and cries in the deepest part of my soul. “‘Shh, little darling…’”

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