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“I’ve cleaned up more of your bodily fluids than I care to remember,” I shot back, smirking.

“I think your actual living sperm on my ass trumps my puke on your sheets, fucker!” he roared, shuddering from head to toe.

“Sperm dies off once it’s released, Gibs.”

“Not for seventy-two hours,” he shot back with a shudder. “I was listening to the sex nurses yesterday.”

“They weren’t sex nurses,” I offered, still laughing. “And at least you can’t get pregnant.”

“Pregnant?” he seethed, voice rising in outrage. “I am fucking pregnant! I’m pregnant withdespair, Johnny! I have a belly full of fucking disgust right now.”

“Boys?” Mam’s voice filled the air. “What’s the matter— Oh, Gerard, why are you in your underpants?”

“Your son”—Gibsie paused to point an accusing finger at me before continuing—“ejaculated on me.”

“He did?” Mam asked with a hopeful expression on her face.

“Yes, he did!” Gibsie groaned, shuddering from head to toe.

“I didn’t fucking ejaculate on you,” I shot back, torn between laughing and fucking crying. “I ejaculated and yousaton it.”

“Same difference,” he barked, furious. “Same fucking results, Johnny!”

“Oh, love, I’m so happy it’s working for you again,” Mam said, sagging in relief. “But you shouldn’t be interfering with yourself when your friends are over.”

“What?” I gaped at her. “Are these words actually coming out of your mouth?”

“It’s all over my uniform, Mammy K,” Gibsie told her. “He ruined me.”

“I know, Gerard, love,” she coaxed, patting the big bastard on the cheek. “Go and get yourself in the shower and I’ll wash your uniform for you. It’ll be good as new.”

“I’m hungry, too,” he added, giving her the puppy-dog eyes.

“I’ll put a fry on for you, pet,” she replied. “Now, go on in and get yourself washed up.”

Shuddering, Gibsie nodded and stalked into the en suite, discreetly giving me the finger as he went.

“Now,” Mam said with a weary sigh as she bent down and retrieved Gibsie’s uniform off the floor, “I know I might be behind with the times, and this isn’t something I ever imagined having to say to you, Johnny, but please don’t be ejaculating on Gerard.”

“Ididn’t,” I choked out, mortified. “WhywouldI?”

Mam shook her head and mumbled something about “Who knows with teenagers today.”

“Ma,” I snapped, flustered. “I had a wank. He sat on the tissue and threw a tantrum. I didn’t ejaculate on him.”

“And Jesus wept,” Mam whimpered, pressing a hand to her forehead. “I could have had a daughter. I could haveunderstooda daughter…”

“Well, you got me,” I huffed, flopping back down on the mattress. “Dick and all.”

“Jonathan!”

“Whatever, Ma, you should be glad,” I tossed out, dignity long gone. “I might actually be able to give you grandchildren one day.”

“Not with Gerard, you won’t.”

My jaw fell open. “I’m not gay!”

“It would be fine if you were,” she offered.

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