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She happened to me when I least expected her. I didn’t want it, wasn’t willing to negotiate with the change I knew she would bring. So I blocked her out. I kept her at arm’s length. Until one day, I couldn’t do it anymore.

It took me some time to figure out what was happening to me, to understand the feelings thrashing through me, but once I did, once I accepted what I was feeling and set my sights on her, I was all in.

Five months had passed since the day she burst into my life, throwing everything in a spin, and my feelings for her were deeper than ever. I honest to god felt like I was drowning in everything she was. Her pain, her smiles, her horrible fucking family, her playful personality—the one that peeked out when we were alone together. I was completely caught up in her.

I was fairly sure that neither of us had a clue of what we were doing—I certainly didn’t—but I knew whatever it was, I had no intention of stopping. She wasn’t a test I could study for, or a match I could prepare for with practice and countless hours at the gym. For the first time in my life, I was out of my element and winging my way through a relationship I wasn’t entirely sure how to navigate, but the feelings she evoked from me were addictive. Fuck addictive, I wasobsessedwith my girlfriend. I was in so deep with her that I could hardlybreatheand still I jumped in deeper, pushed down further, wanted more and took it, doing whatever I could to justbewith her.

Between her family despising me and my rigid training schedule that was back in full swing, spending time on our own together was a problem for me. I was struggling to find a balance between rugby and my girlfriend, and most days I fluctuated between going extra hard in the gym or on the pitch and wanting to blow off training, get in my car, and go pick her up.

Feeling stronger than ever, I worked myself to the bone, falling back into my 5:00 a.m. gym sessions and working overtime to make up for precious lost time. I was throwing everything into building myself back up in time, hungry to recapture and retain my position. She never complained about how much I trained or how often I went to the gym. She justencouragedme, giving me a steady flow of silent support that was more comforting than anything else, while continuously telling me that she believed in me.“You can do it, Johnny, I know you can.”Her words were powerful to me. They affected me more deeply than she realized. Those small affirmations helped me drag my arse out of the bed each morning when my body screamed in protest.

I tried not to think about what the future held for us—about what would happen when that call came through, because for the first time in my life I was invested in something other than rugby. I was invested inher.

Before I met Shannon, I wouldn’t have considered myself to be an impulsive person, but something had rewired itself in my brain, morphing me into a reckless, unthinking eejit. I knew I messed up with her father a few weeks back, but in fairness, how the hell could I walk away? How could anyone lethimwalk away? Someone needed to make that monster pay.

The sound of my phone ringing cut through my thoughts and I pulled the car over outside Shannon’s house before taking the phone out of my pocket to answer it. Glancing at the screen, I smiled when I saw Shannon’s name flash on the screen. “Hi, Shannon.”

“Hi, Johnny” came her soft reply. “How was training?”

“Same as always.” Sighing contently, I leaned back in my seat. “I’m outside.”

“Oh no,” she mumbled. “I’m not there.”

“That’s okay,” I replied, pushing down the surge of disappointment churning inside of me.

“I’m actually at Claire’s house,” she said down the line. “We’re going shopping.”

“Shopping?” I smirked to myself and plucked a piece of fluff off my thigh. “You got anything nice in mind to buy?”

“Uh, no, not me,” she replied, voice muffled. “But I can come over later tonight, if that’s still okay with you? Hughie said he’d drop me to your house if you still want me to come over?”

“You better come over,” I teased. “Otherwise, I’m going to have to come scale the side of your house and break you out.”

She laughed softly. “Oh, hang on—” The sound of ruffling and muffled whispers filled my ears before Shannon came back to the phone. “Claire wants to know if Gibsie is with you.”

“No, he drove to training today,” I replied, glancing down at my watch. “He should be home soon.”

“Did you get that?” I heard Shannon say to Claire. “I miss you,” she added, directing this part at me. “A lot.”

“I miss you, too, baby.”

“You two are disgusting,” Claire’s voice snickered down the line. “You saw each other at school yesterday.”

Something caught my eye in the front window of Shannon’s house, distracting me from the conversation. Arching up, I peered over the wall, watching as the curtains twitched again. “Who’s home, Shan?” I asked, curious.

“Huh?”

“At your house?” I asked. “You said Darren was in Belfast this weekend for work?”

“Oh, he is,” she replied.

“So there’s nobody home?”

“There shouldn’t be,” she replied.

“Oh.” I watched as the curtains twitched around and then a little blond head popped out and then quickly disappeared. “Hmm.”

“Why?” she hurried to ask, panic evident in her voice. “Is there something wrong?”

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