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“Well, if it is, then I’m a weirdo, too.” Lying back on my bed, I folded an arm behind my head. “Because I was just about to call you.”

She exhaled heavily into the phone. “Really?”

“Really,” I confirmed gruffly. “I was thinking about you all night.”

“Me too,” she replied. “You, I mean,” she hurried to amend. “I was thinking about you all night—not me.”

“I know what you meant,” I told her, smiling to myself at her cute verbal blunder. “Are you getting up now? It’s only—” Craning my neck, I checked the time on my alarm clock before saying, “A quarter to five.”

“I thought you might be going to the gym,” she whispered. “I was… Well, I was going to ask you if I could come and just wait in the car?”

A trickle of unease crept up my spine. “What’s happening, baby?”

“Nothing.”

“Shan…”

She blew out a harsh breath. “I’m scared.”

I sat straight up. “Do you want me to come and get you now?”

“No, no, no,” she hurried to say, tone hushed. “There’s nothing wrong. I’m just nervous.” She exhaled another shaky breath before saying, “Can you stay on the phone with me? You don’t have to talk. I just…I feel better when I know you’re close.”

Closing my eyes, I flopped back down and swallowed a furious growl. “Of course,” I managed to say instead, keeping my tone gentle. Settling under my duvet, I whispered, “I’m right here, baby.”

48

Busted

Shannon

My father had been out of treatment for a week, and I was having trouble sleeping. Every time I dozed off at night, I was bombarded with nightmares so frightening that I jerked awake and spent the rest of the night in a panic-induced frenzy, body on high alert, waiting for the sound of the key turning in the lock. It hadn’t come yet, but that didn’t mean itwouldn’t. That was the scariest part of it: knowing that our futures balanced on our father obeying the barring order and our mother keeping her resolve. I wasn’t naive enough to hold out much hope for either.

Forcing all thoughts of my father to the back of my mind, I focused on the present. On the boy sitting on the grassy bank of the pitch beside me. Blocking out the rest of the world, I concentrated entirely on my boyfriend.

It was hard for me to comprehend why a guy in Johnny’s position, with everything going for him, had so willingly attached his sail to my damaged mast. But he had. And every day that passed since was made bearable because I had him.

When Joey and Darren were fighting at home, I blocked it out. When Mam was catatonic at the kitchen table, I breezed straight past. When the fear of my father coming back threatened to spin me into a panic attack, I distracted myself by texting Johnny a homework question.

I found that I could do those things now, because I knew I had something to lookforwardto. He had become the safe place where I could let down my defenses. I wasn’t focusing on my family all the time. I wasn’t dwelling on the negative because I had the best version of positive in the form of my boyfriend. This house had become a temporary pit stop for me. It wasn’t the cell I spent most of my waking hours trapped inside. It was a means to an end. A place to lay my head at night. Because in the morning when I woke up, I knewbetterwas waiting for me.

So much better.

I knew that sounded pathetic, but for me, someone who had never had anyone besides Joey, it was bewildering. For the first time in my life, I had someone who was just forme. I didn’t have to share him with my brothers or my friends. I didn’t have to compromise or double-check. He was mine.Just mine.

I savored every minute I got to spend with him at school, and even then it was never enough. The kisses weren’t enough. The hand-holding wasn’tenough. The nights I snuck out of the house to drive around in his car with him until the sun came up weren’t either. Nothing seemed to be enough when my body and heart continuously screamed out formore.

Every morning when I woke up for school, it was with hope in my heart because IknewI would get to see him. I knew that once seven forty-five rolled around, Johnny Kavanagh would pull up outside my house after his gym session and sit on my garden wall, taunting Mam and Darren until I came outside and climbed into his car. He was like clockwork, so rigid in his routine, and I found it deeply comforting. When Johnny told you that he would be there, he wouldbethere. He was never late, and he never canceled.

Once I climbed in that car with him, the best part of my day would begin. Lunch breaks, stolen kisses between classes, steaming up the windows of his Audi…it waseverythingand not nearly enough all at once.

Dragging myself from my thoughts, I turned to look at Johnny. We were sitting on the hilly bank after school, the one he had knocked me down on all those months ago, watching the team train, and I knew he was upset. He’d been quiet all day. I couldfeelit. All the smiles in the world couldn’t hide that.Not from me.Last week was hard for him, too. Tommen had lost the final against Levitt, and I knew he felt that loss deep in his bones as he watched in dismay from the sidelines. Hooking my arm through his, I rested my cheek on his shoulder and whispered, “You’re going to make it, Johnny.”

“Don’t put money on it,” he replied quietly, hand moving to his thigh. “I don’t think it’s going to happen for me, Shan,” he added, voice barely more than a whisper as he adjusted the bandage I knew was strapped to his thigh beneath his school trousers. “Not this summer.”

“I do,” I countered, sliding my hand down his arm to link with his. “I know it.” Entwining our fingers, I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “You have your appointment with your doctor tomorrow, right?”

Johnny nodded, shoulders sagging. “But even if she signs me off to play, there’s not enough time to pull this back—”

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