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“Uh, nothing,” I mumbled, embarrassed. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You want to have sex?” he pressed, watching me warily. “Is that what you’re saying?”

“I don’t know.” Nervous, I got up and stood on the other side of the bed with my back to the window, watching him with equal wariness. “I mean, I’ll do it if you want to?”

“Is that a trick… What the… Are you… Fuck!” Holding a hand up, Johnny placed his other hand on the top of his head and took several deep, steadying breaths. He looked like he was about to explode as he rolled his lips between his teeth and eyeballed me. “Just give me a minute.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“I’m not having sex with you,” he finally said when words found him again. His voice was torn, his expression pained. “We’re not having sex, Shannon,” he reiterated, voice strained. “It’s not happening.”

Oh god.

“I’m sorry.” Flustered and mortified beyond belief, I quickly pushed my skirt back down. “It was a stupid… I don’t even know what I was thinking. I mean, of course you don’t want to… Ugh, just forget it—”

“Iwantto,” he quickly corrected. “Believe me, I want to. I promise. But I justcan’t.”

“Oh.” My gaze flicked to the tent he was pitching in his gray school trousers. “Because you’re still sore?”

“No, baby,” he choked out, throwing a hand up. “Because you’re not ready.”

“But I said I’d do it if you wanted to,” I whispered.

“Exactly,” Johnny groaned loudly. “You said ifIwanted to—not becauseyouwanted to.” Shaking his head, he walked over to the bed and sank down. “It’s way too soon.”

“But when you were with Bella, you were having—” I snapped my mouth shut and hovered by the window, watching him. “Never mind.”

“Jesus,” Johnny muttered, dropping his head in his hands. “Is that what you think I want?” When I didn’t respond, he straightened up and looked at me. “Come here.” He patted the mattress beside him. “Come sit with me for a bit.”

I watched him carefully for a moment before letting my shoulders sag in defeat and walking over to sit down.

“Talk to me,” he said quietly. “Tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

“I just…” I stopped short and tensed up, unable to get the words out.

“You just what, Shannon?”

“Nothing.”

“Talkto me.”

“I just want you to wantmein all the ways you wantedher,” I blurted out and then flamed in embarrassment.

“No.” Johnny shook his head. “You don’t want that.”

“But I really do,” I admitted glumly.

“So, you just want me towantto fuck you?” he demanded, tone heated. “You want me toonlywant sex from you? To fuck you and spend the entire time wondering how fast I can get away from you?” He stared hard at me, daring me to tell him yes. “Or wonder how long is socially acceptable to stick around after pulling out of you? Five minutes? Half an hour? Do I have to kiss and cuddle you, or can I leave and wash the smell of you off my body? Because that’s how it was with her.” He ran a hand through his hair and growled. “There were no feelings involved. It was sex and nothing else.”

“No, I don’t want that,” I admitted quietly. “I just want to be what youwant.”

“Youare,” he urged, tone heated. “I don’t want what I had with Bella. I want what I have withyou.”

“You promise?”

“I fucking promise, Shannon!” Leaning forward, Johnny rested his elbows on his thighs and exhaled heavily. “Listen to me. Bella was a mistake.” He grimaced as he spoke her name. “I think I knew she was a mistake even when I was fucking—uh, making the mistake,” he quickly amended, casting a guilty look in my direction. “I was disconnected and I wanted tofeelsomething for a little while.” He sighed again. “I could see my friends and the lads on the team with girlfriends and all that shite. Like Hughie and Katie? Christ, even Gibs and Claire. And I don’t know, Shan, they all seemed so carefree, so fucking reckless about it, that I was jealous.”

He looked at me when he said, “It gets lonely when you’re traveling on one path and all of your friends are on another path together, and I guess I just craved some sort of connection with something or someone other than rugby. But it never happened for me.” Straightening back up, he rested a hand on the mattress and turned to face me. “I justcouldn’t, you know? I’ve never been able to connect with anyone like that.” He shrugged helplessly, blue eyes locked on mine. “Until one day I looked up from my life and there you were. All blue eyes and full of secrets.” He cleared his throat several times before saying, “And I’ve never felt more connected.”

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