Page 28 of Silent Is The Heart

I need to say something. I used to have to contain my excitement over getting to talk to him, but now that my speech is more improved than he ever heard it, it’s like I don’t have the backbone to use it. It might have something to do with the only thing I’ve said to him verbally was a taunt about his dead husband before I knew said husband was dead.

Did you make it home okay?I sign.

Leaning against his desk, he drops his chin, cheeks going pink. “Um, yeah. I’m so sorry about flaking out like that…about…not being myself.”

I’m sorry about your husband.That doesn’t seem very sincere since the thick air between us says he remembers the feel of my tongue in his mouth, so I add,I thought maybe you were divorced.

“Um, no.” Craning his neck back, he looks up at the ceiling and blows out a breath. “I can’t say I didn’t think about it sometimes. We didn’t exactly know each other very well when we got married, so it took some work after the honeymoonphase was over.” Fidgeting, he stuffs a hand in the pocket of his khakis and flashes me a chagrined look. “Not what you asked, I know,” he digresses with a nervous laugh. “But I’m just explaining because…because I guess that’s part of what’s made losing him so difficult. Not that it’s probably any easier losing someone you had a perfect relationship with.” Pushing off the desk, he goes to the window and stares out at the dreary landscape, everything going dormant and caught between the end of summer and fall.

“I got completely swept up and lost in Jason when he came along. I’d never met anyone like him. He had this incredible resume and was so confident and worldly and…convincing.” Glancing back at me, he lets out another of those pained laughs. “I honestly don’t know how anyone would have saidnowhen he asked me to pick up and move out to Seattle with him. He made it sound like the world would be at our fingertips and our life would be full of sunshine and rainbows. And it was…for a while.”

His silence infects the room with something dark that has me wanting to go to him. I’m here to cut ties amicably, not get pulled further into the fog that is Aaron.

“That’s what I get for believing in true love,” he mutters with feigned humor and lets out a sigh, turning back around to face me. “I… lost sight of who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I won’t pretend I came back here solely by choice. I honestly couldn’t see many other options, but…I’m here now. So far, I’ve made a mess of nearly everything. For starters,” he hesitates, fingering his collar and eyeing a spot on the floor. “Thinking I should look up one of my former patients.”

Iused to be the one who was embarrassed all the time during our sessions. Sure, I teased him to keep the playing fieldeven, but this is a different shade of humility in him now. It wars with the chip I’ve carried on my shoulder. His life choices destroyed the invincible image I had of him, making part of me want to scold him for pissing on my fantasy. I can see now that he was just a pop icon on a poster, and yet, the icon sought little old me. It still doesn’t make any sense.

Why did you?

“I…had to know if you were okay. If you were okay, I thought maybe it meant I’d done one thing right.”

Shit. If he starts crying again, I don’t know what I’m going to do. The urge to get up and hug him is way stronger than it should be. I don’t fucking hug.

“Honestly, though,” he admits with a forlorn smile, “wondering what happened to you after you left here was better than thinking about everything I usually think about these days.”

And there it is. He was just looking for a distraction from his pain.

It’s not exactly a compliment, but it’s forgivable. Understandable. I feel it in my damaged bones. What the hell is life but a distraction, anyway? Maybe that’s all he ever was to me and why it hit so hard when he disappeared. I was forced to face everything after that.

I nod because there’s nothing to say.

The phone on his desk blares, slicing through the poignant silence between us. Frazzled, he turns and answers it.

“Oh? All right. No. No, just wait. I’ll be there in a minute. Okay.”

That’s my cue to leave. Peace offering delivered. Guilt successfully shucked off. I stand, giving him a knowing look when he turns back to face me.

“I’m sorry. I have to go.”

The remorse in his voice shouldn’t please me. He’s just lonely. It’s not like he wants my company in particular. It’s not like I want his company. I don’t.

Take it easy on them, I tell him, gesturing to the phone.

“Always,” he laughs. “If Dr. Norton taught me anything, it was to not rule with an iron fist.” Grimacing at the room, he adds airily, “Or…smoke a pipe indoors.”

I didn’t need to see that he still possesses his easy humor.Leave, Easton, a wise voice in my head tells me.

Giving him a salute with my melting shake, I head toward the door. I didn’t even want to come here. Why is there an invisible pull making me want to stay?

“Easton,” he calls just as my hand touches the knob. “If you ever want to chat or…get together. Maybe not at a club or with alcohol involved—I think I’ve made it obvious that I’m in no condition to handle either of those situations,” he chides himself with that annoyingly adorable goodness in his expression as he scribbles a number on aPost-it Note. “God knows why you’d want to. I must look completely deranged after how I burst into your life again, but…it really is good to see you.”

Reaching out, I fully expect the slip of paper to snap me like a mousetrap. He is the freaking mouse, after all. He just didn’t know it, apparently, or I’m a bad fucking cat who can’t tell a cry for help from a come-on. Whatever. I can throw it in my drawer with the rest of the numbers I’ve collected.

“Thanks,” he adds, lifting his cup. “For the shake.”

I need to burn that damn place to the ground so no one can ever buy him one again if he acts like this over a freaking malt. Protect him from more Jason Reiders.

Whoa…

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