Page 93 of The Idiot

I hate the tension I can feel in his body. The fear. At the same time, however, it gives me my answer. Murph just seesus. Neither friends nor lovers, justus. That’s what I want him to see, always.

“No, of course not,” I reassure him, greedily tugging him back to me.

“Then why did you ask?”

“I guess, I still can’t believe that I get to…”

“Get to what?”

Maybethisis the strange part, looking at him with all this love I feel in my heart. Knowing I have permission to look at him while I have all this love in my heart and that he’ll be able to see it. I guess it’s not strange, exactly, just new.

So, I do look at him. Tilting my head back, I quit selfishly hiding the glow that feels like it’s radiating off me. The fear, too. I show it all to him. I don’t want either of us hiding anything anymore. Maybe part of being in love is being so damn happy that, once you’ve discovered it, you’re terrified of living without it.

“To love you,” I clarify around the lump in my throat.

Geez. Am I getting teary-eyed?

It’s a thing of awe watching his expression transform. You’d think I just told him Auggie died. At least I’m not the only one getting emotional.

His knuckles brush against my jaw, and he swallows like it’s difficult. “Yeah,” he whispers. “You can always do that. I’ll never complain.”

Grabbing his face, I let him know with my mouth that I always will. With each tender brush of our lips, some of the fear dies away. I don’t suspect it all will, though, and that makes sense. I can live with being ‘goodscared.’ Because how can you not be scared of losing the love of Murphy Malone once you’ve witnessed it?

“Promise me we’ll always talk to each other,” I demand, still holding his face, so I have his attention. “I might have learned how to give a mean blow job, but I can’t read your mind.”

His snort comes out choked with emotion as he squeezes my hand. “I promise.”

I get a hard kiss to seal that vow. His arms wrap back around me, pulling me tighter against him like he’s just as content not to leave this bed as I am, even though we’re clothed and the sun hasn’t yet set.

“And promisemethat if you ever need me to listen, you won’t feel the need to gag me,” he murmurs into my hair.

Oh, great. This is going to be like the badger thing. I can tell already. The next time I need him kidnapped, I’ll have to have to issue Alexis and Cheri a ‘no-ball gag’ decree. He doesn’t seem mad about it anymore, but still. They went kind of savage on my man.

Wait. What am I saying? There won’t be a next time.

“As long as you don’t try running off on me again, otherwise, I make no promises. The girls have experience now, so you wouldn’t even see them coming if I ever have to request their services again.”

“Jesse?”

“Huh?”

“I couldn’t run away from you if I tried. You were the only man on that ship before I even knew you had boarded it.”

“Yeah?”

Man, I’m stupid-smiling again. It’s worth it, though, seeing that smirk on his face and the smitten look in his eyes.

“Yeah,” he concurs. “There’s no escaping you. You’re too deep in my heart. You’re probably what it’s made of, to be honest.”

Oh, Baloney. He’s like a mountain man poet. I always loved feeling like I was young, but I’m going to enjoy this growing old business. Burrowing into the side of his neck, I let out a contented sigh. All is right in the world.

“Well, good. Because I’d find you, anyway, if you did try.”

His lips press to my forehead. “I’m counting on it.”

CHAPTER 34

Murphy

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