Page 86 of The Idiot

“Go home, Jesse!”

He’s seriously stonewalling me? At a time like this? No one’s ever told me they loved me in my adulthood. How can I walk away from that? No wonder he’s single.

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“I swear to God, if you don’t leave, I’m going to kick you in the bussy!”

He’s resorting to physical threats now? What kind of love is that?

Gasping at his doorway, I know my battle is lost for the evening. My head is spinning, and my heart feels like it’s whirling around inside my chest. Maybe Ishouldgo home and think about this before I have it out with him. Still… he doesn’t need to get mean and tell me he’s going to kick things.

“That’s not fair if I still don’t know what it means!” I counter petulantly.

All I get is a muffled shout through the door. “Then look it up!”

I will, the jackass. And then I’ll be back to… to what? Shit. I really should go home.

CHAPTER 31

Jesse

Knocking on the doorframe of Pete’s old childhood bedroom in my parents’ house, I rap softly so as not to startle Cam. Turning around between the stacks of boxes surrounding him, he gives me a bright smile.

Disgustingly happy people are so disgusting.

“Hey, Jesse. What’s up?”

“Um, mind if I stow this in your closet?” I ask, holding up my Pinocchio costume.

I’ve been so busy spending time with Murph since we got back from the cruise that I never bothered to finish unpacking everything. Busy? Happy? Distracted? Sorely ignorant of what was really happening between us? Whatever.

“I don’t feel like dealing with the attic ladder right now,” I explain.

“Yeah. Sure. Go ahead. I’ve got everything out of there already. Just folding up a few things, and then I think everything is ready to haul to our new place.”

Does he have to look like he’s glowing the way he talks about moving in with my brother? So annoying. I mean, if hewants to buy a house with the crankiest Carver brother, more power to him. I’m happy for him.

Side-stepping packages, I make my way to the closet. Hanging the costume on the rod, I’m reluctant to let it go. Murph kept eyeing me like I was an ice cream cone he wanted to lick from head to toe when I wore it. Why I didn’t realize until last night that all those looks held something else makes me feel like the biggest fool in three counties.

Iwant… to hold his hand. Of course, I do. Laying in my bed last night, I put every suggestion he flung at me on trial. I ran through every scenario. Each time I did, I got that strange, fluttering panic in my belly and my chest that used to freak me out. The difference between now and all those times before is that before I wasn’t supposed to think about those things. I was in the friend-zone where I thought I belonged.

Now… I can.

And now that I can, they’re all I think about. The panic isn’t the panic of ruining our friendship and sexual exploration venture by appearing too clingy. It’s an exciting panic, like when you’re at the top of a rollercoaster and you know it’s going to scare the shit out of you, but you’re still excited because it’ll feel great once you take the freefall.

I… love Murph.

Lovehim.

I’minlove with him. With my best friend.

There’s that giddy rush of scariness again, making me shiver.Best Frienddoesn’t seem like an adequate title anymore. He’s more than that. I think he always has been. I’m not saying I entertained the idea of getting naked with him before, but I think I’ve always felt like our connection was more special than something called friendship.

And now… he won’t talk to me again, so this is fantastic. Is it a bearded-person thing? Hold your feelings in and then explode and hibernate?

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