Page 36 of The Idiot

“Huh?” I don’t understand. The only person I know is sitting right next to me.

“The little guy with all the accessories,” he elaborates, sweeping his hand diagonally across his chest, making me realize he’s talking about Philip and the buttons on his satchel.

“Hilarious,” I mutter. “Not my type. He was just following me around.”

“Looked kind of like your type yesterday,” he mumbles, talking to his crab leg.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Shaking his head, he scoffs. “Nothing. Nevermind.”

What the hell is this about? “No. Tell me.”

Sighing, he tosses a shell down and picks up another one. It’s only now that I notice he’s got one of the linen napkins tucked into the collar of his T-shirt, using it as a bib. He’s wearing his boots with knee socks and camouflage cargo shorts. It will be a miracle that anyone on this ship thinks he’s gay or doesn’t mistake him for a maintenance worker. At least I haven’t seen his Dew Drop shirt make another appearance.

“You don’t have to lie to me or hide shit from me. I was just making conversation. If you don’t want to tell me about your hookup, just say, ‘Jesse, I don’t want to talk about the guys I hook up with’. It’s not that difficult. I’m a big boy. I can respect your boundaries.”

Is he for real? “This from the guy who followed me on a gay-only cruise after I told him I wanted some time to myself.”

“Oh, my gosh!” he groans to the ceiling. “Do you want me to leave the restaurant? I didn’t know you’d come in here. There’s like twenty other places to eat on this ship. How was I supposed to know which one you were going to eat at?”

“You’re completely missing the point,” I snipe, stabbing at my potatoes, hating that he’d actually give me space if I wanted to hook up with Philip. What do I expect? That he’d fight for me? “And what about you? Where areyournew friends?”

“Grandpas Walt and Darnell?” he asks, his face scrunching up.

Grandpas? Ew. I don’t even want to know if that was by request or if it’s Jesse’s description. “Mm. On a first-name basis with them already, are you?”

“Well, what else would I call them?” he laughs, making me feel like a jealous brat. “They’re super cool. They’re an old married couple on vacation, and they knew I was having a bad day, so they took me under their wing.”

“You told them you followed me here?” I gape. Did he seriously out himself and they still latched onto him?

“Yeah.” He shrugs, looking completely unfazed. “I just said we grew up together, and that I came along for moral support.”

“Wait. Do they know you’re straight?”

Frowning, he chews his lip and moves his food around with his fork. “No. I didn’t think that was important. I mean, it’s not like they asked or anything.”

“Oh, my God.”

“What?”

“You were getting a freaking back rub, Jesse,” I angry-whisper. “On agaycruise. From agay couple. They weren’t taking you under their wing; they were fluffing up your feathers.”

“Huh? What does that even mean?”

“I’m saying, be careful.”

“Be careful of what? Of getting good advice and compassion from two baby boomers? They shared their snacks with me and invited me to their cabin to play chess. What’s dangerous about crackers and chess?”

Pressing my palms to my ears, I pinch my eyes shut. Does he hear the shit coming out of his mouth? It’s like a bad retelling of Hansel and Gretel.

“Jesse… just do yourself a favor and stay away from them. Okay? There’s plenty of complimentary food included with the cruise. You don’t need snacks from two strange old guys who are clearly trying to lure you to their room.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Here we go—his indignant scoff, the kind where he gears up for one of his pouts.

“Lure? They didn’t lure me. They asked me in broad daylight.Politely, I might add,” he says testily, shoving a crab cake in his mouth. “But I declined because I didn’t want to impose on their couple’s vacation. And I was hungry and hadn’t scoped out the layout of the ship yet because I was looking for you, mistakenly thinking that my friend might be going through something right now and need his best friend nearby. They had crackers. They offered. I accepted. End of story. Geez. You make it sound like they want to cut out my kidney. First, you ghost me at home, now you’re picking on poor Walt and Darnell. I’m starting to think you have trust issues.”

I stare at him chewing like an angry baby for approximately thirty seconds, waiting to see if his lightbulb will come on before I can’t take it anymore. Ghost him. I didn’t ghost him. I… Fine. I fucking ghosted him, but that’s not what’s important right now.

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