Page 27 of The Idiot

When he frowns at me, my pulse skitters to a stop, wondering if he picked up on my dirty thoughts. “Are you nervous or something?” he asks.

“Why would I be nervous?” I laugh, unconvincingly.

Shit.Doeshe know I’m nervous?

“Well, it’s a gay cruise. Won’t it be a bunch of gay guys? I mean, have you ever been around that many gay guys before? Is it like a singles cruise or something, everyone checking you out and assessing you for yourdatability?”

Oh.That. That’swhat he meant.

“Um, pretty sure Gaytoberfest means it’s only gay guys. And, yeah, I think it’s kind of a mixer cruise, like… for people to meet other singles. At least, that’s how they advertised it.”

“And you can handle that? Being eyeballed like cattle?”

“It’s not a slaughterhouse. I’ll just… mingle and, if I hate it, I can hang out in my room.”

“Do they have, like, gay dating sites you could try before you board the Love Boat? Oh, wait… maybe you’ve done that already,” he trails off, looking embarrassed.

“Are you trying to talk me out of going?”

“No! I just wondered what made you choose a Gaytoberfest cruise.”

I hold up the transmission housing so he can drop parts into it. I realize he actually expects a response when he glances over at me.

Fine. If we’re adding open dialogue to our friendship, it has to start somewhere.

Shrugging, I direct my gaze to the tractor. “Beer and cock—not a hard decision.”

Wincing, I shift my gaze to his, not surprised by the shock I find. Except, it dissolves, and he cracks up, setting me on alert again.

“What?” I huff, preparing myself for another slight that he probably doesn’t realize is a slight.

“Actually, it sounds like it was aharddecision. Right?”

Oh, brother. Jesse making gay sex jokes. Scoffing, I pinch my eyes closed as my face heats. I fucking can’t. I cannot get out of here fast enough if he’s going to start talking about hard cocks.

“If this is you being supportive, just stop right now,” I plead. “I doubt I’ll meet anyone I can stand, anyway.”

“I was kidding, Baloney. Don’t be nervous. If some guy realizes only half of how great I think you are, he’ll fall at your feet.”

Was that supposed to be fucking helpful? His compliment has my skin tingling, but I didn’t miss how easily he’d throw me to the wolves. Why can’t he think I’m greatandlike cock? Is that too much to ask?

“I’m not that great,” I mutter, grateful that he has no idea the sentiment is coming from the well of rejection deep in my soul.

Scoffing, he shakes his head, his deft fingers covered in grease as he tears apart the transmission like a practiced surgeon. “Murph, you’re intelligent, kind, hilarious, patient, loyal, hard-working—you’re the best person I know, the best person I’lleverknow. If they don’t see that, they don’t deserve you.”

My breath locks up in my lungs as I stare at his profile and the earnestness of his expression. This is torture. Fucking torture. He picks right now to bust out his sweet side? Because Jesse is sweet, cotton-fucking-candy sweet when he’s not high on life, running a thousand miles an hour on chaos. I realize now it must be what hooked me, what tipped the scales from platonic love to hopes of forever that can never be.

I can’t wait two weeks to leave. It might very well kill me.

Glancing over at me, his eyes are like two crystal blue ponds, scanning my face. “What?” He laughs softly. “It’s true.”

Clearing my throat, I choke down the lump that’s threatening to bring me to tears and shove at his face with my palm. “Just fix the damn tractor. I’m not your type.”

I know I said it to lighten the mood, to evaporate the discomfort that’s looming here like a haze. The sound of his laughter, though, for once, doesn’t invigorate me. It splits the air like a chasm. I may not have lost him yet; he may still think he wants to be friends, but I know now for certain that we have an expiration date.

Why did I think I could just be the same old me around him and everything would go on as it always has? I’ll never know how to be immune to Jesse Carver now that I’ve stared at his goodness with eyes wide open.

CHAPTER 6

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