Page 21 of The Idiot

I think I just swallowed my tongue. At least, there’s air back in my lungs, albeit now I feel like I’m hyperventilating.

It was bad enough when I thought I’d lost my best friend. Now, I’m a dumb motherfucker who fell in love with the world’s straightest man and didn’t even realize it.

How freaking cliché is that? And how in the hell did Mom know, but I didn’t?

I’m suddenly annoyed with her again, like I was years ago, but for different reasons. They say ignorance is bliss, but she just stole mine with her unnerving intuition.

Tomorrow, I’m deleting every episode of Breathless. She’s officially watched too many soap operas.

CHAPTER 4

Jesse

The only thing worse than being shunned from Friend Island is being shunned from Friend Island while you’re surrounded by happy people. Pete and I legit just walked into Mom’s kitchen thirty seconds ago after finishing up the pick for the day and he’s on Cameron like a moth to a light. Wrapping his arms around him from behind, it’s a surreal sight to see my brother so over-the-moon for someone. Murmuring, giggling—they’re disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

I’m so happy for him it hurts.

Iwas disgusting three weeks ago when I had a best friend that spoke to me. Now, I’ve been demoted to the thumbs-up emoji the few times I’ve texted Murph since the café debacle. I miss being disgustingly happy.

What the hell is with the thumbs-up? How much time does he need before I get actual responses? I know he said he wanted some time apart, but it’s not like a text message is invading his personal bubble.

Sinking into one of the kitchen chairs, I drop my head in my hands. I’m never this tired after a day on the orchard. Ithink the stress of being in limbo with Murph is sapping me emotionally. If this keeps up, my will to live may be next.

Does he miss me as much as I miss him? We’ve never gone this long without seeing each other while we were in the same zip code. I still can’t figure out what I did wrong.

When I thought he was into rodeo, I bought him rodeo gifts. When he shot that theory out of the water with his confession about going to Seattle, I shifted gears and tried to bring a bit of Seattle to him by taking him to Un-bean-lievable.

Worst coffee ever, by the way. I got the shits so bad from that wheatgrass smoothie, it’s not even funny. Crap. I forgot I need to buy more toilet paper.

Whatever. The point is I tried my hardest, and I’m being punished both body and soul because of it.

I don’t get why he was so mad? I was trying to show him he can let me in on his life and his interests. I wore my best shirt to make more of an effort than I usually do, and he even turned his nose up at that. I don’t get it.

He said he goes to The Dew Drop to hang out with me, so I thought it’d be nice to take him somewhere that wouldn’t have as many distractions to return the compliment. I wanted to hang out, but he seemed like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. If I’d known he wanted a steak, I’d have bought him a steak. Anything. Geez!

Ugh. Men are so confusing.

Something nudges my chair, jostling my hands against my face. Peering up, I find Pete’s scrutinizing gaze looking down at me.

“Do I even want to know what’s wrong with you or is this an act?” he asks.

After thirty years, when I finally have Pete’s attention, the attention a big brothershouldgive a sweet, caring little brother, I realize I don’t want it. I’m not about to ask him what he’d think of my dilemma. If Murph hasn’t told anyone, I’m not going to fuck up what’s left of our friendship by diming him out.

“Miserable people problems,” I inform him, tracing a scratch on the wood surface of the table. “You wouldn’t understand.” A few weeks ago, he might have, but not now that he’s the happiest man on the planet since he met Cam.

“Good luck with that,” he mumbles carelessly.

Jerk.

At least Cam flashes me a sympathetic smile before they disappear through the doorway. Listening to their happy voices as they ascend the stairs to the second floor, my insides squirm with jealousy. If Pete, my grumpy-ass brother, can find happiness and learn how to navigate socializing with someone who’s gay, I should be able to as well. I’m personable and giving and affectionate and…

Aren’t I?

My mother’s form flits by my peripheral, wiping down the counter where she’s been teaching Cam her culinary skills on his and Pete’s weekend visits to the orchard. I don’t have to tell her what’s going on, but perhaps offering up some generalizations might provoke her motherly wisdom. I mean, who else knows me best besides Murph?

“Mom?”

“Hm?” she hums, glancing over her shoulder.

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