Page 11 of The Idiot

Nodding, I try to smile, but it’s only a flicker of one after everything that just went down. Still, it seems to be enough to reassure him. He lets out a breath and smiles, his shoulders relaxing.

Damn. Maybe everything will be okay, after all.

Nodding awkwardly, I pick up my burger. We eat in companionable silence for a while until the silence stretches. He flashes me little quirks of his mouth now and then when I glance over. Each one has my heart sinking and my cheeks heating. This feels like the start of the weirdness that I worried about my entire life.

By the time we make it back to the orchard, my chest is heavy like it hurts to breathe. He hasn’t said a fucking word other than commenting on lunch being good.

I knew this would happen. I fucking knew it. Everything is… broken. I just broke our friendship by finally admitting who I am. Maybe he was right. Our entire friendship was a lie.

When he pops Delores intoparknear my apple wagon, he flashes me another of those awkward smiles. Everything hurts. I didn’t know something other than an injury could hurt this badly. I’m mad at him for not getting it and sad that it’s partly my fault for not making him understand years ago. I waited too fucking long. I let him believe I was someone else for so many years that he can’t flip a switch and see that I’m still me. It feels like a limb has been ripped from my body, knowing that we’ve come to the end of an era.

Nodding, I open my door. “Thanks for lunch.”

“Do you want to hang out this weekend?” he asks, making me freeze when my feet touch the soil.

Does he mean it, or is it a pleasantry that won’t come to fruition? My pulse skips in hope, though, making me smile.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay. Cool. I’ll call you.”

Shutting the door, I watch as he turns around at the speed of a normal human being. And then I watch as he drives down the orchard lane to the road. My heart sinks the further away he gets.

Surrounded by my apple trees, alone, I realize it’s sometimes the unspoken things that speak the loudest. He said he was going to help me pick after lunch.

He’s not going to fucking call.

CHAPTER 2

Jesse

“‘Freaking out.’ I didnotfreak out. I was just… processing. First, my brother. Then, my best friend. Neither one of them told me. Doesn’t anyone trust me? I don’t get it. I mean, you think you’re close to someone. You think your entire history of conversations with them was accurate. You think you have this unbreakable bond, and thenpkhoo!Everything you thought you knew is blown to smithereens like your memory was wiped. Why didn’t they ever say anything? Okay… so, Pete never tells me anything, but still. He’s my brother. There’s supposed to be some kind of sibling code.

“Murph, though… that’s an entirely different story. We… we’re… well, he’s my boy. We’re supposed to tell each othereverything. Do you have any idea how many secrets I’ve told him over the years? Like that time when we were twelve, and I was jerking off to my mom’sGood Housekeepingmagazine, and she nearly walked in on me, and my zipper caught my… Fuck. I still have a zipper scar. Whatever. The point is—everything!I’ve told himeverything. Because that’s what best friends do. They’re…they’re your person. Does he not see me as his person?”

“Um…Jesse?” Cheri’s voice calls over the thump of Miley Cyrus’ ‘Party In the USA.’

Glancing up at the stage, I find her crouched down in front of me, frowning. The electric glow of the neon liquor signs illuminates a halo of fluorescent rainbow light behind her.

Shit.

Did I say all that out loud?

Pretty sure I didn’t say anything about anyone being gay or bisexual, so the super-duper secret-keepers in my life can continue to live more days in anonymity. You know what? Cheri’s not one to gossip, even if she did hear me. Maybe she can give me some advice to help me understand what it is I’ve done so wrong that the people closest to me don’t tell me things that are important to them.

“Yeah?” I ask, waiting for wisdom that might put me out of my misery.

“If you’re not going to watch, do you mind if I go on break?”

Break? Is she serious?

I just poured my heart out onto the stage bar and all she can think about is abandoning me? Do I haveanyfriends left in this world?

Kneeling, she rests her hands on top of her thighs and flashes me a guilty expression. “I’m sorry. I hate how dead it is on Sunday nights, and I can tell you’re going through something, but I was running late for work and missed lunch.”

How can she think of food at a time like this? My world is upside down, and I don’t know if I’m allowed to stand in it anymore. Murph looked so annoyed that I was surprised by his news. Like, really annoyed. I’ve never seen him like that. How could he expect me to not be surprised, though? We’ve beenfriends since we were little kids. He’s had literally every single day over two decades to tell me.

I don’t get why he said he didn’t think I could handle it. Who does he think I am? Did he think I wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore? Of course, I can handle it. What’s there to handle? You don’t abandon years of friendship just because someone doesn’t like the same things that you do. He listens to country music, and I’ve never kicked him out of Delores for crying out loud. There’s proof right there.

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