Page 102 of Shattered Hearts

“I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, and I thought I was for a long time, too. But if Ash could bribe a doctor to drug me up for no other reason than to keep my mouth shut, don’t you think other things about Quiet Meadows could be true? Clayton Black bribed the pilot of my parents’ plane to commit suicide. Anything is possible.”

“And the relationship we’ve built during the past eighteen months needs to pay for that? You know how difficult it is to establish a relationship with a therapist. Please don’t do anything you’ll regret. Even if Gage and Zane tell you it’s a good idea.”

“Did you know I was a patient at Quiet Meadows at the time?”

Shetsks. “Of course I did. Everyone did.”

“But did you see me? Consult with the doctor working for Ash? Dr. Pederson isn’t in prison, but maybe the investigators couldn’t find anything to charge him with.”

“Dr. Pederson was too busy leading clinical drug trials to treat bipolar disorder to concern himself about your proper treatment, Zarah. Your diagnosis wasn’t bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, which are Dr. Pederson’s specialties. There were other patients, and Quiet Meadows did important work, meaningful work, until the day it closed. Ashton Black misusedthose resources and a lot of people paid when Zane closed it down.”

I don’t need her to spell it out for me. Her tone is enough. Not everything is about me. “I understand.”

“How are you and Gage doing? Is everything all right?”

“We got into a fight about you this morning. He doesn’t want me to see you anymore. He says he wants me to make my own choices and decisions, but he wants me to do whatever he says. I told him he can’t have it both ways.” Suddenly, I blink away tears. “He blames me for Max’s death.”

“Did he say that? Remember what we talked about. It’s never a good idea to assume things.”

Shame heats my cheeks. “I goaded him. I told him when I had my breakdown you were there for me and he wasn’t. He said never to doubt how much he loves me, that he’d die for me. Max’s name hung between us. I didn’t need him to say it. I knew he was thinking it.”

“Zarah, I’ve kept my opinions mostly to myself regarding your relationship. I attempt to steer you in the right direction, and I realize, as a psychiatrist, that sometimes my patients will make mistakes. All I can do is try to turn those mistakes into lessons and pick up the pieces in our sessions. It can be a one step forward, two steps back process.”

“You don’t think me seeing Gage a good idea.”

“It’s not that I don’t think it’s a good idea.” She sighs and smooths out her skirt’s invisible wrinkles. “Do you remember when I was telling you that perhaps you should play the field, date a little before you decided to jump in? I still think that. You’ve fallen into a very serious relationship, very quickly. How do you know Gage is the right man for you if you haven’t dated? If you haven’t sampled what’s out there? You come to me for guidance—you didn’t let Zane and Gage bully you into stopping our sessions. So if you listen to any of my advice, anything atall, it would be to date other men.Make sureGage is who you want. Your relationship is still new and this would be the time to explore.”

“But—” I hate the idea. Even as what she says makes absolute perfect sense, I hate it. I love him...I’m madly in love with him.

“During our last session, do you remember how you cried on me because you don’t want him to leave you?”

I look away, embarrassed. “Yes.”

“That’s not healthy, Zarah. That imbalance of power in a relationship, it’s not healthy. If you want to be strong in a relationship, you have to be strong on your own first. Gage opened you up to having a safe and natural sexual relationship. It will only help your recovery to broaden your experiences—in bed and out.”

My skin crawls, thinking about having sex with anyone but Gage. I want to throw up, picturing him doing to someone else what we shared in the shower this morning, and I guess that’s where Jerricka is going with this. He’s had time to explore. I haven’t. Ash stole those years of play away and I should want them back.

His threat echoes in my mind, and I’ll be facing those consequences sooner than I ever thought. “Gage and I were intimate this morning without using birth control,” I confess.

Jerricka closes her eyes and rubs her forehead. “That was immature, of both of you. You can’t have forgotten how much medication you’re on. You’ll need to contact Dr. Reagan as soon as you leave my office and let him know. He’ll tell you if what you’re taking is safe for a fetus. I can tell you right now the medication I prescribed for you is not.”

“I’m on the shot. There’s a chance it started working.”

“I’m not an obstetrician or a gynecologist. You’ll need to consult your own physicians.” She stands, and her smile is forced and brittle. “I’m sorry, but this is all the time I can giveyou. I have other obligations I need to attend to. If you want to continue to see me, ask Susan to reschedule your sessions. I wiped out our standing appointments after your brother called me yesterday.”

“What about the medication you prescribed?” I would love to stop, but what she said during our last session still haunts me. I need to do all I can to move my recovery forward.

“Well, my dear, you seem to be determined to do things the way you want to do them. If you want to keep taking it, then I support that. If you don’t think it’s a benefit, you can stop. I don’t give up on many clients, Zarah, but you’ve been seeing me for quite some time and if you don’t trust my judgment by now, I doubt you ever will. You’re a grown woman who can think for herself. I’m happy to let you.”

My throat closes with tears. No one has ever told me they’ve given up on me before. “Happy New Year, Dr. Solis.”

“And to you. Good luck.” She opens her office door, and I gather my coat and jacket. I step into the hallway and she closes the door, the latch clicking softly, and I’m left alone.

I text Stella and tell her I’m not in the mood to shop after all. Even though it’s cold, I wander the city streets, the wind whipping at my hair. I find myself at the banks of the Renegade, the water moving swiftly, the color of mercury.

My phone dings. It’s Gage texting and asking me where I am and if I’m okay.

I don’t answer.

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