Page 86 of Shattered Hearts

Tears fill my eyes. “You’re right.”

“I know I am, and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you these hard truths, but I’m on your side. I want you to get better. Nothing would please me more than if you were well and never had to see me again. That won’t happen if you insist on being stubborn and immature.”

She stands, strides angrily across her office, and pick the pill bottle I gave her up off her desk. She unscrews the cap and fills a glass with water from the crystal pitcher that’s always sitting on the sideboard. “Swallow this. Now.”

I do. I have to. I struggle to gulp the water as sobs clog my throat. My hand shaking, I set the empty glass onto her desk. I fall into her arms, choking. “I don’t want him to leave me.”

“He will if you don’t start doing what I say. You have to help me help you.” She nudges me away and hands me a tissue. “Dry your eyes. People make mistakes and it’s important we learn from them. I want to start seeing you twice a week. I’ll have Susan set up your appointments to the end of February. I’m going to see you through this. I promise.” Holding my hand, she leads me to the couch and she sits close to me, our legs brushing. Her warm palm cups my cheek and sympathy fills her eyes. “Now tell me what else you have on your mind. We have a few minutes yet.”

I tell her about my visit to the gynecologist’s office for birth control and walking around Quiet Meadows. She stiffens when I say that, and I think twice about telling her what Gage and I found in the basement and how I relived part of what I experienced there, right in front of him. She’s already unhappy. She’s doing her best to help me, and I didn’t follow her instructions.

I don’t have time to tell her someone blew up Gage’s truck on New Year’s Day, and it’s just as well. I think our sessions now will be going back to my self-esteem, navigating my way in my relationships, and finding autonomy after so many years were kept from me.

I’m tired, and I feel like I took a massive step back in my recovery.

My hour’s up and she presses the bottle into my hand. “Every evening, Zarah. Text me if you need anything, day or night. I’m always available. I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She scribbles something on her tablet. “Susan will squeeze your extra appointments into my schedule. I’m glad you and Gage are having a satisfying sexual relationship. That’s a big step for you, as I said, but make sure you are also getting what you need from the intimacy. Have a good day. Talk soon.”

Her mind is already on other things before I’m even out the door. I mutter a goodbye and skip using the sitting room attached to Jerricka’s office. I don’t need the time to settle after facing my monsters.

This time the monsters are my own doing.

Douglas tries to talk to me on the way home, but I don’t respond and he falls silent. I feel bad. It’s not his fault I’m smarting from Jerricka’s reprimand. I deserved it for being stupid and selfish. How can I expect Gage to love me if I’m not doing every single thing I can to get better?

I scoot out of the car the second Douglas parks in front of the house, and I run to my room, not wanting Lucille to know I’m home. I text Gage a quick message that I’m safe, but the message only says delivered, not read. He didn’t tell me what he was doing today. For all I know, he could be seeing that woman who works at the café.

I have to stop that. This is no time for a pity party.

Alone and trying not to gag, I swallow my usual dose of poison, used to Ingrid rubbing my back and murmuring sympathetically. I’m glad she’s okay and found another job, but I’ll need time get over the way she left. I stand under a hot shower and try to relax. I’m tender and swollen, thinking about my lovemaking session with Gage this morning. I woke up alone, lonely, and aroused. I made him happy, initiating sex.

My fingers find my clit as the water streams over me, and I prop my foot on the edge of the shower stall. Did I initiate sex for him or for me?

Whenever we make love, Gage wants me to feel good, too, and I always orgasm. He never takes without giving. The time he spooned me while we made love was so sweet. My clit quivers as I think about him molding me to his chest, filling me to the brim, and I pretend my fingers are his. He’s cupping my breast, lightly squeezing my nipple while his fingertip gently circles my clit. My muscles clench his cock. He’s consuming me, and I love him for it.

I finish, my legs shaking. Unsteady, I sink to the floor of the shower and rest my forehead on my knees, but I don’t let myself cry. There’s nothing to cry about. I’ll do what Jerricka says to get better. Gage loves me. Zane and I are doing well, and I’ll always have Stella.

My life is simple, yet it’s full of all I need to be happy.

I blink back tears and rinse the conditioner out of my hair. I’m wrapped in a robe and lying in bed when Stella lets herselfinto my room. She’s dressed casually in lounging pants and a tank top, normal attire on a day she doesn’t plan to drive into the city.

“Hey,” she says, her voice soft. “Are you okay? Gage texted me you were back. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I had a session with Jerricka this morning.”

She sits on my bed and leans her cheek against the padded headboard. “How did it go?”

I sigh and tell her the truth. “She accused me of not doing my best to get better.”

Stella blanches. “Why would she say that?”

I’m too embarrassed to admit I stopped taking a medication prescribed to me. She’ll tell Zane and he’ll hire another companion to watch me. “She thinks Gage and I are going too fast.” I lie, just to have something to say.

I’ve never lied to Stella before. Well, I never told her Ash was selling me, but that’s entirely different. I was protecting her. The lie I just told her protects only myself.

“Do you think that?”

“Maybe, but if I think about not seeing him so much, I panic. I need him, and it scares me.” That’s the truth.

“I know it does. What I feel for Zane scares me, too, but Gage isn’t your whole world and Zane isn’t mine. You have your brother, Lucille, and Douglas, and they love you and will always watch over you. It might feel like the world will end if you and Gage ever break up, but it won’t be. You have a life. Gage is supposed to add to it, not replace it. If something ever happens between Zane and me, I promise you, we will always be sisters and best friends. We were friends before you introduced me to your brother, remember?”

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