Page 47 of Shattered Hearts

“I looked like a stark-raving lunatic. I was so scared for Stella, and my brother...I hated him. Nothing was his fault, but I blamed everything on him. For being weak after Mom and Dad died. That wasn’t fair, but little did I know Zane’s trust would let Ash do whatever he wanted.”

Gage kneels near me, and the coffee drips, the rumbling of the machine comforting. “But you never wanted to hurt yourself.”

“No. All I’ve wanted since Zane brought me home is to get better. Now my doctor’s pulling back and I don’t know what’s going to happen. That girl, how did she do it?”

“Slit her wrists.”

I trace the inside of my arm. How would it feel to not be on this earth anymore? Not to be a burden to those I love? Zaneand Stella could finally have their family, and Gage would marry a woman who could give him what he needs. I couldn’t use pills. I’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime, and I’m too scared of pain to cut myself. Wander off in the woods? If I went missing, Stella and Zane would worry and send the dogs out to search for me and they’d find me in five seconds. I wouldn’t be able to hide and let myself freeze to death.

I sigh. “I can’t think of how I’d do it. I guess you’re stuck with me.”

“You can’t let Black have the satisfaction. You’re better than that.”

“Maybe.”

“No. He tried to rob you of so many things, but you’re going to get through this, Zarah. You’ll live your life, have your family, take everything he tried to steal from you, while he rots in prison, a victim of his own greed.”

Gage paints a lovely picture, but every second I struggle to put the pieces of my life back together is another second that Ash still wins.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s have a cup of coffee and some of that dessert. I have a full day ahead of me, and I need to go to bed soon.”

My day looms empty, another twenty-four hours of not working, not doing anything except hoping my memory stays intact enough I can fake my way through. Hide in my room or take the dogs on a hike. Putter around the kitchen or clean the house. Do laundry. I don’t have many options even if Stella’s home. “Can you drop me off at Zane’s office in the morning? He’ll order a car to drive me to the house.”

“Sure. That’s works because one of these days I’m going to need to talk to you about the time I’m spending on the road.”

We sit at the table, and I’m polite and cut into my giant éclair using a knife and fork, the vanilla pudding oozing out the side.“You don’t have to drive me. We have a car service and I can use them whenever I need to go somewhere.”

“I know, but if you order a car, then you’re not with me, and I’m really fucking nervous when you’re not.” He tries to smile.

“I can’t be on my own. I know that. I hate it, but I know it. It won’t be forever. Dr. Reagan’s trying to figure out what’s going on, and I start seeing Jerricka again next week. Maybe something triggered me.”

Gage pushes his plate away, his éclair uneaten. “Me, you mean.”

“No, I didn’t. It could have been anything. I’m not scared to stay here tonight. I wouldn’t have said I wanted to if I felt that way.”

“I would never hurt you. That explosion came out of left field, and we’re going to find out who did it, with or without the cops’ help.”

“I know. Let’s go to bed. You’re getting strung out over nothing.”

“I’m trying not to. I just hate the uncertainty of it.”

“Youdo?” I quirk my lips. “This is my life.”

“You are brave, and I love you.” Gage kisses my forehead, and we clean up our uneaten desserts.

We share the bathroom, brushing our teeth, and while he’s letting Baby out for her last pee break of the night, I grab the prescription Jerricka gave me out of my purse. I didn’t take it last night, like she said, and I’m reluctant now. I’m already on so many medications, and even if Zane and my doctor okayed this one, I hate putting another pill into my body.

I drop the bottle back into my bag. What will it hurt to skip it? She said it was supposed to sharpen my mind, help me think clearly, but it seems it did the opposite. I’m seeing her next week and I’ll talk to her about it then. I haven’t been on it long enoughto worry about withdrawals, and after I hang my purse up in the front closet, I don’t think about it again.

Gage wakes me in the middle of the night to make love, and I fully participate. It will be nice, like Stella said, once my shot starts working, not to have little foil packets interrupting our rhythm. If I can take any part of my life back, I do so, gladly.

I fall to sleep in his arms, and I don’t wake up until Baby bounces on the bed, welcoming in a new day.

Gage drops me off early, and I’m walking into Zane’s office by eight. He’s not in yet, but Peggy is. “He’ll be along. He called and told me he’d be on time for his eight-thirty.”

“Thanks, Peggy. We appreciate you.”

I hate to admit it, but I say it by rote. I don’t know Peggy well. I only know that Zane believed Stella ran off with Sergio Cardello and hired the older woman out of spite. She turned into a good assistant, and Zane never mentioned letting her go.

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