Page 30 of Shattered Hearts

Moaning softly, Gage takes me again and promises himself to me over and over.

This is what real lovemaking is. Two bodies, two hearts, tangled together.

My fear is gone, and I hug him closer, my hand to his ass, encouraging him to go deeper, take me deeper, harder, because I know nothing he’ll do will hurt me.

He’s shown me what physical love is. We’re two halves of a whole, and maybe now, maybe, I can find some peace.

It only lasts until I wake, lying in his arms, and his dog peers over the side of the bed. Her tongue lolls, her blue eyes bright with joy, but I can’t remember her name, and the fear I managed to push away while Gage and I made love returns in full force.

The dog jumps onto the bed, and Gage shoos her off, grumbling good-naturedly about having to go potty and lunchtime for mutts and humans.

I swallow back tears and roll onto my side so we’re spooning. His cock is unsheathed and limp, pressed against my butt.

I dredge up the courage from somewhere. From a place where I want what’s best for Gage, where my problems won’t hurt him or mess up his future. He deserves a wife who isn’t going crazy, whose every second isn’t plagued by fear and uncertainty.

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

He stiffens, his arm around my waist tightening his hold on me. “Because we made love? Did I hurt you?”

I could say yes, and then it would be done. Say I wasn’t ready, that I felt pressured and don’t want to see him anymore, but I can’t hurt him that way. From our first walk in the woods and our first kiss up until this very second, he’s done all he could tonot let physical intimacy hurt me and we would never be able to come back to this place if I told that kind of lie.

“No.” I kiss his arm, letting my lips linger against his ink.

He lifts onto an elbow and pushes me onto my back. “Then you’re going to have to explain a comment like that.”

“I’m getting worse. When I woke up, I couldn’t remember your dog’s name, and I still can’t. It’s there, like a word on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t get it out. I don’t know it. Names and dates and plans. I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t find the bathroom. It’s like I don’t live in my own house. I want to go into the woods, but I’m afraid I’ll get lost. Douglas and I don’t listen to audiobooks anymore...I can’t follow the plot of the simplest story. I don’t know what my favorite food is or what my middle name is. I’m losing my mind, Gage. Literally losing everything in my mind to big dark holes of nothing.”

“And you want to break up.”

“You deserve more.”

“Then you should let me decide.”

“What if I don’t want to see you anymore?”

“That’s different. You don’t get to make choices on my behalf. You’re tired of people doing it to you, and I’m not going to let you do it to me. If you want to break up, then you make that choice for you. Not for me.”

“I’m not getting better.”

“We’ll figure it out. There are thousands of women who live full lives despite having a mental illness. I have no idea how many are married, but some of them are. I can’t lie to you, it will be hard, Zarah. Loving you is hard because all I want is for you to get better, and I might have to come to terms with the fact you can’t. You have no idea how long I’ve thought about this, but I love you, and nothing will change that. I can’t stop. Not for me, not for you, not for Zane. I love you. Maybe we can’t ever get married. Maybe we can’t ever have children—”

I sit up in alarm. “What do you mean, we can’t get married?”

He sits up too, and says, “If you can’t get better, we’ll have to think about what that means for us. I don’t want our marriage to look like I’m taking advantage of you. You need a clear mind so when you sign our certificate, everyone knows you went into our marriage understanding what it entails.”

“Oh. You’re looking out for yourself.” This disappoints me on so many levels, and I look away toward the window. I catch a slice of blue sky through the cracks of the blinds.

Gripping my jaw, he forces me to meet his gaze. “No. I’m looking out for you. I want you even if we can’t get married. People commit to each other all the time without making it legal. We’ll work it out.”

“Why go through all that?”

“Aren’t you listening? Because I love you.”

I push at his shoulders. “Then love somebody else.”

He grabs a condom packet out the drawer and rips it open. The noise sends shivers through my body, and I’m wet, already anticipating what he’s going to do to me. Never breaking eye contact, he rolls the condom onto his cock and shoves me onto my back. He traps my hands above my head and grips my ass, the tip of his cock poised, ready to claim me.

The look in his eyes is hard and determined.

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