Page 24 of Shattered Hearts

I don’t check my phone until I drop Pop off and I’m home, tossing my keys and wallet onto the little table near the door.

Zarah texted me while I was speaking to Rourke.

I love you, Gage, but sometimes things aren’t meant to be. If we’re one of those things, don’t be sad. You’ve taught me so much, shown me so much, that I’ll never regret letting myself fall in love with you. I’m sorry. I’m a little melancholy tonight. See you tomorrow. I’ll have Douglas drop me off at your apartment around noon. If that isn’t good for you, call me. Happy New Year.

It’s eerie she sent me that at the exact moment Rourke was warning me off her. Like she could feel the vibes. I’m never giving up on her. The only thing that would make me walk away is if she recovers and doesn’t want me anymore, and the possibility of her recovery seems less and less likely.

I would trade us, trade our future, if she could one day look at me with clear eyes and tell me that she doesn’t want the life I want to give her.

I would trade us, because that’s what you do when you love someone as much I love Zarah.

CHAPTER FOUR

Zarah

Ididn’t want to see Gage last night. I didn’t have any plans, but I didn’t want to look into his eyes while he wished me a Happy New Year. What do I have to look forward to? Another year of therapy, another year of drugs. Another year of tests and God knows what because I used to be on track, things used to be going in the right direction for a change, and now I’m slipping, my reality is slipping, and I don’t know what to do.

I roll onto my side and press my cheek into my pillow. Tears drip into the pillowcase.

If I was brave, I would break it off today. Tell him there’s no point in us seeing each other anymore. I have nothing to offer. Maybe I thought I did, before my thoughts started turning into jelly, before I couldn’t remember what I did ten minutes ago.

I’m scared, but I’m too scared to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore. He’s my last remaining grip on what’s real. His love is real, and I see it when I look into his eyes.

What does he see when he looks into mine?

I’m empty, and that’s how I feel, dependent on drugs I don’t want, living in a house that belongs to my brother because I can’t live alone.

Ingrid came in to check on me earlier, to see if I was awake, and I couldn’t remember her name. Lucille, the dogs, names are a jumble of letters like alphabet soup spilled onto the floor.

I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.

Until I turn truly crazy.

Quiet Meadows crazy.

What kind of cage will Zane lock me up in if he can’t take care of me anymore?

Quiet Meadows is gone, but the screaming coming from the rooms still vibrates in my skull. My screams, screams of the other patients.

I try to block them out, bury my head under a blanket, hide in my closet, rocking against the pain of the shrieks piercing my brain, but I can’t get rid of them.

There’s nowhere to hide. They will always be a part of me.

I should let him go. One day I’ll disappear inside my head where I won’t know anyone or anything.

My phone’s laying on my nightstand, and I’m so grateful Stella was able to convince Zane to give it back to me. She stands up to him in a way I’ve never been able to, not even as his sister. Sitting up, I wipe the tears off my cheeks. I don’t need to be a victim. Rolling over and letting life kick me hasn’t been my way or I never would have made it this far.

I text Jerricka. She’s my only hope, my lifeline.

I’m sorry to bother you on New Year’s Day, but you have to help me. I’m losing my memory, and I’m so scared. Please, what can I do? When can I see you?

I shudder, waiting for her response, and it’s only a minute, God bless her, until she texts me back.

Stay calm. This could be the result of any number of things. Are you still taking the pills I prescribed before Thanksgiving?

Yes.My fingers tremble as I type.

You could be having a reaction to the new drug introduced into your system. Skip tonight and see how you feel in the morning. If you feel better, take it tomorrow night, and then every other night. Perhaps the dosage is too strong. I’m resuming appointments next week and I’ll see you at your regular session. Do you have plans today?

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