Page 103 of Shattered Hearts

He can do better than me. Even all my money doesn’t turn me into a person who’s good enough for him. I should tell him now, but I’ll wait until after Zane and Stella say their vows. Gage said he’d be a witness on their certificate. I thought it romantic but now all he’ll be is someone I used to know, a name scrawled on a piece of paper. Even though I fought Jerricka’s advice, she’s right. I should date other people. The only reason I didn’t beforeis because despite saying he supported me spreading my wings, I was afraid Gage would do the same thing and find somebody else. He said he’d wait for me and he probably would have, but we weren’t at the point in our relationship we’re at now and when I tell him I want to date other people, I won’t get the same response. He won’t wait while I figure myself out. He’ll move on.

Dating Gage was a mistake. I wasn’t happy alone, and I thought he would make me happy. He does, as part of a couple, but alone, I’m still miserable, anxious, and scared. I take more than I give.

I stand until I’m frozen, my fingers tingling in the cold, the tip of my nose numb, and I text Stella and let her know I’m going to the penthouse. I could ask her not to say anything, but she wouldn’t keep the information to herself if anyone asked. I stress I want to be alone and hope she takes the hint. She sends me a couple of heart emojis in response and lets me be. I can always count on Stella to understand what I need.

The Sweet Apple is busy when I walk by and I’m tempted to go inside and order food, but the penthouse will be stocked and the allure of one of their pasta dishes isn’t enough to tempt me to face all those people. I walk by, linger at a storefront displaying lingerie for Valentine’s Day. That’s going to be another lonely day. Zane and Stella will go out to celebrate their first holiday as a married couple. When I encouraged them to finally get married, I didn’t consider what that would do to my place in their lives. I’ll feel even more of an outsider than I do now.

Am I well enough to live on my own? Can I after another adjustment of my medication? I could live in the penthouse. Zane would possibly allow it since he works in the same building and he’d have regular access to check on me.

It’s an option, but I don’t know what I would do with my time if I moved there. Mom always had a mission, a task, a goal. She didn’t let our money cushion her. I could go to school, enroll insome online classes. Jerricka encouraged me to go in person, but I’m not ready for that.

The sun peeks through the clouds, and I turn around, the hair rising on the back of my neck. I feel like someone is watching me, but I search the crowded sidewalk and don’t see anything suspicious. Squinting, I turn my eyes to the buildings looming above me, picturing a man dressed in black holding a rifle. This isn’t far from where Ash tried to kill Stella.

There’s no reason anyone wants me dead—at least, I don’t think so. Gage didn’t tell me if he found out anything more about someone blowing up his truck. I haven’t thought about it, my personal issues taking up more headspace. Maybe Ash really does have someone following me, keeping tabs on me. I have no idea why he would. He never loved me, only took a sick pleasure in controlling me.

Maybe I’m so messed up I shouldn’t be dating anybody. Maybe I’m better off alone.

Several people greet me on the way inside the building. I try to smile and engage in the small talk expected of me. They’re our employees, after all, and I need to make a good impression. At the security desk, I ask for the code for the private lift. I could have texted Zane, but I don’t want him to know I’m here. He’ll stop working and I don’t want to interrupt anything important.

When I’m upstairs, I check my phone. Gage messaged me two more times. That was half an hour ago. I guess by now he messaged Stella, and she told him to leave me alone.

I text him,I’m fine, just need some time,and I add a heart so he knows I’m not mad at him. I’m not, not really. Not mad in a way he thinks I would be mad. Maybe...downtrodden is a good word for how I feel right now. I’m a disappointment to everyone around me. No matter what I do, it’s never the right choice.

Three dots waver, indicating he’s typing. They blink for a long time, but only a heart pops up and I know he deletedwhatever it was he was going to say. It could have been an apology for walking out on me this morning, or an accusation because I provoked him to do it. Or maybe he wants to talk about what we did in the shower and those fucking consequences he made sure I knew about before spurting inside me.

I’m not worried he made me pregnant. If he did, I can truthfully say I’m not ready to be a mother. There are clinics that can remedy my situation. He wouldn’t even have to know.

In my room, I change into a pair of pajamas and crawl into bed. It’s only when I have my comforter wrapped around me that I let the tears come. I don’t know what I’m crying about. Gage? Our impossible relationship? What Jerricka said to me? My whole life? If I had to guess, it would be a combination of all of it. I hadn’t followed her directions and didn’t take the medication she prescribed me. I gave Gage permission to be careless. What hurt wasn’t what Jerricka said, it was the honesty behind the words. I want to be treated like an adult, then I act like a kid.

My phone chimes, and Gage’s name lights up my screen. I send his call to voicemail. He tries again and I send that call to voicemail too, then shut my phone off. I don’t want to talk. I already told him I’m fine, and that’s enough. Maybe he’ll get the hint and dump me. Then I won’t have to do it after Zane and Stella’s wedding.

My old room comforts me. Not much, but a little. I pretend that Lucille’s in the kitchen, that Mom and Dad are down the hallway laughing. That Zane is in his room talking to a girl on the phone.

I miss my family. Who we were before the Blacks destroyed us.

Who I was before Ash destroyedme.

That young girl, she would have found her place. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up and I still don’t, butback then I had a better chance of figuring it out than I do now. Now I’m a crumpled up tissue no one wants.

My stomach grumbles, but that would require getting up and snooping around the kitchen. I don’t have the energy for that, and I drift off to a sick and empty feeling.

When I crack my eyes open, the sun’s set and Zane’s lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. He left my door open and a dim light shines in from the hallway. His jaw is covered in whiskers, and his tie is loose around his neck.

“What are you doing here?”

“Stella told me you were here and I wanted to check on you before I went home. What’s up?”

He asks casually, rolling over onto his side and stuffing a pillow under his head. He looks tired, like he could fall asleep right here and sleep all night. He has so much on his mind, and I just add to it.

“I needed to be alone for a while.”

“Do you want me to go?”

I shake my head the best I can against my pillow. “I wish you’d talk to me. You fired Jerricka without asking me, and I bitched Gage out for it. If you had concerns about me seeing her, you should have told me.”

“I’m sorry. What Iona Belsely told us scared me and I wanted to cut ties between you and her as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to wait, and that was wrong. Do you want to keep seeing her? I wish you wouldn’t. She’s too close to Quiet Meadows, and I really don’t feel good about it.”

“She’s been connected to Quiet Meadows for the past year and a half she’s been my therapist. What’s the difference?”

---