Page 56 of The Accidental Honeymoon

I want to argue. I want to remind him that this isn’t a real honeymoon, that we’re just playing a part. But he’s right. Despite myself, I am having fun.

“Don’t get too cocky.” My words lack any bite. “We still have the rest of the safari to survive.”

He extends a hand. For a moment, I hesitate. My practical side screams at me to pull back.He’s just doing this for show, right?But the warmth of his fingers against mine quiets that voice.

“Onward, then.” He leads me deeper into the cave.

As we arrive in another cavern, the new scene comes into focus. It reveals woodland animals with garish, fluorescent mullets striking exaggerated celebrity-style poses. A beaver with a guitar grins with oversized front teeth. A squirrel with pouty lips vamps in a red dress. An owl with oversized glasses peers down from a tree with a knowing smirk.

Jay stops in his tracks and I nearly run into him. "Noway." His voice is almost reverent. "It’s a celebrity who’s who of the animal kingdom."

I peek around him, taking in the absurdity. "Are those... pun names?"

He points at each one. "Justin Beaver, Squirrel Johansson, Woodchuck Norris... This is brilliant."

I roll my eyes, though a tiny part of me agrees. It’s so over-the-top that it circles back around to clever. "I think 'brilliant' might be a stretch."

He turns around and starts walking backward, his face lit up with childlike glee. "Come on, you have to appreciate the craftsmanship. Look at Hedgehugh Jackman. They even got the sideburns right."

I glance over. Sure enough, the hedgehog’s spiky hair is styled into perfect little mutton chops. My lips twitch, threatening to form a smile. I force them into a straight line. "It’s definitely... something."

Jay doesn’t let my lack of enthusiasm deter him. "And there’s Meryl Streepowl. You can see the wisdom in her eyes. And Brad Chipmunk… just look at those cheekbones!"

I follow his gaze, taking in each ridiculous creature. The names and faces are so on-the-nose that it’s impossible not to recognize them. A deer with a soulful expression that can only be Forest Whitdeer. An otter with a punk rock sneer that screams Otter Lavigne. Every diorama is a parody, each one more ludicrous than the last.

"Do you think they had a focus group for this? Like, sat a bunch of people down and asked, 'Which animal best embodies the essence of Leonardo DiCapriowl?'"

Jay laughs. "I hope so. I like to think there was a big debate over whether to make him a raccoon or an owl."

"The owl was definitely the right choice."

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you saying you approve?"

"I’m saying I can see the logic behind it." I try to sound nonchalant. "Owls have that wise, enduring quality. It’s a natural fit."

Jay’s narration becomes more animated as we walk slowly from scene to scene. "Here we see Lynx Hemsworth in his natural habitat, flexing for the camera. And over there, Reese Witherpaws, clutching her tiny golden acorn." He’s like a kid at Christmas. I’m starting to feel a warmth in my chest that I’m not entirely comfortable with. It’s nice, this side of him. Unpretentious. Real.

"And who could forget Emma Stoat?" His tone is filled with exaggerated awe. "Her range is incredible. She can play any role, from a weasel to a ferret." I let out a snort and quickly cover my mouth with my hand. He eyes me triumphantly. "Did you just laugh?"

"No." I try to deny it, but it’s too late. The smile has taken over my face, and I can’t fight it anymore.

He stops and puts a hand on his chest as if wounded. "Calla Rustin, laughing at something so lowbrow? I must be dreaming."

"Don’t get used to it," I chide, but my voice is playful. The tension in my shoulders has melted away, and for the first time today, I feel... happy.

We reach the end of the celebrity animal gauntlet. I take one last look over my shoulder. "Is that... Cardi Bee?" I ask, spotting a bee with oversized sunglasses and a microphone we’d somehow missed.

Jay follows my gaze and bursts out laughing. "Now that’s just too much."

I shake my head, still smiling. "Yeah.That’swhat’s too much."

We stand there for a moment. The ridiculousness washes over us, filling the spacewith something light and unspoken. I realize I’m not in a hurry to move on. I’m actually enjoying this pause, this breath of silliness in the middle of our contrived honeymoon.

"Ready for the next chapter?" Jay’s voice is soft as he holds out his hand.

I look at his hand, then at his face. The cameras are far enough away that they can’t catch the details, but close enough that we still need to play our parts. At least, that’s what I tell myself as I take his hand in mine. "Let’s do it."

We round a corner, leaving the neon mullets behind. "You’re going to love this,” Jay promises. His tone is conspiratorial.

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