Page 62 of Still Falling for You

‘He’s going to be fine. He’s back home.’ I bet she knows this already.

‘I’m glad to hear that.’ She sounds genuine despite the stilted air between us.

‘So how long have you been seeing each other?’ I ask carefully. Even though she’s not my boss right now, she’s a woman my best friend has been dating. I feel awful about how consumed I’ve been with my problems to not know this fact.

‘Since we met at the restaurant. After you left, we got talking,’ Jane offers, and a sweet smile pulls on her lips.

‘I’m glad she’s seeing somebody nice for once,’ I admit, because no matter how I feel about Alex, Jane is great.

‘Holly.’ She opens her mouth and then snaps it shut like something is preventing her from speaking freely.

Lydia plonks three cups of coffee on the glass surface. ‘So, have you told her?’ she asks without preamble.

‘Lydia,’ Jane interjects.

I’m an elastic band stretched so far, I’m about to snap. My gaze keeps switching between her and Jane, waiting to see who’s going to tell me what’s going on here.

‘It’s not my place,’ Jane protests and pretends to sip her coffee, even though I know for a fact it’s scalding hot because I’ve just burnt my tongue on it.

‘Not getting involved at this point is not helping. You told me yesterday on the phone that Alex is a mess.’ At the mention of Alex, I blink.

‘If you don’t say anything, I will,’ Lydia threatens and Jane exhales.

She abandons her coffee and faces me fully. ‘I have a hunch you’re a nice person, Holly.’

‘Of course she is.’ Lydia jumps in, and Jane shushes her. ‘I’m usually right about these things. It’s not my business to butt into what happened, or what you think happened, between you two ten years ago. Just know that Alex is a good guy. One of the best, and if I was interested in men, which I’m not’ – at this point she flashes an enamoured gaze towards Lydia – ‘I’d be all over him. He’s just not the best at communicating his intentions, but his actions speak for themselves.’

‘What did you mean by what I think happened ten years ago? What has that got to do with this? He made it clear that he didn’t want me, and that we were a mistake.’ If I wasn’t so bewildered, I’d be mortified right now at spilling the most embarrassing parts of my private life to my boss.

‘Is that what he said?’ Jane scoffs. ‘That’s just typical Alex. He always runs away from his feelings. He’s besotted with you.’ She mutters,he’s going to kill me for this later.

‘What happened ten years ago, Jane?’ I insist. A strange feeling starts bubbling in my chest.

‘He wasn’t a willing participant.’ Jane’s tone is regretful.

‘What?’ My breath hitches.

‘That friend of yours, Vicky, she chased him, messaged him and called him. She wouldn’t stop. I understand that on that night she threw herself at him and didn’t care much about Alex saying no,’ Jane explains, and Lydia makes a disgruntled sound.

It feels like someone has thrust my head in a beam clamp and is slowly tightening the screw. ‘What?’ I repeat, my voice a faint echo.

‘I’ve already said too much. I should go, but you should speak to Alex.’ She looks apologetically at the stupefied Lydia. Judging by my best friend’s expression, she didn’t know the full extent of things.

They both head to the door, leaving me to my rampaging thoughts. Alex did nothing wrong. At the idea of Vicky launching herself at him, I feel queasy. He wanted to tell me, and I let him down. He called me straight after, and the first thing I did was kiss some guy to make him jealous. I’ve never deserved Alex.

‘Fuck. I’ll fucking punch that sleaze in the windpipe if I ever see her again,’ Lydia shouts when she comes back and sits heavily next to me on the sofa.

I’m unable to stay sitting so I stand up and start pacing. Long moments pass, but my head is no clearer.

‘You’re worrying me. Say something,’ Lydia urges from behind me.

I stop pacing, desperation making my words uneven. ‘What do I do now? I’ve screwed up everything. I’ve hurt him. I haven’t trusted him when he needed me to. When he wanted to tell me and called me, I kissed some random guy. No surprise he feels now like he can’t trust me. I’m not a very trustworthy person in his eyes. I’m such an awful person.’

‘Hey.’ Lydia grips my shoulders, and the gesture grounds me. ‘Stop there. You’ve made some bad decisions based on misinformation. You’re not a bad person and you deserve to be happy. Fuck me, this is your epic love.’

I start crying. ‘I said some horrible things to him on Friday.’

‘Yes, you did, but so did he. I bet he’s feeling terrible. You’re like some cheesy, star-crossed lovers, kept apart by misunderstanding and poor communication. I can justify the bad communication ten years ago when you were teenagers, but now you have no excuse. Go and talk to him. Spell it out to him how you feel because he obviously needs it. Men always do.’

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