Page 56 of Still Falling for You

After I unzip his trousers, I reach into his boxers. But a moment later, his hand shoots from nowhere and stops me mid-movement. His breathing is ragged above me, and he looks agitated. Closing his eyes, he swallows hard. His reactionsurprises me so much I freeze.

‘Have I done something wrong?’ I whisper, searching his face a bare inch above me. His expression shuts down like he’s retreated into himself again, the door closing. When he opens his eyes again, they’re distant.

My phone starts buzzing on the floor and breaks whatever was left of the electric atmosphere between us.

He pushes off me and sits up, turning away from me and in the direction of the phone. It keeps buzzing and whoever’s calling is persistent. Alex’s back stiffens. I lean over his shoulder to find out who’s calling and wince. On the cracked screen, it readsVicky.

‘I can’t do this. I thought I could do this, but I can’t.’ Alex mutters like he’s speaking to himself. ‘I need to go. This was a mistake.’ He starts hastily collecting his clothes like he can’t wait to be out of here. It makes me feel cheap and unwanted. It’s such a sudden change my head is spinning.

‘What?’ I quickly grab the dressing gown that’s hanging on the chair by the bed and follow him into the lounge. I pluck the phone from the floor, but Vicky hung up. Not that I was ready to pick up. I abandon it on the breakfast bar.

He puts his own phone into the pocket of his trousers and when he finally turns around, his face is made of steel. ‘I have to go,’ he repeats in an expressionless tone. I hate it.

‘Stop being like this. Is this some twisted game of yours?’ I say louder than I expected, but I can’t stop myself. I don’t do drama. I don’t shout, but everything is breaking inside me. Again. He doesn’t say anything, which enrages me further.

I jab his chest with my finger, and he takes a step back. ‘You don’t get to pretend it’s all my fault this time. I’m done with you breaking me.’ His expression turns confused. ‘I’m done with you turning me on and off like a switch. To see what I’ll do. Do you like these power games? Is that what turns you on? You haven’t changed that much after all. But I’m done.’ This time Iknow it’s true; there’s no more chances. I step away, and it’s his turn to invade my space this time.

His lips are a bare centimetre from mine, and yet, we are as far from kissing as we’ve ever been. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ His knuckles gripping his coat turn white.

‘I don’t? I think you secretly like this. Making me crawl to you so you get the upper hand. That’s what it was ten years ago, wasn’t it?’

Before he responds, his eyes fly towards my buzzing phone. This time, John’s name flashes on the display. I suppress an eye-roll; this is the worst timing possible. The news of my dad must have reached him. Alex turns grey, and he stumbles like the phone has burnt him.

‘You’re one to talk. Looking so innocent in your buttoned-up dresses and patent shoes, Miss Righteous. Despite your pretence, you are no better than others. All you do is play with other people’s feelings, and when you get bored of them, you discard them like they are no better than single-use plastic.’ He looks at me with so much scorn it makes me flinch. ‘That’s what you did then and that’s what you still do. I can’t ever trust you. After all, I’m just aworthless waste of space, aren’t I? How long would it take you this time to get bored of me?’

He grabs his car keys. I’m so shocked by his accusations, I have no comeback. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I feel like I’m missing some vital piece of information.

He reaches the door, but before he opens it, he spins around. ‘Are you sleeping with him?’ Utter confusion must show on my face because he adds grudgingly, ‘John. Are you sleeping with him?’ He’s back to the person he was when I saw him for the first time after ten years. I hate that guy.

I don’t deign to answer his question. ‘Leave.’ His lips pursed, and he waits like he thinks I’m actually going to answer. ‘Should I draw you a plan for how to get to the door? I know you like to be organised.’

He blinks wildly like he’s just woken up from a daze. ‘You never gave me a chance.’

At least he has the decency to close the door soundlessly behind him. Once he’s gone, deafening silence presses against my ears almost painfully. I slump to the floor. Tears start running down my cheek for the second time today. I pull my knees to my chin and wrap my arms around my legs as I let go.

With unequivocal certainty, I know that my heart has just been broken. I know this because my chest feels like it’s made entirely of glass shards. When I breathe, they are cutting into my organs, ripping me apart from the inside out. Every breath and every move suddenly feel laborious.

I finish the bottle of wine in less than twenty minutes and email Jane that I won’t be at work tomorrow or the day after. I turn my phone off and hide under the duvet for a while, but all I can smell is Alex. I strip the bedding. After, I scrub the whole place, trying to get rid of Alex’s scent, but after two hours, it still lingers in my nostrils, and I wonder for the first time whether it’s me and not the flat.

I’ll never be rid of Alex because he’s woven into the very fabric of me, nestling in every cell of my being.

24

I’m lying on Vicky’s single bed. It’s covered in the most hideous, fuchsia-patterned bed cover and everything smells of potpourri and rose oil. Her mother has walked in three times already, at first castigating Vicky for the state of her room that seems spotless to me, then for Vicky’s messy hair which is to be expected at eight o’clock in the morning, and then forher unfinished English assignment that Vicky left lying on the coffee table. Despite her mum’s disapproval of Vicky, she’s been nothing but welcoming and sweet to me as always. Maybe I should start appreciating my mother more because she’s never talked to me the way Vicky’s mum talks to her, especially now that I know my dad is a womaniser.

When her mum finally leaves the room to get ready for work, I rub my eyes and grab a tissue from a box that has been conveniently placed next to me.

As soon as I entered Vicky’s room earlier, I told her about my dad. I shared my fears about Alex turning out to be like my dad. I even admitted Alex has been a little strange the last few weeks and cancelled a few of our plans.

Dressed in baby blue pyjamas, Vicky’s sitting on the only chair in the room, worrying at her lip. She’s been doing that for the last few minutes while listening to her mum moving around the house. She rakes through her dishevelled blonde hair for the third time. Her make-up-free face turns serious.

In the silence that settles between us, the front door opens and closes, followed by the sound of a car leaving the driveway. Vicky’s shoulders drop, and she leans back in her seat.

‘End it,’ she says with such resolution I think I must have not heard her right.

‘What do you mean?’ I sit up on the bed.

She looks around the room like she doesn’t want to face me. When she finally gazes at me, her eyes are watery, and her hands once again end up in her hair in a feeble attempt to smooth it. ‘I didn’t have the strength to tell you, but Alex has been chasing Sara. I don’t think anything has actually happened, but everybody knows he’s got it bad for her. He’s just gotten bored. That’s what guys do.’

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