Page 49 of Still Falling for You

The thought of my dad being stable – whatever that means – makes my tongue swell up until it feels alien in my mouth. Stable is such a stupid word. Does it mean he was at the brink of death, but he’s not any more or that he’s completely fine and there’s a full recovery ahead?

My mother’s muffled crying rattles me. ‘He was in a bad way, Holly. We were just bickering about some nonsense or other, something that he found in the newspaper earlier in the morning. I told him he should go paperless and be moreconscious of the environment. He said his usual old-man nonsense about being interested only in a proper piece of news that can’t be found in the digital trash that shares every celebrity break-up and dieting trend. Your father can sometimes be so dense and stubborn.’ She hiccups a little. ‘All of a sudden, he clutched his arm and then he went so deathly pale. Within a minute he collapsed.’ She breathes heavily on the other end.

‘Which hospital are you in? Do you need anything? Food, magazines, a change of clothes? I can swing by the house on my way to the hospital.’ I sound almost rational, but I think it’s the autopilot kicking in rather than me being composed.

‘Just come. Come fast,’ she whispers, her voice small like that of a child. ‘Just in case,’ she adds quickly like we have barely any time left, and then her words undo me.

‘OK,’ I force calmness into my voice and hang up before I break down on the phone and make things worse. I need to be strong, I tell myself, but as soon as I press end call, my vision starts spinning like I’ve been stuck on the Gravitron for one ride too long.

I stand on wobbly legs; my bottom has gone numb from sitting on the desk. When I leave the room, I quickly send a message to Catherine and Lydia in a group chat, but my hands shake so badly that there are a lot of typos.

Alex rushes to his feet as soon as he sees me, his eyes under furrowed eyebrows tense. Suddenly, all the guilt sharpens and hones into a single point that feels like the tip of a dagger being inserted between my ribs with excruciating slowness. Weight presses against my shoulders, lead spreading through my limbs and making them unwieldy. The last time I spoke tomy dad, I said some truthful, but horrible, things. The fear of losing my dad shakes me so much all that feels insignificant now.

Just as my legs slip under me, Alex grabs me by the waist. ‘Let’s sit down for a moment.’ His face is a few inches from mine, but all I can focus on is my heart pounding so loudly in my ears that it’s like I’m standing under a waterfall.

‘I’m fine.’ Despite my words, I slide down onto the nearest bench.

‘When was the last time you ate?’ Alex crouches in front of me, his hands protectively on my knees. When he realises that, he drops them to his lap.

I’m trying to rack my brain, but it’s too jumbled to be able to process his question.

Alex rises on his feet. ‘OK. Stay here. I’ll grab your stuff and something for you to eat. I’ll give you a lift.’ Before I can protest, he’s gone. I must zone out because he’s back in what feels like no time, my bag and coat in his hand. He passes me a protein bar but carries on holding my stuff.

‘Sorry, that’s all I had in my locker.’ He looks apologetic.

I shove half the bar in my mouth and chew mechanically. ‘You don’t have to drive me. I can drive myself,’ I manage to say between two bites. I feel a little better, my head clearer. Maybe my sugar levels were too low.

‘Like hell am I letting you drive like this. We can get your car later. I’ve already spoken to Jane.’

I nod again uselessly, following him with wooden steps. Who would have known that Alex bossing me around would feel steadying?

My mind is blank while my body is gliding through the corridors and down the main staircase. I feel like I’m on one of those airport moving walkways, my surroundings passing by in a flash. I keep waiting for the tears to come, but instead of tearing up, my eyes feel uncomfortably dry, like there are metalshavings embedded in the tissue of my sockets. I keep blinking to chase the sensation away, but it won’t go.

What sort of a person doesn’t cry when their dad is in hospital? I must say this out loud because Alex whispers in a soothing tone, ‘You’re in shock.’ The warmth of his hand around my shoulders steadies me.

Alex guides us through the reception where he signs us out. Mary, the blonde receptionist, is craning her nose over her desk as we pass, but Alex shields me from her view. Wordlessly, he leads us to the Mercedes I’ve been seeing late in the evenings in the car park. He opens the passenger door for me, and then I’m seated in the front. It takes me a few goes to buckle up, but by the time Alex is behind the wheel, I’m strapped in and pretending I’m more composed than I feel.

He manoeuvres smoothly out of the overflowing car park and onto the main road, his demeanour calm and focused. Alex has always been steady in a crisis. Why is it he’s always the one to save me?

I keep myself busy to stave off the dangerous thoughts of what awaits me. I scan around the interior of Alex’s car. It feels solid and reliable in the same way Alex always used to. It also smells of the expensive, clean smell that I now associate with this Alex. I almost wistfully think of the old days when he smelt of the cigarettes his mum smoked and Lynx.

I watch him, but he’s completely focused on the road ahead, unaware of my staring. For long moments we don’t say anything. Other people would have felt the need to fill the silence with empty words, but Alex never did. I used to find it equally comforting and unnerving.

Something in me breaks a little. ‘My dad cheated on my mother when I was younger. Last week I told him I knew. I said a lot of other things that I’m not proud of. I’m not even sure whether I spoke or shouted them.’

He considers my words. ‘When did you find out he cheatedon your mum?’ he asks without looking at me.

‘When I was seventeen,’ I rasp. He must connect the events because his hands tighten around the steering wheel.

‘That’s a long time to carry something like that.’ His voice acquires a gravelly quality.

‘I thought if I pretended nothing had happened, everything would be fine. But I realise that’s not how it works.’

He looks pensive and almost vulnerable for a moment. ‘Love is complicated. Just because you don’t approve of his life choices and because you’re angry at him doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving him. I’m sure he knows that. Your dad always seemed to me like a very intelligent person.’

I’m surprised he has anything nice to say about my dad after the way he treated Alex when we were teenagers. I think he’s not only speaking of my dad, but I have no energy to work out what he means.

The urban landscape slowly changes behind the windows as we hit one of the A roads surrounded by fields and farmhouses.

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