Page 26 of Still Falling for You

‘We both did some awful things ten years ago, and I’m not proud of myself and my actions back then. It’s better if we keep it untouched. We’re not teenagers any more.’

‘It’s not all your fault what happened back then.’ She tries to make me feel better.

‘I know that.’

‘It’s never too late to clear the air. You can’t carry on like this, being at each other’s throats – this is an important year in your career.’

I suppress an unhappy snort. ‘At this point we’d need a catalytic oxidizer to clear the air between us. You forget that to have a reasonable conversation you need two reasonable people who have a common desire to resolve their messy history. We’re beyond explanations; Alex doesn’t care about the past or me so there’s nothing to discuss. We’re just two strangers who happen to share an uncomfortable past and have to learn to navigate the present, that’s it.’

She reads my hurt expression but ploughs through, nevertheless. She must find it important to say the next words because she’s never been the insistent type.

‘I’ve never said this so please let me say it once, and then I won’t speak about it again.’ She tugs at her shirt, belying her confident words. ‘Someone who looked at you the way he did ten years ago doesn’t just forget and move on. He was smitten with you long before he wrote you that first message. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you whenever you were around. I noticed. Vicky did too. That kind of attachment can’t just vanish into thin air. I think he’s only pretending to beindifferent because nobody is completely immune to their first love. The sooner you two get past that, the sooner you can really move on.’

At the mention of Vicky, I can’t help but grimace. After what happened between me and Alex, I always assumed I was a passing fancy to him. The fact that Vicky knew he liked me long before I did is an unwelcome revelation, and I can’t quite fathom why it bothers me so much. It didn’t stop him liking other people at the same time though, I think bitterly.

I know she’s making a valid point, but because I want to make Alex the villain of my story after being decimated by his words in the toilet, I declare defensively, ‘I doubt he’s changed that much. Everyone’s saying that he’s sleeping with the principal and that’s how he got his job.’ I feel a little ashamed of myself for turning into one of the gossipmongers at my school, but I can’t help it.

‘Who’s everyone? John the guy who thinks you’re hot in a quirky way, like a kinky librarian?’ Her comment is infused with amusement.

I slide my hand off my knee and lift it in defeat. ‘OK. I must admit John is not the most reliable person. Last week, I caught him sticking used chewing gum under one of the tables in the staffroom.’

Little feet scatter down the stairs and effectively conclude our conversation. I feel almost relieved.

I laugh hollowly. ‘How have we ended up talking about me again? Aren’t you the one upset?’ We both laugh for real this time.

She stands and picks up her bag. ‘Well, talking about other people’s problems always makes me more objective of mine.’

Gabby bounces into the room with a strange-looking rabbit with a slightly overlarge head and jumps straight into my lap.

After that, Catherine rushes to the conference, leaving me and Gabby to our evening. But before she goes, we hug tightlyand don’t let go for a long time. I’ve never been much of a hugger, my family not being a touchy-feely kind, but Catherine is the best hugger there is.

Later, I prepare milk and biscuits for Gabby, and together, we watch an episode ofPaw Patrol. I tuck Gabby into bed not long after and mark books until ten thirty. When I get into my pyjamas, I mindlessly switch through programmes until I finally end up playingReturn of The Jedion the Disney Channel.

I get a link for a dating website from my mother that I ignore and a few messages from Vicky that I don’t. She asks me how I am, and for a few minutes, we chat on the phone about nothing. It’s always been so easy with Vicky because she makes me forget about things going on in my life. That is until she asks about Alex and whether there have been any new developments. For the first time, I decide to lie and text,No, we rarely see each other. It’s a big school.

My cheeks heating at my untruth, I realise that I want to keep what happened between me and Alex to myself for a little longer, even though I’m not sure why. The thought scares me because even though I was the one who broke up with Alex via text message without any real explanation and then ignored his pleas to tell him why ten years ago, he was the one who moved on a day later and found the first available female to make up with, effectively breaking my heart. By the time I found out I wasn’t even the only one who he tried it on with, the blood-pumping organ was ground to a pile of ash. Because the truth is I never mattered to him.

Despite all my earlier bravado in front of Catherine and dismissing words, I have not forgotten, nor have I let go of the past.

12

The following week I have my first formal observation with Alex followed by a customary weekly meeting. As usual, he highlights all the areas I need to work on and then smoothly moves on to praise my behaviour management and curriculum knowledge. He says all this in such a monotone I miss the fact he’s giving me a compliment until it’s well and truly over.

Then, he coolly informs me that I’ll be planning a school trip. He gives me a sheet with details of potential places and a stack of forms to fill. A trip proposition with a budgeting section, a draft letter to parents and carers and a permission slip. It’s all Greek to me, and I’m frazzled by the foreign paperwork and the weight of responsibility that settles on my shoulders straight away. He finishes by saying the trip needs to take place at the end of October, which is over a month away. When he leaves, my mind is playing a game of Tetris, attempting to slot all the new pieces of information into an orderly pile but failing. Thanks for the heads-up.

Over the next few weeks, I get to the manic state of working before work, working through my lunches and working past sundown. Not only am I planning and marking books well into late evenings, but at the weekends, I also do my ECT coursework while trying to organise this blasted trip.

As the autumnal chill starts creeping into the classrooms, a few changes happen around the school. A week after my altercation with Alex in the toilet, school lunch leftovers began appearing in the staffroom. The selection usually includes a tray of stale flapjacks, a bowl of dried chips or rubbery macaroni cheese, but I always happily tuck in. When I question the sudden influx of canteen food in the staffroom, Becky informs me that Jane said it was a waste to be chucking leftovers away. I can’t complain about this, but not all changes are for the better.

Noticeably, a few members of staff start avoiding my eyes, and a few even give me a direct cut. For a few days, I puzzle over this occurrence until I walk past Dan and Samantha, keystage one teaching assistants, chatting by the staff toilets and overhear Samantha telling Dan how Danielle told her that I got my job because I was sleeping with Alex at the time. The speculations evolve further over the next day, and it reaches my ears that apparently after I got my job, I refused to continue sleeping with Alex and that’s why he’s been so hostile to me.

The gossip makes me so livid I spend my lunch in the disabled toilet on the phone with Lydia who is ready to gut them all with the teaspoon she’s currently scooping out her low-fat yogurt with. I prevent her from storming into our school and committing multiple homicides. We dissect the topic thoroughly over Indian-Nepalese food at Lydia’s the next day. Catherine, always the voice of reason, eventually manages to dissuade Lydia from pursuing her violent urges.

On the other hand, Becky and I have become friends of sorts. She’s still on the shy side and can be very quiet at times, but she’s always nice and never imposes on me. She checks on me during some lunches, and I sometimes buy her coffee from the local Costa in exchange. We often get into small talk about cats, food or The 1975, a band we both like. Everything about our camaraderie is uncomplicated and comforting.

Despite all the gossip harrying my person, Becky openly condemns it, which is a fresh breath of air compared to the covert Cruella de Ville vibes from Danielle who always beams my way whenever we’re in the same room. John doesn’t help the situation by openly flirting with me whenever Alex is around. I’ve long had the feeling he’s got a hidden agenda of pissing Alex off.

My bank account balance dips dangerously to two-digitnumbers mid-month thanks to too many friendship-building coffees, so I once again text Aaron about not receiving his repayment plan, but infuriatingly he stays AWOL.

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