Page 51 of Still Falling for You

My mother’s make-up-free eyes crinkle at the edges as she frowns. She looks suddenly so much older.

‘No, it’s not. It’s because he’s eaten a sausage roll every day for lunch for the last ten years and because the only exercise he does is walk to his local newsagents.’ Her tone doesn’t allow for any arguments.

‘The things I said last week,’ I start, and I grip the scratchy linen covering my dad’s bed for support. I haven’t found the courage to touch him yet, scared he might not feel the same and even more scared he might. This is the hardest conversation I’ve ever had with my mother, but I force myself to carry on. ‘I’ve never wanted you to find out the way you did. I’m sorry.’

‘I didn’t,’ my mother says steadily. She elaborates. ‘I mean I didn’t find out like that.’

I sit up on the uncomfortable chair because I don’t follow.

She takes a long, exhausted breath before she explains, ‘Your father confided in me after he finished the affair. I’ve known for years. I’m sorry that I let you think you had to keep the secret from me for so long so you wouldn’t hurt my feelings. I didn’t know you knew.’ She averts her gaze, obviously embarrassed to discuss her love life with me.

‘But.’ I pause and start again. ‘I don’t understand. You forgave him?’ My voice is full of disbelief. I let my hands slide off the bed cover and into my lap, fingers lacing tightly.

‘Don’t get me wrong. I was so angry at him. Your father has made many mistakes in his life, and that particular mistake almost broke us. We weren’t happy at that point in our lives, but he’s been a great husband and dad most of our marriage. It was the hardest decision I have ever made.’

An uncomfortable feeling starts building in my stomach, and my thoughts are confirmed when she leans in and strokesmy hair. ‘You were always so dependent on your father when you were little, and even as a young woman you adored him. We never had that, and I didn’t want to break that special connection for something that had nothing to do with you. I never had what you did with my father. A big part of me still loved him even after he did what he did. He’s got a lot to atone for, so he’s not allowed to leave me quite yet. I don’t allow it. Why do you think he stands visitors at our weekly roast dinners? He calls it the Suitors’ Sunday.’ She cackles and the sound surprises me so much I jolt in my seat. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother amused.

Despite her usually perfect hair dishevelled and her cheeks sallow, she’s never looked so perfect to me. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever known. I know we don’t often see eye to eye and will probably argue at least one more time by the end of today, but love rushes through my veins, spreading warmth into every nook and cranny of my chilled body.

‘I know that life with me has never been easy. I’m sorry for being so forceful about Aaron. I just wanted you to be happy. I cannot believe that he’s turned out to be such a turd,’ my mother says crossly. I gurgle-laugh, and my nose starts running; my mother never swears.

She carries on with her confession. ‘I was certain I pushed you away. Suddenly, you decided to move out and go to a university across the country. You rarely visit. Of course, it all makes perfect sense now.’ Sadness sweeps across her features in a tidal wave.

‘I couldn’t stand the sight of Dad pretending everything was OK. I had to get out of the house. I’m sorry. It was never your fault.’ I admit reluctantly, ‘Even though I’ve always thought that you were embarrassed by me. You always wanted tochange things about me.’ I never considered how my decisions would affect my mother.

‘Don’t be daft.’ She stands up and moves her chair next to mine with a loud scrape. She squeezes my hands in my lap, her eyes turning shiny. ‘I love you greatly, and I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved single-handedly in life. Apart from that god-awful studio flat of yours, and I wish you sometimes put more care into what you wear. You look like a Victorian schoolteacher today.’ She peers down at my stripy blue-and-white blouse with a bow at the neck and vintage skirt disapprovingly. I’m proud of her description because that’s what I was aiming for.

‘Mother,’ I interject, but amusement colours my voice.

Her eyes turn serious again. ‘I’ve never wanted you to leave. Why do you think I’ve kept your room the same?’ There’s a beat of silence between us before she carries on. ‘I’ve always hoped that if I kept your room the same, you’d stay more often. I’ve even moved my Peloton to your room so I could be surrounded by your things when I’m there. I miss you every day.’

Everything I thought I knew about my mother is wrong. I wrap my arm around her, and she drops her head to my shoulder. For a moment, we’re silent.

She whispers into my hair, ‘Now. When are you going to tell me who that young man that accompanied you here was?’ My eyes roll without volition, and I let go of her.

‘Nobody,’ I say automatically.

She lifts her head. ‘Nobody wouldn’t give you such an embrace. I wasn’t born yesterday.’

‘Alex.’ I breathe his name out like a secret.

‘I thought I recognised him. I’ve always thought he was a good boy, taking care of his mum the way he did,’ she surprises me by saying. Who is this person who’s replaced my mother? I’m about to initiate an interrogation, but she’s faster. ‘Don’t you think I didn’t use to keep tabs on people my daughter saw?’ She explains, ‘Most mothers at your high schools were suchgossipers. That boy wasn’t dealt much luck, but I’m glad he’s turned out right.’

‘Mother,’ I start.

Shetsks. ‘I know. I’m not meddling. You’ve got your life to live.’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘Isn’t it always?’ Who knew my mother would be full of wise proverbs? All hell indeed must have broken loose.

Before I have a chance to react, a female nurse with blonde hair and grown-out brown roots comes over and checks on my dad. She tells us she doesn’t expect any changes by the end of today and encourages us to go home, get some rest and come back tomorrow. She also informs my mother, who I can see is getting ready for a tirade, that if anything happens, they’ll call.

‘Of course, nothing is going to happen until something does. I didn’t expect my husband to have a heart attack in the middle of a rerun of an oldCountdownepisode. If I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t be here, but six feet under. I’m not going anywhere,’ my mother says as soon as the poor woman stops talking.

Over her shoulder, I give the nurse an apologetic look and mouthsorry. I guess my mother is still my mother. Stubborn as a mule.

When I’m readying to stay with her, she shakes her head vigorously. ‘Don’t be silly. There’s no point in you staying here.’ She huffs. ‘To only be uncomfortable on these frankly hideous chairs. I think this place needs some sprucing up.’

---