Page 48 of Still Falling for You

‘Stop.’ Understanding dawns on him and his cheeks turn pale. ‘That’s not what…’ He trails off.

‘That’s not what you meant?’ He looks unsure. ‘What did you mean then? And what did you mean just now when you professed I’m nothing to you? Because you can’t have it both ways, Alex. Either you want me or not. And if you hate yourself for wanting me, which seems like the case, that’s your answer.’ By the end of my tirade, air whooshes out of me like I’ve just climbed Kilimanjaro. My cheeks twitch in exhaustion. I can’t keep doing this hot and cold thing.

He stays silent, his eyes searching my face like the answer is written there. His obvious mistrust of my character vexes meeven more.

My bus rounds the bend, and my shoulders drop in relief. Finally. The last two minutes have felt like an hour.

‘What do you want?’ I turn on him, raising my voice in exasperation as the bus approaches the stop. I wave at the driver to signal for him to stop.

Knowing he’s running out of time, Alex throws a desperate look towards the bus. ‘I don’t know what I want,’ he growls and combs through his hair jerkily.

I heft the rug over my shoulder. ‘Let me make it easy for you.’ My words turn determined. ‘Leave me be, OK? I don’t want to have anything to do with you.’

21

The next day I feel like I’ve contracted the flu or a bulldozer has run over me a couple of times. My entire body aches, my stomach is in tight knots, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow has settled over my bones like a layer of tar, making every move cumbersome. I recognise the symptoms and guess at the cause. But this time, I’m not willing to let my heart be shattered into pieces by someone who doesn’t seem to understand me or want me.

I ward myself mentally. I’m not going to let this happen again; I need to take control. I go to Jane’s office and ask to be assigned to a different mentor. She doesn’t ask me any questions, only nods in acknowledgement. After, I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders, and I can finally breathe.

I know I can’t avoid him in school completely, but outside of school, I can forget that Alex has ever existed.

My phone in my bag keeps buzzing, but I studiously ignore it because I don’t want to risk getting another pathetic excuse from my dad which I’ve been getting since yesterday. I can’t pretend like nothing is amiss any more, but I also don’t know how to move forward yet. I never expected all the men in my life would turn into adulterers, but here we are.

Halfway through the science lesson, somebody knocks on the door and abruptly truncates my thoughts. The children are creating electrical circuits and are so engrossed in the task that they’re oblivious to the intrusion at first. Alex’s sombre expression peeks through the glass, and something in me flinches. My body gets stuck in a freeze response. He walks in stiffly, and his presence fills the room the way only his presence does. The children halt, and their heads lift like a mob of meerkats, immediately picking up on the change of atmosphere. Their curious looks flicker between me and Alex like they’re watching a tennis match.

My feet start working again, and I take a hesitant step towards him. ‘Yes, Mr Bennet?’ I try to speak as calmly as I can, but I know something is fundamentally wrong, even though I’m not sure what exactly. All my resentment is forgotten at seeing his strange expression.

‘Apologies, Miss Collins. Do you have a minute?’ he says overly politely, his posture more rigid than an ironing board.

I nod and motion for the children to carry on. Only half of them follow my instruction. I take a sweeping look across the classroom, and soon, all heads are down. At least they have the decency to pretend to carry on with their learning.

When I trail behind Alex, my muscles tense at the sight of Danielle who is hovering behind him in the corridor. She’s supposed to be on her non-contact time, so I can’t fathom what she’s doing here.

‘While we’re speaking, Miss Davies will step in,’ Alex informs me, and Danielle passes me with a not-quite-convincingneutral expression. It’s obvious she’s more puzzled than I am. I get this strange gut feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. Surely this is not about me asking for a different mentor. Whatever this is, it’s more serious.

My dread is confirmed when he continues, ‘Let’s step into the outreach office.’ He heads towards the only place that doesn’t have a glass panel in the door, and henceforth, the only private room in the whole school.

The office is empty and meticulously tidy. With dread, I watch grey clouds gather behind the only window in the room before I make myself look at Alex.

He offers me a seat on a blue sofa, but I shake my head; I’d rather be standing if I’m being fired, but he shocks me with a completely different kind of message.

‘The reception had a phone call from your mother. She’s been trying to reach you the whole morning.’ His tone is forcibly calm, and it loosens something inside me, something that is now rattling like a loose cog in a broken watch. ‘Your father is in hospital. He’s had a heart attack.’

My ears fill with white noise. I know his words are simple, but they don’t make sense strung together. My mouth opens, but no words come out. Somebody makes this strange, whimpering sound, and because there’s nobody else in the room, it must have been me. He squeezes my arm, and I nod helplessly because I’m certain that if I try to speak, I’ll vomit.

His voice softens. ‘Do you want me to wait outside while you call her?’ If anybody else suggested this, I’d feel offended, but from Alex, it sounds kind and considerate. I want him to stay here and hold my hand and tell me that everything will be fine, but I don’t let myself imagine this fantasy because it’s damaging. Instead, I just nod again. I feel like one of those car nodding figurines because it’s all I’m capable of. He looks almost relieved, as if he was worried I might say no.

The door closes behind him with a soft click andimmediately a myriad of emotions floods my system and sends it into overdrive. Fear, dread, anxiety and helplessness followed by guilt and shame, but also, unexpected gratefulness that it was Alex who delivered the news and knew exactly what I needed when I didn’t know myself.

With shaking hands, I dial my mother’s number, and she picks up after the first beep. But it’s worse than I thought because all I hear on the other end of the line are her sobs as she’s trying to speak but is unable to utter a single word. My always perfect, stiff-upper-lip mother is barren of words.

‘Mum?’ I pull myself together, trying to sound like I’m in control, but I’m not fooling anybody here. I can’t remember the last time I called her mum, but she doesn’t notice. Things must be really bad.

‘How is Dad?’ My breathing slows right down as if somebody has hit a pause button. I’m suspended in the air like when you jump and there is a moment of nauseating weightlessness before gravity catches up with your body.

‘He…’ she manages to say between sobs. My fingers tighten around the receiver in a deathly grip while I’m waiting for her to finish the most important sentence of our lives. ‘…he was in a critical state the whole morning but is now stable.’

Air whooshes out of me so forcefully I sound like an extractor fan. My body slumps, and I end up half sitting on the desk.

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