Page 91 of Set on You

I miss watching outrageously long movies together. Him asking a million questions, confused because he fell asleep for ten minutes and missed a crucial scene.

Mel discreetly brushes some of the cracker crumbs off my couch. “Have you talked since?”

“No.” Scott hasn’t bombarded me with calls and texts, and I don’t know whether I should feel relieved or worse about it. Though he did leave one voicemail, which said“Crys, I... I’m so sorry about responding to those comments. When you’re ready, please call me.”

“I still don’t get why you’re taking space from him. Especially after he told you he loved you,” Mel says.

“But he told me at the worst possible time. And when he first said it, I didn’t even believe it. That’s how far gone I am right now.”

“Seriously? Of course he loves you. I really don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself,” Tara adds, joining us after tidying the kitchen. Instead of curling up on the end of the couch, she nestles herself on top of me, feet dangling on Mel’s lap like a gigantic baby.

As much as I want to call him at any given moment to tell him I love him, that I’ll go back to my old, confident self, I can’t.

“Not until I’m back on track,” I say. “I can’t risk breaking his heart again until I shake this. And I’m still a little mad at him.”

Tara shoots me a furious stare. “It isn’t Scotty’s fault your confidence took a dip. It’s the trolls’. You can’t blame him for that. He was just trying to protect you. Sure, he went about it all wrong. But he also had the best of intentions. And if I’m being honest, I kind of agree with him. I’m worried about you too.”

I glare at her. “Seriously?”

“Look, you’ve become obsessed with this body-positivity thing to your detriment. You’ve let a bunch of idiotic, jealous internet haters affect you so badly that you’ve lost your relationship over it.”

“He still went behind my back,” I remind them stubbornly.

Mel rolls her eyes. “There were some nasty comments about him too, you know. Why is he not allowed to stand up for himself, if not you? It’s not all about you.”

She has a point. There were awful comments about him too, not just me. Have I really been that selfish?

I bury my face in my hands, ashamed of my misplaced blame. “Well, it doesn’t matter. The only way to avoid this is to delete my entire account. And giving my platform up isn’t a question.”

“Whatever you decide, you can’t continue on like this. It’s not sustainable,” Mel warns.

“It has to be.”

Mel passes me more tissues as I begin to hiccup. “You don’t need to be so strong and confident at all times, Crystal. Even if you’re a trainer. The curvy community doesn’t need you to defend them. We’re perfectly fine. What we need is you to be the best you can be.”

I sigh. “And that’s the worst part. After all is said and done, I don’t feel my best. And it feels like I’m living a lie. How can you be so positive all the time, Mel? It’s like you don’t let anything bother you, ever.”

She levels with me, stone-faced. “Therapy. Ever since I got Insta-famous, or whatever you want to call it, I see my therapist once every two weeks and she’s a miracle worker.”

I tilt my head, considering. “Maybe I could look into it.”

“And I am positive, most of the time,” Mel continues. “Just like you are. I may not give two shits about the comments anymore, but I still have days where I don’t love everything about myself. It’s normal.”

Tara nods, resting her head on my shoulder. “You’re putting unfair pressure on yourself, Crystal. Everyone doubts themselves sometimes. It’s part of being human. Especially after what you’ve been through.”

I struggle to take in their words. “I guess so.”

After Mel leaves, I find myself scrolling through myFeedbackemail folder. It’s where I save all the final messages from my clients after they’ve completed their programs. I pull up one from Jennifer—one of my favorites.

Hi Crystal,

I can’t believe how fast these few months have gone by. I can’t tell you how much your support has meant to me. I never had the confidence to go to the gym and liftweights. That all changed when we had our first meeting and you told me that no one else is actually paying attention. You gave me that kick-ass playlist and for the first time, I felt empowered.

I’ve progressed so much both in the gym and mentally. You’ve convinced me that eating one bad meal isn’t going to erase my progress. I no longer count calories or obsess over weighing my portions. I’m happy now, for the first time in years. Some days are better than others... but as you said, as long as the good days outweigh the bad days, that’s what counts.

I can’t recommend you enough. You’re more than just a fitness trainer. I’ll always consider you one of my best friends.

Love you!

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