Page 9 of Set on You

Even though he’d just gotten out of a relationship, he seemed entirely into me. He laughed at everything I said and mimicked my mannerisms. He flirted shamelessly, touching my arm and squeezing my waist.

“You’re so different than my ex,” he’d said, chugging back the remainder of his red Solo cup. I found out later his ex, Cammie, was a literal model. A taller version of Daenerys fromGame of Throneswith her silver-blond hair and slender figure. The opposite of me. Half Asian and curvy.

I blushed. “I don’t know how to take that.”

He smiled, tugging a strand of my hair, leaning closer to me. “It’s a good thing. Trust me.”

And I did. I ate up all his words, reassuring me that I was special. That we had some sort of unparalleled connection. We dated casually for almost a year despite my whole family hating him after he showed up wasted at Dad’s birthday party and decided it was the appropriate occasion to debate controversial world issues. After that, I no longer brought him around my family or friends forfear he would offend someone. He never bothered to introduce me to his people either. It was like we existed in our own little bubble, just the two of us holed up in my apartment for days on end. Then, without warning, he dumped me to go back to Cammie.

“I’m over him now,” I reassure Mel and Tara, even though the words come out stiff and robotic. Truthfully, I still miss him sometimes. And the hurt triples every time he pops back into my life like a bad zit, asking for relationship advice.

Mel shifts onto her knees to face me. “Well, if you’re over Neil, maybe you should hook up with someone who looks like Squat Rack Thief.”

“Agreed.” Tara fans herself for unknown reasons, since she has no clue what he looks like.

I stifle a laugh. “I’m not trying to be the thirst police here, but it’s not going to happen. No more random hookups for me.”

Immediately after Neil broke up with me, hookups filled the void. They were fun and empowering. I may have gotten what I wanted physically. But in the light of morning, the reality of waking up beside a drooling rando who doesn’t even own a bed frame and a fitted sheet is all too bleak, followed by that gnawing feeling. That fleeting tease of affection, being connected with someone, anyone, for a brief time. Remembering how good it feels. How wonderful it is to be touched, embraced. And then just gray. Bleak. Nothingness. Overwhelming loneliness.

And so, for the past two weeks since Tinder Joe, I’ve sworn off random hookups in favor of waiting for something real.

Despite Mel and Tara’s hopes, this war between me and my gym nemesis has to cease. There will be no fireworks and randomhookups, especially not with him. In fact, there will be nothing but two enemies going their separate ways.

10:00 A.M.—INSTAGRAM POST: “SIZE POSITIVE CAMPAIGN” BYCURVYFITNESSCRYSTAL:

Take out your scales and tape measures and throw them in the trash! You won’t be needing them.

You might be thinking: Crystal, sit down. Pour a glass of wine. Why are you asking me to throw out my $200 fancy-schmancy scale?

Okay, I got a little dramatic. What I mean to say is, stop relying on your scales and tape measures to make you feel good about yourself. Today is the official launch of my spring/summer campaign, SIZE POSITIVE. It’s my challenge to track your fitness progress based on HOW YOU FEEL, without the constraint of numbers that studies show actually cause anxiety and discourage people.

As most of you know, I struggled with my weight for years. In the gym changing room in middle school, I started to recognize that all the other girls were tiny compared to me. I loved gym class, but I grew self-conscious of changing in front of everyone else, so I’d go into the bathroom stalls. To hide. One day, my gym teacher told me I couldn’t change in the stall anymore, and I went home and cried.

If I could talk to my 12-year-old self, I’d tell her she’s worth so much more than just the number on the scale. I’d tell her to practice eating until she’s full, not stuffed. To eat what makes her feel good, not just because she’s sad or bored. To go out for lunch with friends and just have fun instead of worrying about how many calories one Subway sandwich is.

A massive part of fitness is mental health. If you’re unhappy, stressed, and constantly being hard on yourself, your body will reject progress. And you certainly won’t be as inspired to keep pushing forward when it’s tough.

That’s why I’m challenging you to join the Size Positive campaign by ignoring the haters and the numbers, and living your best life. Your size means nothing if you aren’t happy. Who’s with me?

Comment bytrainerrachel_1990: I love this!! So joining in. Screw the scales.

Comment byBradRcerrr: So u think its ok for ppl to be obese as long as they’re “happy”? LOL

Comment by_jillianmcleod_: Can relate. I hated getting changed in the locker room too.

Comment byPilatesgirl1016: Thanks for sharing your story and this amazing campaign! So inspirational. I agree, I feel somuch better when I’m not weighing myself. Haven’t done it in years. I just focus on my progress at the gym.

Comment byKelsey_Bilson: How do I track my progress without dieting or weighing myself? Isn’t it calories in, calories out?

Reply byCurvyFitnessCrystal:@Kelsey_BilsonI’m not saying to stop tracking these things outright if it’s working for you. But if it’s starting to upset you or stress you out, stop for a few weeks and just listen and respect your body.

chapter four

EVERY YEAR ONEasterSunday, the following things happen like clockwork:

Mom’s side of the family, the McCarthys, congregates at Grandma Flo’s bungalow. We watchWilly Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the original version, squished on the stiff floral couch while indulging in a week’s worth of Mini Eggs.

Tara entertains the family with her uncanny (and eerily accurate) impression of Veruca Salt singing, “I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It’s my bar of chocolate. Give it to menow!” while I plug my ears.

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